“If you had the ability to invent anything to solve any problem,
what would it be?”
This is from Bella.
Okay.
I would invent...
a Roomba –
wait! –
that could suck up all the greenhouse gas.
Why isn’t Roomba just doing that?
Like, you got the tech –
Like you already have the original idea sort of.
These are like – This is like,
Hasan Minhaj’s Bad Ideas, of just like –
Yeah, a Roomba that can –
Cause it’s already the thing, you put, you put the —
the saucer in the sky, and just have it fly around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The same way it flies, like goes around your bedroom
and it bumps into weird shit.
Like it would just do that.
You would just see the Roomba
and you’re like, “Why the fuck...?
The Roomba’s back?”
Like, just go around Earth.
Sometimes it would just hang out too long, you’re like,
“Get the fuck outta here! We already–”
And it’d be like, “Ah, sorry, I’m a Roomba,”
and then it’d just go...
I think it’d be great.
“If you could go back in time and be the lead in any movie,
what would it be?”
Jennie, do you know which one it’d be?
Do you know which one it’d be?
It’d be Home Alone.
You didn’t know this?
How did you not know that?
Of course.
But I think it’d be great.
A cool – because I already know all the lines,
so I’m off book.
And I think another detail –
what I would do is I wouldn’t change the family,
I’d still be Kevin.
I’d just have – I would just have white parents.
And we would never address it!
We would never address it on the show.
So when she sends me upstairs when she’s like,
“Go sleep with Fuller,” –
I’m like, “Fuller’s gonna wet the bed”
we just don’t address any of it.
The whole part – “I made my family disappear.”
“Your white family?”
I’m not even gonna address it!
I think it’d be great.
Changes the whole movie.
Alright, “What 90s trend
do you wish would come back in style?”
This is from Maria.
Is Maria here?
Alright, which– what’s your 90s trend? That you wish –
Glittery hair gel?
You know what trend I would do?
Do you remember JNCO jeans?
I would do JNCOs.
How funny – how hilarious would it be if I came out,
and I came – it’s like [hums the Patriot Act theme]
and I just had some big ass...
And then like, I take off like a flying squirrel.
Just like –
I float in.
“Tonight!”
I asked my parents for them and they were like,
“We are not getting you these pants.”
Fuck.
What would people on the internet say if I legit, like,
next week came out with JNCOs?
What do you think? You think—
they would clown me, right?
Alright, we’re gonna do this actually, Dan.
Zach, you’re here. Okay, so
that’s Zach from digital, you guys.
Alright, Zach.
How do – what, what background do I need to stand –
I’m gonna stand and then just Photoshop me in…
Where do I need to stand, on this side?
Or this one? This weird ass..
This land mass over here.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no. Here, I— I got you.
Here, we’ll do right here.
Does that work?
Yeah, just JNCOs.
I don’t know why in like –
I’m just manspreading while I’m standing.
Alright, fine, fine. Fine, fine.
Does that work?
Okay.
Eddie, did you have JNCOs?
Back in the day?
Aw, dude you’re working.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m bothering you.
You did?
What?!
Dude I’ve lost all respect for you, bro.
You’ve given me, like, major financial advice.
You’ve given me, like, family advice.
You wore JNCOs?
Dude I was doing this as a – ugh.
Eddie, man.
“Do medium distance relationships exist?”
What?
What are the parameters?
Okay, wait.
This is from Gianna. Is Gianna here?
Yeah, like, you’re not, it’s not – you’re asking for a friend.
Okay, what what counts as medium distance?
What’s long distance to you?
Oh.
Well I’ve asked people – Here in the office some people are like,
“If you live in Manhattan,
and you’re dating someone in Brooklyn,
that’s long distance.”
I’m like, “What?”
Is that real?
Fuck.
So like, if you meet the love of your life
and you guys break up or it never happens, you’re like,
“Why’d you guys break up?,”
and you’re like, “De Blasio.”
That’s your – alright.
Fuck. For love?
That’d be really funny if you, like, live in Manhattan
and someone lives in Brooklyn and you’re like,
“You might as well live in Chicago.
It’s the same – it’s the same thing for me.”
Man how many – Isn’t that crazy?
How many love stories is the L train messing up?
It’s messed up, it shouldn’t be called the L train.
It’s the “Not Love Train.”
“What do you think of Lindsay Lohan and MBS hanging out?”
Okay.
This is a great question.
First things first, just so you guys know, it’s— it’s Page Six.
It was on Page Six so that’s not like— we have to qualify that.
Like, yeah, yeah.
We’re one step ahead of, like, National Enquirer.
But,
I was –
it is a little strange that the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia,
Mohammed bin Salman the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia
is hanging out with Lindsay Lohan.
They’re like friends.
Which, okay so, now that this is fresh to you –
No, this is great actually.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, like, to me—
I started going through what
could be going on in the kingdom.
Maybe, in the – in just, in the kingdom he just has ABC Family.
So,
he’s just been watching reruns of Mean Girls
and Freaky Friday.
