OF COURSE, THE FAKE NEWS AWARDS MIGHT BE THE LAST THING THE
GOVERNMENT EVER DOES BECAUSE WE COULD BE 24 HOURS AWAY FROM THE
GOVERNMENT SHUTTING DOWN.
NOW, IT'S HARD TO KNOW WHO'S TO BLAME.
IS IT THE REPUBLICAN MAJORITY WHO HATES GOVERNMENT, OR THE
DEMOCRATIC MINORITY WHO DON'T?
SIX OF ONE, WE REFUSE TO FUND THE HALF A DOZEN OTHER.
THERE'S NO WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS ONE LAST DITCH EFFORT
TO FIND A BIPARTISAN SOLUTION.
REPUBLICANS OFFERED DEMOCRATS SIX YEARS OF FUNDING FOR THE
CHILDREN'S HEALTH INSURANCE PROGRAM, OR CHIP.
BUT AS PART OF THE DEAL, THEY INCLUDED GETTING RID OF A BUNCH
OF TAXES THAT PAY FOR OBAMACARE.
NANCY PELOSI, WASN'T IMPRESSED: >> AS I SAID TO YOU, THIS IS
LIKE GIVING YOU A BOWL OF DOGGY DOO, PUT A CHERRY ON TOP, AND
CALL IT A CHOCOLATE SUNDAE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> MMM, MMM!
>> STEPHEN: OR AS DONALD TRUMP CALLED IT --
>> THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE YOU'VE EVER
SEEN.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
( APPLAUSE ) THE DEAL STILL MIGHT HAVE GONE
THROUGH, BUT DONALD TRUMP SNATCHED DEFEAT FROM THE JAWS
OF HELPING CHILDREN, TWEETING, "CHIP SHOULD BE PART OF A LONG
TERM SOLUTION, NOT A 30 DAY, OR SHORT TERM, EXTENSION!"
LEADING LINDSAY GRAHAM TO SAY, WE DON'T HAVE A RELIABLE PARTNER
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
OR THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MELANIA.
EITHER WAY, THEY'RE BOTH PRETTY UPSET.
AND ONE G.O.P. SOURCE DESCRIBED THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE AS, "THE
MOST FECKLESS BUNCH OF BOOBS I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED."
THAT'S ACTUALLY WHAT THE PHYSICIAN SAID ABOUT TRUMP'S
CHEST X-RAY.
( LAUGHTER ) PERFECTLY HEALTHY, THOUGH.
PERFECTLY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
( RIM SHOT ) WHAT'S A MAN HAVE TO DO FOR A
RIM SHOT.
I CAN SAY RIM DON'T CBS, RIGHT?
( LAUGHTER ) AND REMEMBER, IT'S NOT JUST CHIP
HE TORPEDOED.
HE ALREADY THREW ALL HOPE OF COMPROMISE ON DACA INTO THE
( BLEEP )-HOLE.
SO YESTERDAY, WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF AND SHOP TEACHER
TELLING YOU TO QUIT HORSING AROUND WITH THAT BUZZ SAW, JOHN
KELLY, MET WITH THE CONGRESSIONAL HISPANIC CAUCUS
TO TRY TO SMOOTH THINGS OVER ON IMMIGRATION.
THOUGH HE MAY NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST CHOICE TO TALK TO THE
HISPANICS CAUCUS, CONSIDERING THAT
KELLY ONCE CONSIDERED SEPARATING IMMIGRANT PARENTS FROM THEIR
ACCOMPANYING CHILDREN, A MOVE THAT LED THE "NEW YORK TIMES" TO
CALL HIM "THE DEACON OF DEPORTATION."
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) IN THIS CORNER, THE DEACON OF
DEPORTATION, THE SULTAN OF SWAT TEAMS, JOHN THE ICE TEAM COMETH,
KELLY!
( APPLAUSE ) AT THE MEETING, GENERAL KELLY
SAID THAT WHEN TRUMP CAMPAIGNED ON BUILDING THE WALL, HIS
PROMISES WERE "NOT FULLY INFORMED."
