It's not even weird though, that guys think about sex.
Like we've accepted it so much as a society now.
You know, it's so institutionalized.
We've embraced it, you know.
Like there's just a restaurant called Hooters--
that's just a restaurant.
Whereas there would never be a restaurant like that
for women, you know, called like Dongs.
Where all the waiters were like in Speedos and shit
because that would be a disgusting fucking restaurant.
Nobody would ever eat there.
We do not want to see your flaccid dicks in spandex--
I gotta be honest.
It looks like a hamster stuck in a water balloon.
( APPLAUSE )
No. No.
So it's like some weird shitake mushroom coming out...
It's always going up like a snorkel.
Like why is it up?
Get it down there!
It's always like on one side, all mis--
why is it so misallocated?
Disgusting.
Like if there was going to be a restaurant like that
for women where the waiters were dressed up
to arouse the women eating there,
they would not be in Speedos, okay?
They'd be wearing suits, carrying briefcases,
holding up their perfect credit reports.
( GIGGLES )
Like I feel like girls
don't need like sex while we're doing our jobs, you know.
Right? Like you would never turn on the Cooking Channel
and see like a bunch of shirtless dudes
like yeah, girl, ooh, yeah, yeah.
Just put that butter on the pan, girl.
Just get it in the roast.
I just realized I don't know anything about cooking.
Did you see the wheels just turning there?
Like it wasn't even clo-- Roast?
No one does a roast anymore.
I'm going to work on that.
You guys just need sex all the time.
Like in completely nonsexual situations,
guys need sex, you know.
Like sports, perfect example.
Football.
You guys are watching football
and you've got these amazing athletes on the field
doing amazing things, incredible.
They're flying, they're doing phenomenal things.
Not enough for you.
You still need whores around the perimeter...
...of the field.
God forbid there'd be two seconds
without a tit in the background of something you're watching.
Cheerleaders crack me up, man.
So funny to me because
that's so obviously a guy's idea, you know.
Like a guy obviously thought of that
because the cheerleaders still cheer
even when their team is fucking losing--
they cheer.
No real women would ever act like that.
If her man was out on the field
for five hours on a Sunday bombing,
she wouldn't be like go, baby, go, go.
She'd be like Jason, we're leaving.
First of all, you're embarrassing me, okay?
Second of all, I'm freezing cold,
I have to pee, and Target closes in 20 minutes.
Wrap it up.
I think I figured out why guys like sex more.
I think it's biological.
I think it's because sex is so much better for guys.
You know, it's so much easier.
Like for a guy-- sex is better for guys
because it's so much easier for you guys to have an orgasm.
You know, like for a guy to have an orgasm,
it's just like-- it's like you just... ( SIGHS )
( GROANS )
Pretty much all that has to happen
is you just have to kind of walk into something or...
There has to be like a drizzle out, you know.
Which, by the way, I have narrowed down men's orgasms
to three basic categories.
Like there's three basic ones...
( HEAVY BREATHING )
The first one is like you just got shot in the back
with an arrow...
The second one is like you're puking...
( VOMITING SOUND )
And the third one is a rare one,
but it's for the guys that are like secretly psychos
and they hate women and it'll come out like
right at the finish line, you know, like out of nowhere.
They'll be like yeah, I love you, I need you, yeah.
Shut up, you dumb whore!
I'm like, oh no!
I thought we were in love.
You know for a woman to have an orgasm it is so hard--
it is so hard to have an orgasm.
It's-- I cannot wait to have one.
I hear they're great.
I mean seriously, for a girl to have an orgasm,
you've got to be like-- you've got to be like focused.
You have to be like emotionally connected.
You've got to be relaxed.
You've got to be in great shape, and it makes it even harder
because you guys watch porn
and you think that the porn stars
are having orgasms, but they're all faking it
and they make it look so fucking easy.
Like porn stars will be just like' "Ooh, I'm coming,
I'm coming, I'm coming."
That's nothing.
That's she's coming down from a meth binge.
Nothing's happening to her.
I can't compete with that, you know.
Like if your girl is having an orgasm,
she's not going ooh, I'm coming, I'm coming.
If your girl is having an orgasm,
she's going' "Do not fucking move!"
( YELLING ) I swear to God, I will fucking kill you.
Bastard! Slower.
Tell me you love me--
you better fucking mean it this time!
( YELLING ) Kiss me on the mouth, goddamnit!
( YELLING ) Pull my hair, not the extensions!
( YELLING ) Shut up, you dumb whore!
( SOBS )
( APPLAUSE )