Participant 1: Thank you. P2: Thank you.
P3: Thank you!
Julian: Well, well, well, if it isn't the
classiest audience I have ever laid eyes on. Yeah that's right. I'm talking to you.
Romantic relationships have a huge propensity to make you feel valued. Whether it actually does
depends mostly on how confident you are that your partner loves and values you. Well extensive
research has actually shown us that even though people with low self-esteem have more doubt,
they're less likely to accept compliments and praise. It's not that we don't give enough
compliments, it's that we often refuse to accept them. Allow me to demonstrate.
Julian: I love the way you did your hair today. Compliment Refuser: Really? It's a mess, I
haven't washed it. Julian: I love that necklace!
Compliment Refuser: Oh, I got it on sale. Julian: You look absolutely stunning.
Compliment Refuser: Yeah, okay whatever. Julian: See this? This is my life.
Thankfully there is a solution! Studies show that you can actually boost your self-esteem
and conquer insecurities if you go beyond accepting a compliment by focusing on the
meaning behind it. To show this, we did an experiment. First, we brought in couples to
act as our subjects and then gave them a test to measure their self-esteem. Without telling
them how they did, we asked whoever scored lower to briefly step out.
Julian: We have totted up the scores and I'm afraid I am going to have to ask Kai to step
outside. P3: Aw man.
Julian: Yeah sorry. Julian: I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
P2: Okay great! P1: Oh, okay.
Julian: We asked the person who stayed to really consider who their partner was and
write down five of the most authentic compliments they could give that person. When they were
done, we asked them to read what they wrote their partners.
Julian: By the way, no matter what he says you can only respond with "Thank you."
Julian: No matter what she says, you are only allowed to respond with "Thank you."
P4: Oh, okay. P5: Shakira Keller is a fantastic writer.
P3: Thank you! P6: You are smart.
P4: Thank you. P7: Tamara is beyond beautiful.
P2: Thank you. P8: Because of who you are, you have inspired
me to be a better and stronger person on this planet.
P1: Thank you. P3: Thank you.
P4: Thank you. Julian: According to the journal of personality
and social psychology, when people go beyond merely hearing compliments and are asked to
actually describe the meaning and significance of them, they actually started to feel better
about their relationships and themselves. Julian: Okay, Karina now Oscar is going to
repeat all of those one by one and for each one I want you to explain how what he said
makes you feel and how it is significant to your relationship, okay?
P5: Shakira Keller is a fantastic writer. P3: I love that! One of the things that I
do really pride myself on is my writing and as much as I don't let you read what I write,
I really do appreciate the fact that you think that. It makes me really happy.
P8: You are the most beautiful person I've ever met.
P1: I think that's very sweet. I don't think that's true, but I feel very humbled that
someone thinks that. P5: Shakira Keller is very stylish.
P3: No matter what it is that I put on, I feel like you would say that anyway, just
to make me feel good, which is great. I love you for that!
P7: Tamara is beyond beautiful. P2: I really need to hear from you sometimes
that I am beyond beautiful because I'm getting old and I hope that you still see me as beautiful
and beyond beautiful means like metaphysical, like the heart!
P8: You have inspired me to be a better person and a stronger person.
P1: I feel very thankful that you think that way, because I feel as though everyday you
show me who I can be and that person is always better so, I'm thankful that you think that.
P5: Shakira Keller is adorable in all the weirdest ways.
P3: I wouldn't call myself adorable, but I'm glad that you think that, because I don't
think that there's that many people who would say that and appreciate the weird things about
me. P8: You are the most loving and caring person
I know. P1: I think that this is very important to
Oscar, his mother was very caring when she was alive and very loving, and it's something
and someone I try to be everyday. And I know that he does the same for me everyday.
P6: You're confident. P4: It makes me feel good that she says that
as well because I feel like I don't have a lot of confidence, if she views me as a confident
person then maybe everybody else that I interact with sees me as a confident person as well.
P8: I love you more than anything. P1: Thank you, it's hard to always accept
that that is true. I feel like that's really something that everyone wants and I feel so
fortunate I feel the same way and I know that it's so special and it's unique and thank you.
Julian: When they were done, we went ahead
and tested their self-esteem one more time. We saw an average increase in self-esteem
of 11% with increases as high as 34% and nobody decreased. Accepting compliments doesn't mean
you are arrogant or conceited, it's healthy for both you and your relationship by validating
your partner's thoughts. You just watched us try this experiment out with couples, but
remember this is a great exercise to try in any sort of relationship you care about, so
feel free to try it out! If you want, film it and upload it to YouTube with the hashtag
"Science of Love" and we'll do something awesome with it!
I'm Julian, and this has been The Science of Love.
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