- By the way, this story's so name-droppy,
I apologize in advance.
This story's so name-droppy, DiCaprio was there,
I don't even mention him.
(upbeat music)
- Famous people are weird as shit.
(audience laughing)
They're all weird. Your suspicions are correct.
And they would all come in to "Saturday Night Live,"
and they'd have to meet with me
'cause I was a little rat writer
and they'd have to talk about the sketches.
They'd sit on my office couch that had,
like, bedbugs and stuff.
It was great, like they were famous, but it was my couch.
It'd be like if you went into your childhood bedroom
and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there.
Yeah, he's Joe DiMaggio. He's a legend.
He had sex with Marilyn Monroe,
but only you know where the bathroom is.
(audience laughing)
- I'm gonna drop a name, all right?
The day after I broke my foot, Glenn Howerton,
my friend Glenn Howerton,
(audience cheering)
who is almost 50, but for this bit, he's over 50.
I need it to, come on, who cares about logic?
He broke his collarbone, okay, so I called him up,
giving him a little solidarity, little support.
"Hey man, I broke my foot. What happened?"
Now in my mind I'm thinking, well,
he was probably reaching for a bag of SunChips wrong
and his collarbone broke or something.
And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.
I landed a flip wrong."
All right, fuck off, fuck off.
You don't need to go to that much hassle.
Once you get to a certain age, you don't need to do,
I don't even think that's what happened.
I think he's lying to me.
I think somebody slammed a door near him
and then his collarbone fell into his ass cheek,
and then he told his wife,
"Just duct tape me to a snowboard
and push me down a Black Diamond Trail, please.
Give me some dignity for God sakes."
Now I'm gonna drop another name.
A month after I broke my foot, Tony Hawk broke his,
broke his femur in two.
Pow, landed a vertical wrong.
He's out in his warehouse, doing his verticals,
landed it wrong, broke his femur.
DMs me a picture of his X-ray, he's like,
"Looks like we're in the same boat, buddy."
And I'm like, "No, we're fucking not.
You just Jackie Chan-ed yourself into even more coolness."
(audience laughing)
He found a whole other level of cool.
I slipped off a curb like someone's aunt
that saw a bird, that is how I went down.
I went down in the most embarrassing way possible.
(audience laughing)
- By the way, this story's so name-droppy,
I apologize in advance.
This story's so name-droppy, DiCaprio was there,
I don't even mention him.
(audience laughing)
So Netflix has a party
and it's at the head of Netflix's house,
a guy named Ted Sarandos.
A great man.
(audience laughing)
A great man.
(audience laughing)
So it's at Ted Sarandos' house, and I walk in
and it's, like, the biggest comedians in the world, right?
I'd look over, it's like Burr, Aziz, Mulaney,
Ali Wong, Sarah Silverman, Wanda Sykes, Trevor Noah,
Borat.
(audience laughing)
And you're like, pretty good, pretty big, Neal. All right?
Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Kevin Hart,
and then I look over here, Ellen DeGeneres, Eddie Murphy.
It's like goddamn, I've never seen
all these people together, ever, right?
And I remember thinking like, "Buddy,
I don't know what you did to get invited to this party
but it must have been pretty good
and I'm proud of you, right?"
And I'm just looking around at all these,
like, heroes of mine, right?
All icons.
And Ted Sarandos, who is a great man,
(audience laughing)
gives a toast, and he goes,
"It's such a thrill for me to be in the same room
with all of my comedy heroes,"
and Chris Rock yells out, "And Neal Brennan!"
(audience laughing and cheering)
- I tried to interview the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia.
I'm serious, he came to New York City,
and he was taking all these weird meetings.
Dude, he met with Michael Bloomberg
at the Starbucks in Times Square.
Do you remember this? Look at Bloomberg's goofy ass.
He's just like, "Welcome to Starbucks, Ya Highness.
If you wanna take a shit, the code is 2332, my liege."
(audience laughing)
All right, Crown Prince in New York, your boy in New York.
Let me shoot my shot.
Let me slide in the DMs. It'll be funny.
(audience laughing)
Now Beena has a slightly different take,
because she has a PhD
(audience laughing)
and I do PowerPoint comedy.
(audience laughing)
So she's like, "Hasan, do not antagonize the Saudis.