WHICH IS AN OPTIMISTIC WAY OF SAYING "FULLY OF CRAP."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, I'VE GOT TO SAY, IS THE
SORT OF THING THE PRESIDENT USUALLY FINDS
INSULTING, AND LASHES OUT.
BUT, THIS TIME, HE CHOSE TO BE THE BIGGER MAN, STAYED FOCUSED
ON BRINGING ALL SIDES TOGETHER, AND REMAINED SILENT.
I'M JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
HE TWEETED, "THE WALL IS THE WALL."
HE KNOWS THAT BECAUSE IT WAS ON HIS COGNITIVE TEST.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S THAT?
YES.
"THE WALL IS THE WALL.
THAT'S A RHINOCEROS.
IT'S LIKE A WALL WITH A POKEY NOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) CAN I HAVE MY COOKIE NOW?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE TWEETED ON, "IT HAS NEVER
CHANGED OR EVOLVED FROM THE FIRST DAY I CONCEIVED OF IT."
HE'S RIGHT.
THAT WALL PROMISE IS JUST AS REAL NOW AS THE DAY HE YANKED IT
OUT OF HIS KEISTER.
( LAUGHTER ) AND, HE CONTINUED TO CONTINUE,
"PARTS WILL BE, OF NECESSITY, SEE-THROUGH, AND IT WAS NEVER
INTENDED TO BE BUILT IN AREAS WHERE THERE IS NATURAL
PROTECTION SUCH AS MOUNTAINS, WASTELANDS OR TOUGH RIVERS."
I BELIEVE "TOUGH RIVERS" WAS A FREQUENT COSTAR OF "STORMY
DANIELS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
PEABODY, PLEASE!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THERE WAS MORE.
"THE WALL WILL BE PAID FOR, DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY, OR
THROUGH LONGER-TERM REIMBURSEMENT, BY MEXICO, WHICH
HAS A RIDICULOUS $71 BILLION TRADE SURPLUS WITH THE U.S.
THE $20 BILLION WALL IS PEANUTS COMPARED TO WHAT MEXICO MAKES
FROM THE U.S.
NAFTA IS A BAD JOKE!" NO, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS A BAD
JOKE: HOW MANY DONALD TRUMPS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A
LIGHTBULB?
WE'LL NEVER KNOW BECAUSE, AFTER HE SCREWS SOMETHING, HE GIVES IT
A$130,000 NOT TO TELL ANYBODY.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU!
IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME!
IT'S NICE.
THERE YOU GO.
AND, FINALLY, HE LAID DOWN THE LAW.
"IF THERE IS NO WALL, THERE IS NO DEAL!"
IT'S ALL THERE IN HIS BEST-SELLING BOOK, "THE ART OF
THE NO WALL."
( LAUGHTER ) THE INABILITY TO REACH A DEAL IN
D.C. IS INFURIATING, ESPECIALLY TO LOUISIANA SENATOR AND MALE
LIPSTICK MODEL, JOHN KENNEDY.
HE'S CONCERNED THAT CONGRESS' FAILURE TO COME TOGETHER IS
HAVING UNFORESEEN CONSEQUENCES.
>> THIS STUFF'S THE REASON THE ALIENS WON'T TALK TO US.
YOU KNOW, THEY LOOK AT US AND THEY GO, "GOD, THIS IS THE
UNITED STATES CONGRESS."
>> Stephen: OKAY.
AND EVEN IF THEY DID TALK TO US, HOW WOULD THAT GO?
"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER."
"ACTUALLY, GUYS, HOW ABOUT WE BRING OUR LEADER TO YOU, AND
THEN YOU TAKE HIM WHEREVER YOU WANT?
THAT'D BE GOOD FOR US.
PROBE AWAY."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST GET IN THERE!
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
SHARON STONE IS HERE, BUT WHEN WE RETURN I PUT ON A BIG FURRY
HAT.
STICK AROUND!