tytr7855d-The New York Times published
an article over the weekend
about an invasive species
of venomous hornet
that has been discovered in the United States
called the Asian giant hornet,
which can grow up to two inches in length
and are commonly referred to as a "murder hornet."
Which brings us to a segment called "Not Now."
[ Suspenseful theme plays ]
♪♪
Not now, murder hornets.
We're already terrified to go outside.
The last thing we need to worry about,
after a stressful afternoon
of dodging other people's breath at the grocery store
is getting murdered in our own driveway
by some nightmare insect,
while clutching the single roll of toilet paper
we bought for $20.
Just not now.
The only thing you're going to accomplish
is making a few members of Congress rich
when they announce that the insect panic is overblown
and then secretly shift their entire investment portfolio
into whatever company makes
Raid Super Spray Murder Hornet Strength.
Not now!
If we wanted giant winged beasts to terrify us from the sky,
we'd wait for the Blue Angels
to scream over New York again without warning.
Oh!
God, we do appreciate the tribute, it's just --
it's a lot.
Not now.
We're already battling a pandemic
and you're coming in as hot as some sort of double plague.
Murder and hornets?
I mean, give us a break.
Even in the Bible, it was just locusts,
not acid locusts.
Not now.
The only time I ever wanna see something
called a murder hornet
is if it's a Syfy original movie
starring Paris Hilton and Ian Ziering.
In that case, bring it on, because
I am completely out of things to watch.
I would watch that movie and then I would watch
the documentary about the making of that movie.
Also, not now, because we don't have the leadership in place
to defend ourselves against you.
Trump will just claim you're a hoax
cooked up by the Democrats
and deny that you even exist until you've carried
half the population of New York back to your hives.
Look, you deserve so much more than I can give you right now.
It's not you. It's me. I'm panicked out.
There's a deadly virus sweeping the nation,
the president isn't doing anything about it,
paramilitary LARPers are threatening our governors,
and we can't get a [bleep] jogger to put on a goddamn mask.
So, please, murder hornets,
unless your stingers are full of coronavirus vaccine,
not now.
This has been "Not Now."
♪♪