It's dangerous."
I go, "I know."
(audience laughing)
She goes, "I'm serious.
Don't do the interview."
And I go, "I won't."
(audience laughing)
And I meant it,
but then she left the room.
(audience laughing)
- He's the definition of a guy, my father,
who doesn't give a fuck.
He just doesn't care at all.
And yeah, Tony, some people are like that, you know?
Tampa Tony, I don't know why he is the way he is,
but he just couldn't care less about anything.
And that's good. That's good, you know?
I mean, I remember one time we saw,
I was in a pizzeria with him and he saw,
I saw Steven Tyler, you know, from Aerosmith.
Saw him, and everybody was like,
"Oh, you know, that's him."
And my dad was like, "I know who that guy is."
And I was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
everybody does."
He goes, "Yeah, the fucking guy."
He goes, "I gotta say something to him."
I was like, "Dad, please don't say anything to him.
Please don't say anything to him."
He goes, "I gotta say something to him, Chris,
he's napkin blotting the oil off his pizza.
So that's a sin, he should get punched in the face for that.
He can't do it."
I was like, "Dad, don't do it."
He goes, "I'm doing it," and he walks up to him,
he goes, "Yo, Bon Jovi,
(audience laughing)
don't napkin blot the oil off your pizza, you loser."
And he was like, "I'm Steven Tyler."
He goes, "You suck."
(audience laughing)
- That was a really good month, December, 2021.
I remember I went to a Knicks game
with my good pals, Jon Stewart and Chris Rock, right?
So we went to this Knicks game.
Yeah, they're the best,
and very hilarious that they hang out with me.
(audience laughing)
I mean, it's really weird
but I'm stoked 'cause they're like, you know, heroes.
So we're watching the game, and it's the game
when Steph Curry breaks, like,
the three-point record, right?
And I remember he broke the three-point record
in, like, the first quarter
and just somehow, how we were placed,
'cause, like, he shot it from over there and we,
me, Jon and Chris were under the basket, so, like,
in the picture that everybody put out that's like
here's him breaking the record,
us three are just like, uh,
like we all look we completely photobombed, like, his,
like, whatever basketball card that's gonna be like forever.
And it was such a good night, but it's just so weird
'cause, like, since then horrible things have happened
to me and Chris.
(audience laughing)
So Jon Stewart, if you're watching, watch your fucking back.
(audience laughing)
- Okay, first of all,
I didn't even know Kevin was as successful as he was.
(audience laughing)
I found that shit out the hard way.
I was at home and my son bust in, he say
"Dad, Dad, I need $250."
He's only 12 years old, so I freaked out,
"What's going on, nigga, somebody trying to kill you?"
(audience laughing)
He said, "No, no, Kevin Hart's coming to town
and I wanted to see his show."
I said, "Well, how much are the tickets?
He said, "They're $125."
I said, "Goddamn, mine only 80."
(audience laughing)
I said, "Well, why you need $250 then?"
He goes, "'Cause I want to go with you, Dad, please?"
And there it is.
So I took him to the show and we go,
we sit right up front, the lights go down,
and one opening act after another goes on.
Then Kevin takes a stage, crowd goes fucking nuts.
Thousands of people.
I was furious.
(audience laughing)
The longer the show went on, the madder I got,
'cause his show was fucking outstanding.
It was maddening, these people were
fucking holding their stomachs.
My son was slapping his knee.
(Dave laughing mockingly)
I'm like, "Nigga, I do this too."
(audience laughing)
Kevin says goodnight, the crowd goes crazy,
and then everyone starts walking to this door
and the lights come on,
and then my son is just standing there,
looking at an empty stage.
People are pushing past me and nobody's recognizing me.
I'm like, "Man, this place fucking sucks."
I said, "Come on, son, let's get outta here."
And then my son looks back at me and he says,
"Dad, please, please, I have to meet him."
I was like, "Oh my God."
(audience laughing)
So I took him backstage.
I've known Kevin for years, but can you believe
I was scared to knock on his dressing room door.
I almost said,
"Son, I haven't seen him for a long time, but I..."
(audience laughing)
(Dave knocking)
And one of Kevin's goons opened the door.
(audience laughing)
"Hey, what's up, Dave Chappelle, what you doing, man?
It's good to see you, brother.
What you doing in this area? This is a terrible area."
"Yeah, actually, I live around here, listen...
(audience laughing)
Is Kevin here? My son just wanted to meet him real quick."
"Well, I don't know, 'cause Kevin's about to eat dinner."
Just then Kevin came around the corner to see who it was.
"What? Oh, shit.
What's up, Dave? Come on back.
I was just about to have dinner.
I don't know if you guys ate
but you're welcome to join me if you like."
And then my son pushed past me on some cold shit,
he goes, "Actually, Mr. Hart,
we haven't eaten in several hours."
(audience laughing)
Man, Kevin took us into his back room.
This guy had a fucking spread.
It was Tuesday night,
this motherfucker was having Sunday dinner.
It was steaks, chops, corn with butter all over it.
My son was eating all fast, embarrassing me.
I was like, "Slow down, son."
(audience laughing)
- I'm frazzled, I'm like, "Mr. President, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean that, you don't have AIDS.
You definitely, and even if you did have AIDS,
there's nothing wrong with having AIDS.
There's no stigma. This'll be cool.
I'm, actually, I don't even know why I'm saying this.
I'm so sorry."
And he's like, "Trevor, Trevor, calm down.
Trevor, Trevor, Trevor, calm down."
I was like, "I'm so sorry Mr. President, I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have said that,
I'm probably the dumbest person you've ever met."
He's like, "No, Trevor, Trevor, calm down."
"I'm the dumbest person you've ever met."
He's like, "No, Trevor, that's not true.
I've met Trump."
(audience cheering)
- I got a call to go sit courtside at Madison Square Garden
for a New York Knicks game, right?
It was awesome. I was like, "Whoa, I'm doing it."
So I brought my father. Of course I brought my father.
So we get there to the game and it is pretty cool.
Like, it's awesome, so my dad is talking to this man
at the Knicks game, this really famous man,
and he's telling him all about me,
which is, you know, embarrassing.
I'm like, "You don't have to say anything, Dad.
Like, I don't care."
And he goes, "My son's a great comedian."
He goes, "You gotta get on his website, chrisdcomedy.com
but he's probably sold outta clicks.
You probably can't even, sold all the clicks."
I'm like, "That's not how the internet works, but whatever."
He goes, "Yeah, those clicks."
I'm like, and he goes, and this is true,
he goes, "He's got a gig next week at Bananas Comedy Club."
And that's real, Bananas Comedy Club. It's a comedy club.
It's inside a Holiday Inn Express, off the side
of the highway in Hasbrouck Heights, New Jersey.
They hang live bananas, real bananas over your head
that they got at a bodega two hours before
in a hotel conference room, I swear to God.
I was really doing a show there.
And he's telling him, he goes,
"And my kid's probably sold out though.
He's probably sold out, so if you put 50 bucks
underneath my foot right now, maybe two tickets will pop up.
Maybe they won't."
And he's just running his mouth and I'm like so embarrassed.
I'm like, "I don't even wanna look at who this is.
Like just, I want this to end. I want this to end."
And then with that, the man, the MSG staff came over
to put the man my father was talking to up on the jumbotron.
It was Phil Collins, okay?
Phil Collins, a man who sold out the entire world,
was being told to come see me at Bananas Comedy Club
inside a Holiday Inn Express
off the side of the highway in New Jersey.
(audience cheering)
I go, yeah.
I was like, "Dad, Dad, that's Phil Collins."
He was like, "Yeah, he's gay."
(audience laughing)
- Everyone always wants to know if famous people are nice.
Like Mick Jagger, he came in to host the show.
My friends were all like, "Is he nice?"
No, or maybe he is for his version of life
because he has a very different life.
He's Mick Jagger, that's his name.
(audience laughing)
He's played to stadiums of 20,000 people cheering for him
like he's a god for 50 years.
That must change you as a person.
If you do that for 50 years,
you're never again gonna be like
"Um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow?"
Mick Jagger didn't talk like that.
Mick Jagger talked like this, he'd go, "Yes!
No!
Yes!"
I pitched him a joke and he went, "Not funny."
(audience laughing)
I mean, people say that on the internet
but never to your face
does a British billionaire in leather pants go,
"Not funny."
(audience laughing)
(upbeat music)