(to tune of "Carol of the Bells" by Wilhousky)
♫ Pants, pants pants pants
♫ Pants, pants pants pants pants
♫ Pants, pants pants--
- [Voiceover] Alright! We get it!
- ♫ Pants pants pants pants pants pants pants, pants.
- [Voiceover] Are you done?
- ♫ Pants, pants pants pants!
(♫ "Whine About It" Theme Song)
- Hey everyone, my name is Matt Bellassai,
and this is "Whine About It",
a weekly video series where I get drunk at my desk
and complain about stuff.
On this week's episode,
"Reasons Wearing Pants is the Absolute Worst".
'Cause the only reason we have to do this
is because society tells us we have to do this,
and if enough of us band together and decide
we don't want to wear pants
when we leave the house anymore,
we won't have to do it.
We can put an end to this, once and for all.
But first, let's drink.
(bouncy music)
Doesn't even affect me anymore.
I'm dead inside. I'm just a vessel.
(bouncy music)
(shudders) Okay.
Alright, first of all, buying pants is
one big, cruel, painful joke.
I haven't spent four years in college
to waste my precious (bleep) time and money
squeezing my sweaty hams into a (bleep) Venus thigh trap.
Trying on pants is basically a (bleep) mind game.
You gotta take off your shoes.
You're hungry. You're confused.
Your face is streaked with dry tears,
and you don't even remember when you started crying.
All to squeeze into a piece of fabric
that measures how much fatter you are
than the last time you tried on pants.
Last time I tried on pants, they had to send in
a fireman to rescue me.
He had to bring in those big scissors
that they use to cut ribbons.
Next, they (bleep) hurt.
'Cause our bodies weren't designed
to be wrapped in (bleep) leg Tupperware.
Do you think cavemen wore pants?
No. They didn't.
'Cause they didn't live in a society
where the man told them to wrap 'em up.
They had to go out and hunt, and kill their own food,
and they didn't get stopped by a piece of fabric
chafing 'em, right in the grundle.
You can't do anything with an itchy, chafed grundle.
Good luck hunting down a mastodon
with an itchy chafed grundle.
That's why cavemen were so successful,
because they didn't have pants holding them back.
That's all pants are. They're just obstacles.
Pants are designed to hold you back
from achieving all your hopes and dreams.
Also, pants are basically just leg furnaces.
They're just tiny body ovens on high heat.
You know what your thighs need? Freedom.
That's what they need. Liberty.
Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.
You think he wore pants? I don't think so.
He wore those tiny little white leggings
that all the men wore then.
And I bet it was liberating as (bleep).
He just walks wherever he wants, flapping around
with his little Thomas Jefferson dick out.
Next, you can't (bleep) spill anything with pants on.
What if I'm eating a delicious, hot, melty
chocolate lava cake with ice cream,
and I spill that shit everywhere, like I do every time.
It's ridiculous that society expects me to wear somethin'
that I'm guaranteed to (bleep) ravage
with steaming hot fudge.
My pants are just a mosaic
of all the mistakes that I've made.
I don't need that kind of documentation in my life.
If I weren't wearing pants,
I'd just scrape all those mistakes away
with my little spoon. I've done it.
I've dropped ice cream right on my hot loin.
I just scrape it off of the spoon. Scrape it right off.
Also, pants are weak.
Do you know how many pants I've ripped right open,
because they couldn't withstand the strength
of my mighty, thunderous thighs? All of them.
Every pant I've ever faced has been destroyed
in the face of my powerful thunders.
I got into a cab once, and bam. Ripped right open.
Right near my chandelier.
Also, everybody who wears pants is the (bleep) worst.
You know who wore pants? Hitler, Stalin,
Randy Jackson from American Idol.
You know who didn't wear pants? Ghandi, the Pope.
They're the most important anti-pants advocate
of our time. Beyonce (bleep) Knowles.
Beyonce doesn't need pants to do shit.
You think Beyonce is gonna let pants stop her
from running the (bleep) world? I don't think so.
And finally, taking off pants at the end of the day
is a (bleep) nightmare scene.
It's like opening up a hot, sweaty ham
that's been sitting in the sun all day,
and watching it slide out of its wet plastic wrapper.
And all this because society is still stuck
in the 18 (bleep) hundreds.
Well guess what? It's 2015.
And we don't have to take it anymore.
So take off your pants, look Barack Obama right in his face
and tell him, "Sir, I don't have to wear pants
"if I don't want to. If I wanna go outside
"with my bare thighs, we can do it!
"Yes we can!"
So take the pledge,
and say no to pants.
Alright, everybody. Thank you for watching this week.
As always, you can find our videos every week
on whineaboutit.tumblr.com
and my page, which is Facebook.com/BuzzfeedMatt.
And that's it, that's everything. Thank you for watching.
(♫ "Whine About It" Theme Song)
(sighs) Oh God. Oh God.
Tell me in a rulebook where it says
I gotta wear pants everyday when I walk into this office.
Tell me that in your laws.
Boom! You just got law schooled.
Legally Blonde. Look it up.