If it offends somebody and they don't get that,
you just set yourself free and people like that around you,
because you're going to have to be able to say no sooner or later.
Hi, I'm Dr. John Demartini. You've probably, as you've gone through life.
Been bombarded by people's request.
And they want to take up your time. They want to sell you something.
They want to be an opportunist.
They want you to go and do something that's not really intuitively what you want
to do. And you had difficulty saying no.
And it felt like you feel obligated to them to go and do what they want.
And you feel distracted from what you really want to do.
And you just didn't have the courage or the skills of articulating, 'Thank you.
But no, thank you'. Well,
if you're having difficulty saying no to people that are vying for your
attention and distracting you from what's really important to you,
here's some ideas.
The reason why you say what you say in life is based,
every decision you make is based on what you believe will give you the greatest
advantage over disadvantage. So if you're having difficulty saying no,
it's because in that moment, you're assuming that if you say no,
there's going to be more disadvantage than advantage. That's why you did it.
But what would happen if all of a sudden you sat down and thought with a
preemptive strike, you might say,
and thought if that person comes up to me again and asked me to do this again,
and asks me to distract me from what is important to me,
what if you sat down and wrote down the benefits to them of saying no and the
drawbacks to them to saying yes,
and you stacked up the drawbacks of saying yes and the benefits of saying no and
kept stacking them up, stacking them up.
Once the drawbacks of saying yes and the benefits of saying no,
add up to more advantages than disadvantages to saying no than to yes,
you'll have no problem doing it. It's just in the brain.
The reason why you feel guilty is you're assuming that there's going to be more
drawbacks than benefits if you say no.
So that's why you don't do it because you don't want to feel guilty and you
don't want to hurt their feelings and you don't want to make them offended.
But if you actually sit down and analyze 'what is the benefits to them?' Now,
I did this to a gentlemen, many years ago,
that came up to me and was always asking me to take and go to lunch and dinner
and everything else, and he was time-consuming.
That he wanted to run his story and get free consulting services and this and
that. And I finally said, 'No.' He goes, 'No?' I said, 'No.
I have way higher priority things to do.' I just told him the truth.
And I got back in integrity. And at first he was huffed and puffed about it.
But then the next time he asked, 'Is there a way you can,
I can schedule a time with you, cause I really need to have some time with you?'
And he was willing to pay for my time.
And he valued my time because I valued my time.
And by me saying no to him and being in integrity,
he respected me more. And even though I got a little reaction from him at first,
I got a reward from him as I did because I was now being integrity.
So if you sit down and write down the benefits to them of you saying no to
their request and the drawbacks to them of continually saying yes and giving
in, and then the benefits to them of when you say no,
how has it really served them in every aspect of their life?
Not just the immediate need, but the, whatever it is in their life,
because they may be going around and mooching off other people and taking
advantage of other people and getting free this.
And annoying a lot of people that are just trying to avoid them and it's holding
them back in their life because they're basically opportunist and they're not
really caring about other people's needs. And then maybe just assuming that,
and eventually you get to a point where most of the people are avoiding them.
So being truthful like that actually sets them free and puts them back into fair
exchange. And it's going to help them in their life.
So sit down and write down how it's going to be benefit to tactfully saying
'thank you. But no thank you.' There's absolutely no reason you can't say,
'thank you, but no thank you. Right now I've got other higher priority things.
And if I was to do this, I wouldn't be fully there.
And you deserve to have somebody that's fully there for you instead of somebody
that's not really there and not being distracted.
So I have higher priority things right now at the end of those higher priority
things I can reevaluate and find out at that moment,
if that's really something of priority to me,
but you deserve to have somebody that really wants to be there a hundred
percent. And that's not what's priority for me right now.' Or you know what,
'Right now, no, right now that's not important to me.
If you come back to me with something that is very valuable in my values I may
say yes, but right now that's not, that's boring to me.
It doesn't tell me.' I found that just being blunt sometimes and telling them
the truth and having integrity like that,
If it offends somebody and they don't get that,
you just set yourself free of people like that around you.
Cause you're going to have to be able to say no sooner or later,
if you can't say no to other people,
you can't say yes to things that are dreaming, you want to dream about.
Now that doesn't mean there aren't going to be times when they're going to ask
you to do something and you're going to sit there and go, wow,
the advantages doing that are great. And you say yes to it,
but there's going to be times when you feel obligated and trapped and feel
guilty saying no. And that's the moment I'm talking about.
How does it benefit them by saying no?
How is it a drawback to them by saying yes,
and answer that as many times it takes until it's level and there's no guilt
associated just telling them the truth and you're back in integrity.
They will respect you. They'll value your time more.
They'll consider asking in a different, more polite way,
a more fulfilling way.
And you'll end up having more freedom to be able to be truthful to yourself.
And then when you really do want to do something,
you'll do it because you want to not because you feel obligated or guilt
oriented. So learn to say 'no,
thank you but no thank you' to things that aren't truly, truly.
If you're in integrity,
you're helping them be more masterful and you're helping yourself be more
masterful in life. So don't be afraid to say no.
Now there's many ways of saying it. You can basically do it really tactfully.
Or in some cases, bluntly. I don't have a preference for each one.
I may try a tactful way. If that doesn't get there, I'll get really blunt.
I have a girl one time that asked me and she says,
I'd like to do this and this and this,
and started putting pressure on me to want to go out and do things. And I said,
'Ma'am, I'm not interested in you. What you're doing is to turn off.
If you continue to do that with other men,
you'll probably get the same response.
I think by me saying no to you will be to your greatest advantage.
You need to respect people in their values.
You didn't consider my values when you requested it. If you do,
you might get a different result.' And I did that and it changed the dynamic.
It changed her. She was more polite.
She then thought about things out and she came back and did a presentation to me
and asked me to do something that was a win-win. And we both learned from that.
So don't be afraid to be integrity. If you get out of integrity,
you have to pay a price,
in business or a relationship or kids or any area of life,
better to be back in integrity and tell people either tactfully or bluntly
the truth about what's going on and give them feedback.
It'll Help them in their dynamic of communication and help you have the freedom
to do what you really want to do in life.
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