it's no secret that we spend a lot of
time and effort trying to appear
confident on the surface when we're
around other people because we kind of
have no choice people are extremely
judgmental whether they're aware of it
or not sizing people up is an
evolutionary mechanism when we appear
confident and self-assured people
subconsciously place us higher on their
social hierarchy this is why it matters
how you dress the strength behind your
voice and your posture when you enter a
room all of these things contribute
tremendously to how people end up
treating you but the weird thing is so
many of us feel a huge disconnect
between the person that we're trying to
appear in the world as
and who we actually are as a person
because no matter how meticulously we
groom ourselves or how obsessively we
keep up with the latest trends or how
quippy and clever our matter of speech
is the whole thing ends up feeling like
a giant facade like we're just putting
this show on we're not actually
confident we're slapping makeup on a pig
and this is a problem because the more
you strain to act like a confident
person in the real world people don't
really buy it they can tell that it's
forced fake smiles are really easy to
spot i think the reason why so many of
us don't feel confident and rock solid
is because we're forgetting a concept
that is fundamental to the way our
psychology works and that is that while
we are indeed very efficient at judging
other people and sizing them up our
brain uses the exact same mechanism to
judge ourselves we are a fly on the wall
of our own lives constantly judging the
things we say the thoughts we entertain
and the habits we indulge in and this
constant observation happens without our
conscious knowledge because it's
subconscious knowledge and this
subconscious of ours is always watching
us taking notes comparing our lifestyle
to our value system and the longer time
goes on the more evidence our
subconscious gathers to form an opinion
about ourselves just like it would with
other people so the more and more time
we live in contradiction to our value
system the lower our opinion will be of
ourselves so if we happen to have a very
low opinion of ourselves we'd have very
low self-esteem low self-confidence low
self-efficacy then there's a very good
chance that your subconscious has
observed you live your life in a way
that is contradictory to your
fundamental value system and this is
kind of what affirmation culture gets
wrong you know it sounds all well and
good and helpful to look yourself in the
mirror and say you are powerful and you
are strong you are good-looking you
attract wealth you attract women you
attract men you attract everyone but the
truth is your subconscious is harder to
fool if you look yourself in the mirror
and say one thing and then behave the
opposite way your subconscious isn't
fooled it watched you do that it'll say
wow this guy never does what he says
he's going to do i'm going to use this
information to develop a self-doubt
complex that will leak into every area
of his life and his interactions with
others especially women and that's the
insidious thing about our subconscious
it influences our mood our mindset and
our overall mental state far more than
we probably realize and that's because
our subconscious accounts for over 90 of
our overall mental function so how we
conduct ourselves in its presence is
everything so needless to say the key to
confidence in life the key to feeling
self-assured is not to double down and
care more about what other people think
of you it's to take more seriously this
relationship that you have with your own
subconscious
and to realize that you can form a
partnership and a friendship with your
subconscious and i know that sounds
super woo-woo and spiritual and you're
like what the [ __ ] is this guy talking
about but if you like the idea of
forming a better relationship with your
own subconscious then a great way to do
that is to
develop that relationship like you would
any other relationship by spending time
to get to know the other person you need
to spend time to get to know yourself to
uncover what your fundamental value
system is so that you can better live in
accordance to that so take some time to
ask yourself some key questions you know
take out a pen and paper and ask
yourself what kind of person do i want
to be in this world how can i live my
life in a way that i would be proud of
what kind of habits does my ideal self
have and if i was my ideal self how
would i interact with the people around
me how would i spend my time when nobody
is around does my ideal self make
mistakes sometimes if so how does my
ideal self respond to the mistakes i
make would i learn from them and
encourage myself to do better your
answers to these types of questions will
help you uncover truths that you hold
about yourself and the standards that
you're trying to uphold yourself to
because whether you're aware of these
ideals consciously or not they're there
in your subconscious and your
subconscious is constantly comparing
your behavior to these ideals so it's
super important to take some time to try
to figure out what constitutes a good
and honorable person according to you
and chances are there's a lot of truth
to these underlying beliefs and
sometimes these beliefs are a little
skewed and they need correcting and you
need to form healthier values and
healthier expectations of yourself so a
great way to do this is to go through
this whole process of writing this stuff
down and diving deep by yourself
and then taking that information to a
friend or a third party preferably a
therapist or a mental health
professional and try to figure out
whether or not this value system is
actually useful for you you know are you
holding yourself to unrealistic
expectations or are these healthy and
good ideals to have because either way
there's no getting around the fact that
if you want to develop a better opinion
about yourself your behaviors and your
values need to match and in order for
that to happen either your behaviors
need to change or your values need to
change as you go through this process
you'll probably realize that you are on
your own side more than you probably
realize and when your conscious mind and
your subconscious mind is on the same
page you'll find that there's a certain
uniformity to your character you don't
say one thing and then do another you
don't act one way in public and then act
another way in private you'll be a more
consistent human being with a more
authentic identity you will feel like
yourself you'll feel like you're more
you and that's a really intangible thing
to try to relay to you but it is a very
real feeling and that feeling is what
confidence feels like it's to be
unapologetically you in the presence of
others while you're alone it just
doesn't really matter you're you no
matter the circumstances and i really
hope that this video gives you some
ideas as to how you can get there in
your life
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