Welcome to
I'm Trevor Noah and we are live, live, live, live, live.
That's right, there's mo room for nistakes. Damn it.
All right, my guest tonight, from
Matt Taibbi's joining us. But first,
let's get right to it, people. The third and final
presidential debate of 2016 just ended in Las Vegas,
and I got say all the prostitutes in Vegas
must have really enjoyed the evening, because, for once,
they got to watch other people screw Americans.
And it was appropriate for the debate to be in Las Vegas,
since this was America's night to let loose.
Let loose before she settles down and makes a commitment
to one person. This was like a bachelorette party,
except the giant novelty dildo was on stage behind a podium.
And... and that was actually the biggest difference
from the last debate, when the candidates
could wander around and creep up on each other, right?
But Hillary wasn't taking any chances tonight.
And, uh, she had a barbed wire fence installed
just in case. She even got Mexico to pay for it.
Kudos, Hillary. Now, if you thought... if you thought
it would be hard to top the craziness of the last debate,
you know, when Trump brought all of Bill Clinton's accusers
as his guests, well, you were wrong.
Because tonight Hillary brought Mark Cuban as her guest,
which, in my opinion, was a poor choice,
considering Trump has shown he has no problem
dealing with Cubans at debates.
Uh, good thing, though, Clinton also brought
all the women who have accused Trump. Yeah.
And those are just the ones that lined up early, folks.
Trump, on-on his side, he did bring a special guest tonight,
as you may know, and we'll get to that a little bit later.
Uh, but that definitely wasn't his first choice,
as we discovered in these newly leaked voice mails.
(beep)
(man impersonating Trump)
It just doesn't work. It didn't work out for him.
And-and when those people didn't work out for Donald Trump,
he decided to take a slightly different route.
REPORTER:
of President Obama. Now, Malik Obama
is a Donald Trump supporter. He's from Kenya but he's also
a U.S. citizen and he says he believes Donald Trump
can make America great again.
Steve Bannon, the manager for Donald Trump's campaign,
or advisor-- he's now saying
that Barack Obama's half brother, uh, Malik Obama,
who is coming to the debate as a guest of the Trump campaign,
is just an appetizer.
What the father are you doing, Donald Trump?
I don't understand-- he brings Obama's half brother
to throw off Hillary? Why?
And then they're like, "This is just the appetizer."
That's the appetizer for the wrong table,
that's what that is.
What, do you think, like, Hillary's looking out,
going, "Oh, no, it's Obama's half brother."
What is that? That doesn't make any sense.
That is so strange.
Malik Obama's not what I'd call an appetizer.
Bad appetizer, went to the wrong table. No one's interested.
I'm sorry, I ordered the, uh, mozzarella sticks
and I got Malik. I wasn't thinking of this.
Although... although it did get a little crazy.
I don't know if you guys saw this in the debates.
When Malik Obama rushed the stage. Yeah, he rushed...
God damn, it was... Uh, it was crazy.
And then, out of nowhere, President Obama came out
and he was like, "Uh, Malik, uh, don't do this.
Uh, this is between me and you."
And then Malik was like, "This ends here, Barack."
And then the lightsabers came out and then...
We all know how it ended, so I'll just move on, I'll move on.
So, say what you want about Trump, he knows
how to orchestrate a spectacle. That's all I'm saying. Uh...
And you know, you know, uh, ri-right... Sorry.
You know right-right before... Sorry. Uh...
You know right... Wow, uh, this is embarrassing.
We're live. Um, sorry, I'm just...
I'm a little distracted. I... I-I just noticed that someone
brought
Is-is that you?
You blew it again, Trevor.
No wonder everyone in the village
started calling you Ebola.
What? They-they call me Ebola? Why?
Because you were terrible in Africa
and you'll never catch on in America.
What an asshole.
I'd hate him if he weren't so handsome.
But anyway, back to the debate.
I get why Trump had to pull out a stunt--
he needed a win tonight, right? And it didn't help
that he had Billy Bush hiding in his podium all night,
pressuring him on what to do.
Billy Bush was in the podium, like,
"Donald, I know one way to end this debate."
Donald was like, "Quiet, Billy."
"Come on, I've got Tic Tacs."
"Not now.
Okay, maybe one, maybe one, just in case."
It was an awkward evening. And from the very beginning,
we saw that Hillary still has no regard
for law enforcement in America.
This time, defying not the FBI,
but the fashion police
by wearing all white after Labor Day.
Lock her up! Lock her up!
In a closet and let her choose another outfit.
She looked fly. I'm messing with her.
But this debate followed a pretty normal cycle
for Trump/Clinton debates, you know?
When the debate started, Trump was calm,
stuck to his positions pretty well.
He even found some new ways of expressing himself.
One of my first acts will be to get all of the drug lords,
all of the bad ones-- we have some bad, bad people
in this country that have to go out. (sniffs)
We're gonna get them out. We're going to secure the border.
And once the border is secured, at a later date,
we'll make a determination as to the rest.
But we have some bad hombres here,
and we're gonna get 'em out.
There are so many things funny in that clip.
The last is one of my favorite. "Bad hombres."
Look at you, Donald Trump, huh, huh?
Connecting with the Hispanic community there.
"They're bad hombres. You see what I did there?
