HEY, WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY NEXT GUEST IS A WRITER FOR
"THE LATE LATE SHOW" AND STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HIS
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, FUMI ABE.
(APPLAUSE) THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
OH MY GOD, OKAY, STOP IT IT SO GOOD TO BE HERE.
MY NAME IS FUMI T IS A JAPANESE NAME BUT I ACTUALLY TBREU UP IN
THE MIDWEST, I'M FROM OHIO AND IS IT IS NOT A VERY DIVERSE
PLACE, GROWING UP HAD A STRANGE CONVERSATIONS WITH MY
CLASSMATES.
>> ONE TIME I ASKED THIS GIRL OUT AND SHE WAS LIKE LISTEN,
DON'T TAKE THIS PERSONALLY BUT I'M JUST NOT IN ASIAN GUYS AND I
REMEMBER I WAS SITTING THERE BUT DUDE, I AM LIT REALLILY THE ONLY
ASIAN GUY YOU KNOW, LIKE THIS FEELS EXTREMELY PERSONAL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
SHE JUST KEPT GOING, I DON'T KNOW, YOU TBIES ARE SO SHORT,
KIND OF SKINNY, NAME ARE ALWAYS LIKE FUMI, THAT IS ME.
ARE YOU DESCRIBING ME.
THAT IS A SAMPLE SIZE OF ONE,IA BITCH.
I KNOW CORONAVIRUS WAS VERY SCARY FOR A LONG TIME.
I REMEMBER WHEN IT IT WAS FIRST STARTED IT TWATION ESPECIALLY
SCARY FOR ASIAN AMERICANS, EVERY TIME TRUMP SAID CHIENY VIRUS
THERE WAS VIOLENCE AGAINST ASIAN PEOPLE.
THINGS GOT SO BAD IN NEW YORK THE ATTORNEY GENERAL CREATED A
HOTLINE FOR ASIAN PEOPLE TO CALL AND REPORT A CRIME, RIGHT.
AND I FEEL THIS IS A GREAT IDEA, BUT I CAN TELL THERE IS NO MONEY
BEHIND THIS PROJECT BECAUSE I TRIED CALLING THE OTHER DAY AND
I SWEAR TO GOD IT WAS LIKE HELLO, THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
PARAES PANYIOL, PRIMA DOINGS.
DUDE, DUDE, I WAS LIKE WHO THE HELL IS THIS FOR.
OKAY.
LIKE CAN I REPORT THIS, THIS IS THE HATE CRIME, I FOUND IT.
I FOUND T ACTUALLY.
LIKE ARE YOU TELLING ME SOMEBODY IS CALLING BEING LIKE OLA.
MIXER LLAMO ANGELA CHANGE, PEOPLE KEEP ASKING ME TO GO BACK
TO MI CASA, NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW.
CRAZY.
I THINK DATING HAS BEEN DIFFICULT OVER THE PANDEMIC
BECAUSE REALLY BECAUSE WE-- I THINK THAT IS WHY A LOT OF
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TRYING A LITTLE BIT OF SEXT.
I WAS TALKING TO A GIRL ON ONE OF THE APPS, THINGS WERE GETTING
KIND OF HOT AND SHE ASKED ME TO STEND HER A NUDE, OKAY, SHE
WANTED TO SEE A NAKED PICTURE OF PIE BODY.
AND OKAY, PLEASE STOP LAUGHING.
THAT'S-- OKAY.
I WAS REVIEWING IT, AND I REALIZED SOMETHING, I REALIZED
THE WAY YOU REVIEW A NUDE IN YOUR 30S, I'M 31 NOW, IS VERY
DIFFERENT THAN IN YOUR 20, IN YOUR 20S YOU TAKE A BODY MAWKING
YOUR BODY CUTE AND-- OR WHATEVER.
BUT I'M 3 1-RBGS LOOKING AT MY NUDE AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS MY
APARTMENT IS A MESS AND-- YEAH.
YEAH, I WAS JUST LIKE CLEANING FOR 45 MINUTES, YOU KNOW.
JUST VACUUMING IN THE NUDE, YOU KNOW.
I WAS CLEANING FOR SO LONG THAT THIS GIRL ACTUALLY TECHED BACK
SHE IS LIKE HEY, JUST CHECKING IN.
SHE FOLLOWED UP LIKE IT'S A WORK EMAIL.
SHE WAS LIKE HEY, JUST CIRCLING BACK ON THIS PENIS PDF.