And he’s like, “That is the movie star.
Who’s that person – I need to hang out with that person.
We need to be friends.”
It’s weird.
You know Lindsay Lohan’s Muslim?
I mean, I don’t know, but it’s..
But I kinda know.
Like I’m joking, not joking.
It’s – it’s a weird trojan horse.
It’s a very strange trojan horse.
I think if we’re gonna have someone join the team –
Cause you know – you know Janet Jackson joined the team,
so you know, what’s up Sister Janet?
But um –
we need, you know – like, I was thinking about this...
I think Tom Hanks is a great candidate!
Don’t you think it would just totally–
people would be like,
“Taimoor Hanks?”
Like, people would just be,
“I don’t know. He’s this –
he’s as American as apple pie.
I guess he converted to Islam.”
Oh, this one’s – Alright, let’s do it, alright.
I mean this one’s really heavy.
“We can all agree these mass shootings are awful.
What do you think is the real root cause?
Is it lack of mental health or lack of vetting gun buyers?
Or both?”
It’s always weird to me.
When we talk about –
you know the common denominator,
and it doesn’t even matter –
We’ve had so many of these terrifying mass shootings.
Whether it’s
what happened in Ohio, or El Paso, or
San Bernadino, or Orlando.
To me the common denominator has always been guns.
And maybe this is just, like,
the logical side of my brain that’s just like,
“I see the, the consistent thing here.
It’s not the video games, it’s not –”
But it’s wild how we always find,
sorta like the easier solution rather than just like –
we gotta go cold turkey on this thing.
I remember I was,
I was like,
I shouldn’t be doing this, but I was trying to go to bed,
and I was just scrolling through Instagram,
and there was this sponsored post
for this app called Calm.
And in the ad,
there was like, a person lying in bed and they were like,
“Are you having trouble falling asleep
because you’re scrolling through social media?
Download Calm and you can do a ten-minute meditation
that’ll help you fall asleep.”
And then I went to the app store and I started downloading Calm
and I’m like, “What the fuck is going on?!”
I know what the variable is. I need to get rid of the phone!
But – they’re like, “No, no, no, no,
download Calm, an app on your phone,
to help you beat your addiction to phones.”
I’m like, “Yeah, that’s right, Calm.”
That’s the way we’re dealing –
that’s like the roundabout logic we’re using with
the gun issue in America.
But I also feel like, you know, Trump calling out
mental health is super disingenuous
especially because he’s slashing Medicaid and
ACA benefits to help you get
mental health coverage, which is just –
That’s not a hot take.
“You know he’s lying, right?”
I’m glad that
we dropped the whole “lone wolf” narrative.
Remember when you watched the news and they’d just be like,
“Twelve lone wolves have done it again.”
Like you sure it’s not a pack of wolves?
“No, these are ten individual wolves
that do not know each other.”
I just had, I was just tired of hearing about all these dudes
that were just coincidentally Team Jacob.
I was sick of it, right?
Now we can finally say it, we’re just like, “Yes,
this is – this is terrorism.
It is white terrorism.”
So,
that to me is actually a step in the right direction.
Let me get to something easy.
Oh, this one’s not easy either.
“What will you teach your daughter
so that she can smash the patriarchy?”
That’s hilarious.
I like,
I like that you used the word smash.
That’s great. That’s a very bro word.
The first thing you gotta do is “fuckin’ smash it, bro.”
Sma— I go up to my daughter,
“Fuckin’ smash the patriarchy.”
Uh, I don’t know.
I think – I think just right now,
that one of the things that we’re doing is, I’m just,
I mean she’s sixteen months but my big thing –
She can’t really understand big words, so
“patriarchy” would be hard. But,
I’m just getting her to just have confidence.
My wife doesn’t like it. But
she’ll go into like Gymboree class and other classes and
she’ll sometimes hit other boys.
And she’ll be like, “Hasan, are you gonna do –”
And I’m like, “Nah, I’m not –”
I think this is, like, prepping her for
what’s – this is a metaphor.
So, I want her to fight, yeah.
[beep] Fuck [beep]. Let ‘em – I can’t.
Alright.
Don’t – don’t put that in the mix, I can’t do that.
Don’t put that in the edit.
Don’t say fuck [beep] because that’s his real name.
Aaaaaand.
And the teacher said she’s not supposed to hit him.
And we’ve talked to the parents and we’ve had a meeting about it.
Hitting is wrong. No one should hit.
Even though
he’s six months older than my daughter and, like,
ten inches taller!
So,
dude, Eddie, if –
she’s like this small, he’s like this big.
I’m like, if Patrick Beverly is owning Kevin Durant
that’s on Durant, you know what I mean?
She’s this big.
Like,
the world’s gonna be a lot harder on [beep].
That’s all I’m saying.
Beena doesn’t like that take.
I know, Jennie, I can’t do that?
Damn, you can’t let – Why can’t I go mask off?
Is it –
is it because then if I do that
then I lose all credibility about all the other things
that I say on this show?
But honestly [beep] deserved it.
I’m not taking that back.