I learned something, folks. Bad homb..."
I feel like... It's like... Are there Mexican people at home
going, "You know, I know Trump thinks we're all criminals
"and rapists, but he said 'hombres.' Yeah.
Maybe we're not so different after all, man"?
And also when Trump was like, "You know,
there's bad drug deal... We're gonna get rid of the bad..."
(sniffs, grunt) "...drug dealers.
The bad ones."
Now...
now, the one downside, the one downside
of subdued Donald for Hillary
was that Chris Wallace got to ask more questions.
And once again, when pressed about the substance
of her leaked e-mails, Hillary defaulted to shifty mode.
You are, uh, very clearly, uh, quoting from WikiLeaks,
and what's really important about WikiLeaks
is that the Russian government
has engaged in espionage against Americans.
They have hacked American, uh, Web sites,
American accounts of private people, of institutions.
Then they have given that information to WikiLeaks.
Yes, you're right, Hillary.
Russia hacked your e-mails and gave your stuff to WikiLeaks,
but now that the information's out there,
you can't just expect us to ignore it by bringing up Russia.
You can't do that. No one else gets away with that.
"Yeah, honey, uh, but how did you find out
"I have stripper glitter on my shirt, huh?
Was it Putin? Huh?!"
Yes, Hillary brought Russia into the conversation.
And if we've learned anything from international relations,
once Russia gets involved in a conflict,
things go from bad to worse.
-Look, Putin, from everything I see, -Wait, wait...
has no respect for this person.
Well, that's because he'd rather have a puppet as president
-of the United States. -No puppet. No puppet.
-And it's pretty clear... -You're the puppet.
-it's pretty clear you won't admit -No, you're the puppet.
that the Russians have engaged in cyber-attacks
against the United States of America.
"No, you're the puppet. You're the puppet."
To be fair, Trump thinks all women are puppets.
That's why he's always trying to stick his hand up them.
-Uh, honestly though, honestly, -(laughter, applause)
I kind of got a glimpse into Trump's mind tonight,
because Donald Trump
why he's losing this election.
The end of last week, they came out with an anemic jobs report.
A terrible jobs report. In fact, I said,
"Is that the last jobs report before the election?
Because if it is, I should win easily." It was so bad.
"Then I said pussy things on the bus,
and everything went downhill."
(chuckling)
(grunts, chuckling)
This is the problem with Donald Trump.
When he gets this angry and passionate,
he lets Hillary destroy him.
And she destroyed him so hard with a calm answer
that really spoke to Americans.
At the last debate, we heard Donald talking
about what he, uh, did to women.
And after that, a number of women have come forward
saying that's exactly what he did to them.
Now, what was his response?
Well, he held a number of big rallies where he said
that he could not possibly have done,
uh, those things to those women
because they were not attractive enough
-for them to be assaulted. -I-I did not say that.
I did not say that.
And he went on to say, "Look at her.
I don't think so."
He attacked the woman reporter
writing the story, called her disgusting,
as he has called a number of women, uh, during this campaign.
Donald thinks belittling women makes him bigger.
He goes after their dignity,
their self-worth.
And I don't think there is a woman anywhere
who doesn't know what that feels like.
Wow.
That was power.
That was an answer that Trump would really need to draw deep
within his dignity and grace to recover from.
And he did not.
You have been warning at re... rallies recently
that this election is rigged
and that Hillary Clinton is in the process
of trying to steal it from you.
Your running mate, Governor Pence, pledged on Sunday
that he and you-- his words--
"will absolutely accept the result of this election."
I want to ask you here on this stage tonight,
do you make the same commitment
that you will absolutely... sir...
that you will absolutely accept the result of this election?
I will look at it at the time.
I'm not looking at anything now. I'll look at it at the time.
I will tell you at the time.
I'll keep you in suspense.
I'm sorry. Keep us in susp...?
Am I the only one who is super freaked out by this?
Am I the only one who is sup...?
Like, this guy just said, he may not accept the election results.
Did Donald Trump just dismiss democracy
like it was dressing on a salad?
"You know what? I'll look at it later.
"Put it on the side. Put it on the side.
Yeah, I'll have it on the side."
What do you mean, you'll keep us in suspense?
Trump's basically gonna run his campaign
like an episode of
only with less black people and less women in power
and a more realistic understanding of politics.
But other than that, exactly like
(laughter, applause)
Am I the only thing who thinks that's horrifying?
That's horrifying, right?
That's horrifying.
You know, every time
Donald thinks things are not going in his direction,
he claims... whatever it is is rigged against him.
He said the FBI was rigged.
He said the Republican primary was rigged.
He claims the court system
and the federal judges rigged against him.
He didn't get an Emmy for his TV program
three years in a row, and he started tweeting
that the Emmys were rigged against him.
Should have gotten it.
-(laughter) -Who is this man?
(applause)
Jesus, is that what Trump's
first order of business is gonna be-- Emmy reform?
-(laughter) -Donald Trump, we've seen your apartment.
The last thing you need is more gold, my friend.
You've got enough.
Look, this debate had so many moments of crazy,
we couldn't possibly process it in the time we've had.
I will say this, though.
That's it.
That's the final time we'll see Donald Trump on the debate stage
before we all refer to him as "Supreme Leader."