WE'RE GOING TO NEED THAT FOR THE ALL-HANDS MEETING.
SO IF YOU CAN GET THAT BY EOD THAT WOULD BE AMAZING.
THANK YOU.
BUT I LEARNED SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT DURING THIS
TRANSACTION.
I LEARNED THAT WOMEN IN THEIR 30S WHEN THEY ASK A TBIE FOR THE
NUDE THEY DON'T CARE WHAT THEIR BODY LOOKS LIKE, THEY ARE
ACTUALLY JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT KIND OF APARTMENT YOU
LIVE IN.
YES, TOO T TO MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE TOGETHER, RIGHT.
AND THAT IS WHY I TOOK MY NUDE NEXT TO MY IN UNIT WASHING AND
DRYING MACHINE, YES.
YEAH.
I WAS LIKE IT IS A SAMSUNG, LOOK AT, THAT DON'T LOOK DOWN HERE,
LOOK AT THE BRAND.
IT IS ALL ABOUT SHOWING YOUR ASSETS IN YOUR 30S.
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE I HAVE A BACKYARD, THAT SAY HUGE DEAL IN
NEW YORK CITY SO I TOOK ONE OUT THERE, CHECK OUT MY ABS, ALSO I
GROW MY OWN CHIEFS.
LOOK AT THIS, WOW.
WOW, WOW.
EVERYTHING CHANGES IN YOUR 30S.
LIKE FOR EXAMPLE THINKING ABOUT THE OLDER YOU GET, THE SADDER
YOUR DRUNK TEXTS GET.
YOU HAVE EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THIS.
BECAUSE I REMEMBER IN COLLEGE ALL MY DRUNK TEXTS WERE REALLY
FUN.
I REMEMBER IT WAS ALWAYS LIKE HEY, MEGAN, YOU UP?
BUT LAST NIGHT IT WAS LIKE HEY, MOM, WAS I A GOOD SON?
SO YOU KNOW, NOBODY WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH THAT GUY, YOU
KNOW.
THAT GUY HAS GO TO THERAPY AND IT IS A WHOLE THING, SO ANYWAYS,
I DID CATCH UP ON A LOT OF TV DURING THE QUARANTINE, MY I
FINISHED THIS SERIES CALLED INSECURE, A GREAT SHOW.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT ST ALL YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND FOR THE
JOKE IS IT A POPULAR SHOW AND ONE OF THE THINGS YOU ARE KNOWN
FOR IS A CAST PREDOMINANTLY BLACK AND MINORITY ACTORS SO IF
YOU DON'T WATCH IT, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM.
AND I WAS WITH MY FRIEND AND AS WE WERE SAYING GOOD-BYE, OKAY
SEE YOU LATER FUMI, BY THE WAY, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCH
INSECURE BUT THERE IS THIS REALLY HOT ASIAN TBIE ON THIS
CURRENT SEASON, YOU SHOULD CHECK HIM OUT.
AND I WAS LIKE WHO TAUGHT YOU HOW TO STAY GOOD-BYE, OKAY?
LIKE ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.
LIKE THIS IS THE WAY ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE SOCIAL
SITUATIONS, YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF SHE WENT TO A
QUINSER IN', GOOD-BYE, BE SURE TO WATCH COCO, SO MANY MEXICANS,
THAT IS-- THAT IS LIKE THE RUDEST WAY TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO
ANYBODY, RIGHT, BUT AT THE TIME I WAS VERY SERIOUS, I'M ALL
ABOUT REMTIONZ.
I GET OUT, I TYPE IN ASIAN TBIE, LOOK HE IT GOOGLE IMAGE RESULTS
ONLY SEEING PICTURES OF SKINNY WEIRD ASIAN DUDES WHAT SHAPING
THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS THE HOT GUY SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
GI BACK ONE PAGE, LOOKING ON MY PHONE AND I REALIZE I FORGOT TO
TYPE IN HPO SO I JUST TYPED IN INSECURE ASIAN GUY.
YEAH.
I JUST DID LIKE A GENERAL SEARCH ON THE INTERNET FOR ASIAN DUDES
WITH NO CONFIDENCE, OKAY.
YEAH, I WAS CONFUSED I.
I WAS LIKE WHY IS IT JUST ME ON HERE.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
THANK YOU SO MUCH, MY NAME IS FUMI.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: YOU CAN HEAR MORE ON HIS WEEKLY COMEDY PODCAST
ASIAN NOT ASIAN.
FUMI ABE.
EVERYBODY, WE'LL RIGHT BACK.