MY NEXT GUEST HAS HER OWN COMEDY CENTRAL SPECIAL AND A NATIONALLY
SYNDICATED RADIO SHOW, PLEASE WELCOME CORY KAHANEY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪
>> THANK YOU!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
IT'S SUCH A PRIVILEGE TO BE HERE.
I LOVE THIS JOB, I LOVE THE JOB BECAUSE I LOVE THE HOURS.
LOOK AT.
THIS I JUST STARTED AND I'M ALMOST DONE.
I LOVE THIS.
I WAS AT A PARTY AND SOMEONE SAID, YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU DO?
I SAID, I'M A COMEDIENNE, AND THEY LOOKED AT ME WITH SHOCK AND
HORROR AND THEY SAID, OH, THAT'S THE HARDEST JOB, I COULD NEVER
DO THAT JOB.
YOU HAVE THE HARDEST JOB.
AND OBVIOUSLY THIS PERSON DOESN'T KNOW I WORK AN HOUR A
NIGHT INCLUDING THE COMMUTE.
(LAUGHTER) TO BE FAIR, IT'S NOT THE HARDEST
JOB.
I MEAN, COSBY'S LAWYER HAS A HARD JOB, RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE) DONALD TRUMPS BARBER HAS A
HARDER JOB.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HILLARY CLINTON'S I.T. GUY HAS A
VERY HARD JOB!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) I HAVE A HUSBAND, HE'S NICE,
PEOPLE LIKE HIM.
WE HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE, I'D SAY WE ARE HAPPILY MARRIED.
I MEAN I KNOW HE'D LIKE TO BE HAVING A LITTLE MORE SEX, BUT
YOU KNOW, IN THIS ECONOMY.ùHE CAN'T AFFORD IT.
AND THAT IS SAD.
SAD.
OH, COME ON, WE'RE ALL PINCHING PENNIES.
I FILLED OUT A CREDIT CARD APPLICATION, AND YOU KNOW WHERE
IT SAYS OTHER INCOME?
I PUT OTHER CREDIT CARDS.
(LAUGHTER) BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NOT ALL BAD NEWS.
I THINK THE LAST EIGHT YEARS HAVE BEEN PRETTY GOOD FOR THE
GAY COMMUNITY, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?
YES?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) AND I THINK THAT'S WONDERFUL.
I HAVE A GAY SISTER, I DO, WHICH HAS BEEN GREAT FOR ME BECAUSE MY
PARENTS HAVE FORGIVEN ME EVERYTHING.
(LAUGHTER) LISTEN, IT'S NICE.
IT'S EASY NOW BUT IT WASN'T SO EASY.
MY SISTER CAME OUT 20 YEARS AGO AND IT WAS VERY HARD.
I REMEMBER MY MOTHER DIDN'T TAKE IT WELL.
SHE WAS, LIKE, OH, WE'LL NEVER DANCE AT HER WEDDING.
AND MY FATHER WAS, LIKE, SHUT UP!
WE JUST SAVED 50-GRAND!
(LAUGHTER) HOW ABOUT GREAT BRITAIN?
GREAT BRITAIN'S SECOND FEMALE PRIME MINISTER, HOW AMAZING,
RIGHT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAT SENDS SUCH A POWERFUL
MESSAGE, DON'T YOU THINK?
THAT A WOMAN HAS JUST A GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING AS A MAN,
ESPECIALLY WHEN NO MEN WANT THAT JOB!
(APPLAUSE) MY SON SAYS TO ME, HE GOES,
MOMMY, ARE WE MEMBERS TO HAVE THE DEMOCRATIC HEART -- ARE WE
MEMBERS OF THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY OR THE REPUBLICAN PARTY?
I SAID, WE ARE MEMBERS OF COSTCO.
(LAUGHTER) YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY EASY TO
BLAME THE 1% IN THIS COUNTRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M GOING TO DEFEND THE 1% FOR JUST A MINUTE, MAY I?
I HAD A GIG THIS YEAR IN HONG KONG, RIGHT, AND THEY FLEW
ME BUSINESS CLASS.
WHEN I WENT TO CHECK IN, THEY WERE OUT OF BUSINESS CLASS SO
THEY UPGRADED ME TO FIRST CLASS.
I SPENT 14 HOURS IN FIRST CLASS.
I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED THAT LEVEL -- NOW, I HAD STEAK,
LOBSTER, CHAMPAGNE.
I UNDERSTAND WHY THE 1% WANTS TO HOLD ON TO THEIR MONEY.
PEOPLE WERE LIKE, CORY, HOUSE OF CHINA?
I WAS, LIKE, THE FLIGHT WAS AMAZING!
NOW THAT I'VE EXPERIENCED THAT LEVEL OF SERVICE, I COULD SEE
MYSELF MAKING SOME (BLEEP) MOVES.
I MEAN, WHAT IF THEY GAVE ME A CHOICE -- CORY, YOU CAN FLY
FIRST CLASS TO AUSTRALIA OR A SMALL AFRICAN VILLAGE COULD HAVE
WATER.
(AUDIENCE REACTS) I WOULD HAVE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
(LAUGHTER) IS IT A TEMPORARY WATER THING?
HAVE THEY NEVER HAD WATER BEFORE, BECAUSE MAYBE THEY
WOULDN'T MISS IT.
HOW ABOUT I SHIP WATER?
I COULD SHIP WATER BECAUSE I GET A GREAT DEAL.
I'M A COSTCO MEMBER.
(LAUGHTER) MY SON IS IN FIFTH GRADE OR, AS
I LIKE TO CALL IT, THE LAST YEAR I'LL BE ABLE TO HELP WITH HIS
HOMEWORK, AND HE IS SO OBSESSED WITH THIS ELECTION, IT'S SO
FUNNY.
HE'S ALWAYS ASKING QUESTIONS.
E SAYS, MOMMY MOMMY, EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DEMOCRAT
AND A REPUBLICAN.
AND THIS WAS THE BEST I COULD COME UP WITH.
I SAID, OKAY, AS I INSIT, A DEMOCRAT IS -- AS I UNDERSTAND
IT, A DEMOCRAT IS LIKE THIS REALLY NICE AUNT WHO PROMISES TO
TAKE YOU TO DISNEY WORLD, BUT THEN SOMETHING ALWAYS COMES UP
AND SHE NEVER COMES THROUGH.
(LAUGHTER) AND A REPUBLICAN IS LIKE THIS
REALLY GRUMPY UNCLE, YEAH, AND HE TELLS YOU HE CAN'T AFFORD
DISNEY WORLD, BUT THEN YOU FIND OUT HE WENT WITHOUT YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) ♪
>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH.