♪♪
Narrator: IT'S FIVE DAYS TO SHARK WEEK,
LIKE I HAD TO TELL YOU THAT,
AND TIME FOR "THE DAILY BITE."
ON TODAY'S EP -- THAT'S SHORT FOR "EPISODE" --
WE SEE MORE OF HOW SHARK WEEK HAS CHANGED THE WORLD,
WATCH SOME MORE KINKY SHARK SEX STUFF,
AND LEARN A FANCY WORD.
I CALL THAT A FULL DAY IN ANYONE'S CALENDAR.
NOW, HERE'S SHARK BOY HIMSELF, JORDAN CARLOS.
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY BITE,"
A SHOW WHERE WE TALK ABOUT SHARKS,
PEOPLE WHO LOVE SHARKS,
THE FUNNY THINGS SHARKS DO,
AND, OF COURSE, ME.
I'M YOUR HOST AND NEW FAVORITE STAR,
JORDAN CARLOS.
NOW LET'S JUMP RIGHT IN.
LET'S GET SHARKY.
♪♪
Fallows: SHARKS HAVE BEEN AROUND FOR 400 MILLION YEARS.
THEY DESERVE OUR RESPECT.
THEY KILL LESS THAN 10 HUMANS A YEAR WORLDWIDE,
YET WE KILL UP TO 100 MILLION OF THESE ANIMALS.
Kurr: IF PEOPLE WERE KILLED AT THE SAME RATE,
EVERY SINGLE MAN, WOMAN, AND CHILD IN THE UNITED STATES
WOULD BE GONE IN THREE YEARS AND THREE MONTHS.
♪♪
Daly-Engel: SHARK WEEK HAS GIVEN PEOPLE
FRONT-ROW ACCESS TO THE WORLD OF SHARKS,
WHICH HAS LED TO A GREATER UNDERSTANDING
OF THE IMPORTANCE OF SHARK CONSERVATION.
THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE
FOR PICKING OUT THE DISEASED, THE OLD, THE SLOW,
THE MEMBERS OF THEIR PREY
THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T SURVIVE ANYWAY,
AND THAT IS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
Gruber: THE SHARKS THAT ARE CAUGHT ON THE TUNA LINE,
THEY'RE BY-CATCH,
OR THEY'RE WHAT WE CALL CRYPTIC MORTALITY.
THE FISHERMAN WILL CUT THOSE FINS OFF,
THROW THE BODY BACK,
AND THEY PUT THOSE UP IN THE RIG AND DRY THEM,
AND THEY DON'T TAKE ANY ROOM IN THE FREEZER
FOR ANYTHING BUT BLUE FIN TUNA.
SO THAT'S REALLY WHAT'S HAPPENING.
Fallows: AS PEOPLE BECOME MORE AWARE OF THESE ANIMALS,
SO THEY TAKE MORE ACTION TO CONSERVE THEM.
SO THE LONGER SHARK WEEK CARRIES ON
AND THE MORE PEOPLE THAT BECOME AMBASSADORS FOR SHARKS,
THE BETTER IT IS FOR BOTH SHARKS
AND PEOPLE WHO ENJOY SEEING THESE ANIMALS IN ACTION.
♪♪
SOMETHING I KNOW ALL ABOUT IS SEX.
ACTUALLY, IT'S SEX ED.
BUT I NEED TO BRUSH UP ON MY SHARK SEX ED.
WON'T YOU JOIN ME?
WE CAN DO THIS.
HAND IN DORSAL.
I'M READY.
I'M QUIVERING WITH EXCITEMENT.
THIS IS SHARK SEX 101.
TODAY'S LESSON IS ABOUT MATING.
Man: ♪ SEX ♪
[ JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS ]
♪ SEX ♪
♪♪
ALL RIGHT, THE DANCE IS DONE, THE FIGHT IS WON,
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO SWIM OUT OF THE FRIEND ZONE
AND DIVE INTO THE BONE ZONE.
ACTUALLY, SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SHARKS,
THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS THE FRIEND ZONE.
IN FACT, THERE'S NOTHING FRIENDLY
ABOUT SHARK SEX WHATSOEVER.
IT STARTS WITH THE MALE BITING ONTO THE FEMALE,
BOTH TO HOLD ON TO HER
BUT ALSO TO MANEUVER HER INTO POSITION.
YOU CAN THINK OF THIS KIND OF LIKE A SHARK HICKEY,
EXCEPT IT'S A LITTLE BIT MORE KINKY
AND OFTENTIMES THESE THINGS TEND TO GET A LITTLE BLOODY,
BUT IT'S NOTHING THE FEMALE CAN'T RECOVER FROM.
FEMALE SHARKS POSSESS THE POWER TO HEAL LIKE WOLVERINE,
ALLOWING THEM TO QUICKLY RECOVER FROM DAMN NEAR ANYTHING,
INCLUDING A FEW BITES FROM AN OVERLY AGGRESSIVE MALE.
NOW THAT TOOTHY FORMALITIES ARE OUT OF THE WAY,
THE SEX PART STARTS,
TYPICALLY IN ONE OF THREE POSITIONS --
THE FEMALE ON THE TOP, THE SIDE BY SIDE,
OR THE FEMALE ON THE BOTTOM,
WHICH, IF YOU ASK ME,
IS EASILY THE MOST BORING POSITION OF THE THREE.
LET'S NOT FORGET UNDERWATER SEX IS SLIPPERY SEX,
SO THE MALE HAS DEVELOPED TWO WAYS TO HOLD ON
DURING THE DURATION OF THE DEED,
A COMBINATION OF USING HIS TEETH
AND THE SPURS LOCATED ON EACH ONE OF HIS CLASPERS.
IN OTHER WORDS,
THIS DUDE HAS HOOKS ON HIS [BLEEP]
YES, I SAID HOOKS, AND YES, I SAID [BLEEP] PLURAL.
WELL, THEY'RE NOT EXACTLY LIKE A PENIS.
YOU SEE, EACH MALE SHARK IS EQUIPPED WITH TWO CLASPERS,
BOTH EQUALLY CAPABLE OF INSEMINATING THE FEMALE,
ESSENTIALLY DOUBLING THE CHANCE OF BREEDING SUCCESS.
DAMN, MOTHER NATURE HAS THOUGHT OF [BLEEP] EVERYTHING.
BEHIND EACH CLASPER IS A BLADDER
THAT THE MALE WILL FILL UP WITH SEAWATER
THEN USE LIKE A HYDRAULIC PUMP
TO PUSH THE SEMEN AS FAR UP THE FEMALE'S CLOACA AS POSSIBLE,
AND THAT'S CLOACA -- C-L-O-A-C-A --
AND IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING,
YES, THAT IS THE TERM FOR A SHARK'S VAGINA.
OFTENTIMES, FEMALES WILL HAVE SEX
WITH SEVERAL MALES IN A SINGLE SESSION.
CAN A GIRL GET A BREAK TO CATCH A SNACK OR SOMETHING?
HOLY [BLEEP].
ALL IN ALL,
SHARK SEX IS A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS,
OFTEN ENDING WITH WOUNDS, BRUISED EGOS,
AND THE GUARANTEE THAT THE OTHER PERSON
WILL NOT BE CALLING OR TEXTING ANYTIME SOON,
WHICH, LET'S BE HONEST,
IS USUALLY THE BEST WAY TO END THINGS.
♪♪
AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS IN THE WHOLE SHOW --
SHARK VOCABULARY.
TODAY WE'RE BREAKING DOWN SOME WORDS
YOU'VE PROBABLY NEVER HEARD OF,
BECAUSE IT'S CALLED LEARNING.
[ CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ]
Man: E-PAUL-- E--
EP--EPAULETTE?
♪♪
[ JOHN PHILIP SOUSA'S "THE STARS AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYS ]
Man: THE EPAULETTE SHARK DOESN'T JUST LOOK LIKE
A MEMBER OF THE MILITARY.
IT ALSO MARCHES LIKE ONE,
OFTEN PUSHING ITSELF ALONG ON ITS FINS
INSTEAD OF SWIMMING.
♪♪
THAT IS OUR SHOW.
EVERYONE, HEY, CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET REAL QUICK?
ONE TIME IN COLLEGE,
I MEASURED OUT HOW BIG A MEGALODON WOULD BE
IF IT WERE IN MY APARTMENT.
I REALIZED TWO THINGS.
MEGALODONS ARE BIG, ROOMMATES HATE MEGALODONS,
AND I HATED MY ROOMMATES.
THAT'S THREE THINGS, BUT WHO CARES?
GOOD NIGHT, FOLKS.
THIS SHOW IS MEGALO-DONE.
♪♪