-Here at "Late Night," every night, I deliver a monologue
comprised of jokes written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight, white male,
it would be difficult for me to deliver them,
but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them.
So we'd like to share them with you now in a segment called
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
You guys, these are two of our writers.
That's Amber. That's Jenny.
-I'm black. -And I'm gay.
-And we're both women. -And I'm not.
So, here's how this works.
I will read the setups to these jokes,
and Amber and Jenny will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
In honor of Halloween, two artists in Philadelphia
recently constructed a lesbian haunted house.
-A lesbian haunted house is just a regular house
but with no cats.
-According to a new study,
the most popular car color in America is white.
-You can tell the car is white
when it has nothing in the trunk.
-It's just a nice, flat trunk. -It's that flat trunk.
-Just a door and then nothing. [ Laughter ]
-Throw the luggage in the back seat.
-Where?
-A jury awarded a St. Louis police officer $20 million
after supervisors allegedly told him to "tone down your gayness."
-Incidentally, "tone down your gayness"
is also the official slogan of the Catholic Church.
-And, now, Jenny -- Jenny, do you go to church?
-No, but every year, I do give up men for Lent.
-Ah, yeah. -And all other holidays.
-And all the other ones. -All of the holidays.
-Disney's new streaming service, Disney+, already has
over 10 million subscribers.
-And I'm sure if Walt Disney was here today,
he'd say, "Whoa, whoa, whoa.
'Black Panther'?"
-Now, Amber, are you gonna get Disney+?
-No. I'm gonna get Disney-.
It's Disney movies minus all the racist characters.
Pocahontas is just like, "Hi," and then the movie's over.
-Delta Air Lines recently showed an edited version
of the film "Booksmart" that cut out
the movie's lesbian sex scene.
-Even worse, they showed a version of "Peanuts"
without Peppermint Patty.
-Is she -- Oh, she is.
-Well, Marcie's more than a friend.
-Right, right, right.
A Los Angeles food writer is releasing a new cookbook
celebrating African-American cuisine.
-Said white people, "What's this ingredient?
S-s-salt?"
-Hey. White people know salt. We know a lot of spices.
-Name one. -Uh...Scary Spice?
Alright.
Props from the sitcom "Friends"
will be auctioned off next month for charity.
-A fun fact -- "Friends" is how my grandpa
describes me and my girlfriend.
-And what does he call you and your ex-girlfriend?
-Former co-workers. -Ah.
The NYPD has launched a true-crime podcast.
-And spoiler alert -- they did it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Under a new deal, Australia's women's soccer team
will now be paid the same as the men's team.
-And the U.S. women's soccer team will now be paid
in Chuck E. Cheese tokens.
-Now, Jenny, have you been to Chuck E. Cheese?
-No, but when I dated guys, I used to make out with them
like an animatronic puppet.
[ Robotic voice ] I feel nothing.
-Yeah.
Oh, no, I dated one of those.
-Did she have a banjo? -That's a dead giveaway.
The Guggenheim Museum recently hired
their first full-time black curator.
-A black curator is like a white curator,
except they think every statue is too skinny.
-This next one is about moms. Jenny, you're a mom.
Do you want to take it? -Oh, no, no, no, no.
We brought a way more experienced mom to help us.
Come on out.
-Hey! [ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, everybody!
Yeah!
It's my mom, Hillary Meyers, everybody!
-Whoo! -Hi, sweet pea.
-Hi. -How are you, sweetie?
-Hey, enough!
Let's do this. Are you ready?
-Yeah. -Okay.
According to a recent article, young mothers
are more likely to have children with ADHD.
-While hot mothers are more likely to have
children with talk shows.
-Oh. [ Cheers and applause ]
That was great. Very well done, Mom.
Very well done. -Hey, Seth.
Why don't you tell one now. -Oh, no. I couldn't, you guys.
-Come on! Just tell one!
-Oh, I feel like if I do one, it will not end well.
-Listen to your mother.
-Okay, okay, okay, okay.
In response to a growing trend, a gynecologist in the U.K.
is warning women not to masturbate
using electric toothbrushes.
But on the plus side,
they have absolutely no tartar down there.
-Seth, no! -Oh, how dare you?!
-Seth, no! -You told me it would be okay!
-It was terrible! -You're grounded.
-You black women and lesbians and mommies are liars!
♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]
We'll be right back, everybody.