- [Narrator] When a small controversy
sparks an internet firestorm,
it's up to Judge Roy to sort the justified
from the just straight tripping.
It all happens now on "Outrage Court".
Today on "Outrage Court."
Free speech on campus.
Desi Lydic thinks safe spaces and trigger warnings
are necessary to foster minority voices
and protect against hate speech.
Jordan Klepper thinks college kids are pussies.
- Huge.
- All rise for the Honorable Judge Roy Wood, Jr.
- Yeah.
(claps obnoxiously)
Sit y'all asses down.
All right, let's get down to the get down.
What in the goddamn is a safe space?
Desi, you have the floor.
- Picture this, Your Honor.
You're a minority.
- I'll allow it.
- Every day you face discrimination, hate speech,
microaggressions.
Not the shouty, angry Mel Gibson-y kind,
but a consistent undercurrent of white noise.
Let's just call it, "Whites only noise."
These colleges are just trying to create spaces
where you and your fellow students
can be free from all of that.
- I get it.
So, racism is like a nagging wife and safe spaces
are like the downstairs bathroom that I go to
to get away from her?
- Excellent example, Your Honor.
Also a great microaggression against me as a woman.
- Compliments sustained.
Jordan, what's your problem with this?
- Your Honor, safe spaces are nothing but an attempt
to shut down free speech.
College is a time to face stuff you don't like.
Like hacky sack, blood chuggers and white boy dreadlocks.
If I cut myself off from all the bigots I know,
I wouldn't have any friends left.
I'd be left playing tennis all by myself.
There are no safe spaces in the real world.
These colleges are softening this kids up
like an overripe avocado
when they should be hard and tough,
like a proper avocado.
(fruit crunching)
Mhm.
Bitter.
Like reality.
- That is (beep) nasty.
Put it down.
- Policies like this make minorities feel encouraged
and validated when it comes to free speech.
I mean, I'll just say me as a woman,
I mean, I can hardly get a word in with-
- Oh, what is she even talking about?
We haven't even talked about trigger warnings yet.
Did you know there are students who won't go into classrooms
'cause they're afraid the lectures will upset them?
How are we supposed to teach these students
without frightening them?
Like, what's history class going to be?
Some little fish crawled up on the land,
some stuff happens, Nixon, and then here we are?
- College students just want an experience
that's free from emotional trauma,
like seeing a white guy dress up
as Stevie Wonder for Halloween.
- That costume is a hit every single year
and no blind person has ever complained about it.
- My point is it's not limiting free speech
to raise awareness for microaggressions.
(snorts)
- Microaggression sound like when a Hobbit keys your car.
- Right, right.
Or like an ingredient in a bodywash.
(laughs) - Yeah.
- Or a...
- No.
But my point is just because something has a ridiculous name
doesn't mean that it's not real.
Like, Benedict Cumberbatch.
Ridiculous name. A hundred percent real.
- I see what you're asking for, Counselor.
- From now on,
microaggressions will be referred to as Cumberbatches.
- Wait, no, that wasn't my point.
- Damn, you just got Cumberbatched.
- Oh my god.
- All right, you've both made compelling arguments.
I've reached a verdict.
Jordan, you're right. The college kids should grow a pair.
If our kids grew up thinking the world
is safe spaces and trigger warnings and hell,
how are we gonna protect ourselves from Russia?
Hell, how are we gonna stand up to Jamaica?
All they do is come in here, triggering us
with they damn reggae and they ganja and they jerk chicken.
You seen the eggs and bacon dancing?
- Frightening,
- But Desi, you're right.
Everybody's entitled to an education where their roommate
isn't trying to touch their damn hair all the time.
The solution here is obvious.
I'm banning all college. It's a waste of time.
You think I went to college to be a judge?
- I think you have to.
- You didn't go to college?
- No, I just bought this on eBay, man.
I got this robe from my pastor.
Court adjourned. (gavel thuds)
Get the (beep) up.
Just go.
Bitch, I'm the judge.
(upbeat music)