And Ellen, I want to tell you this Howie Mandel costume
is amazing.
Incredible.
You're a nut.
It's actually me, Howie.
What?
Yes.
So have you ever seen this game, Andy?
Oh!
I was promised The Ellen Show.
No, no.
I have seen this game, and I love this game,
and I'm ready to--
You want to hear the rules?
Sure.
Why not?
tWitch, tell him the rules.
I got you.
It sounds like you're familiar, but here's how the game works.
Look.
So I'll say a category like Kinds of Fruit or Scary Movies,
and you will have five seconds to name
three things in that category, then hit the buzzer.
Y'all got it?
Aw, I love buzzer hitting.
OK, cool.
You'll take turns doing it.
Howie, you're first.
You ready?
Give me a second.
OK.
Now I am.
Love it.
OK.
All right.
What are three Halloween costumes that
shouldn't have "sexy" attached?
Oh, that's sexy hooker.
[BUZZER BUZZES]
Yeah, because everyone loves an unsexy hooker.
No.
That's bad for business.
But on Halloween, everybody's got the slutty nurse.
Right.
The slutty astronaut, the slutty--
you want to see a hooker that just is, you know--
You know what?
I'm going to just move--
A prude.
I'm going to move on from the hooker talk.
OK.
Andy, what are three outfits Howie would look adorable in?
French maid, pediatrician, and puppy.
[BELL DINGS]
There we go.
First point on the board.
Thank you.
Howie, name three ways you could surprise Andy for his birthday.
I could get you something because I've never
done that, I could buy you a cake,
and I could just say, sapop!
[BUZZER BUZZES]
[BELL DINGS]
I don't know what I--
This is going great.
You're doing great.
You know what?
The thing is, I grew up with the five-second rule.
I wouldn't touch anything after 15 seconds.
I don't like five-second-- you know the five-second rule?
Sure, sure.
You don't eat.
Do you know the five-second rule?
Yeah--
If it's on the floor, you can eat it.
I don't like anything that's five seconds, except sex.
Andy.
Yes?
Name three things you can do on late night
that you can't do on daytime.
You can say the word [BEEP] sometimes.
You can tell dirty jokes and--
[BUZZER BUZZES]
Shoot.
[BELL DINGS]
There's not a lot you can do, besides
say fuck and tell dirty jokes.
What a compelling game this is.
I mean, it's just like neck and neck.
This is-- sometimes on paper, things
seem like better ideas than when you get them out
here on the floor.
I think it's going great.
Right, folks?
Because you're winning.
[CHEERING]
All right.
One point on the board.
I'm going to catch up right now.
I feel it.
Howie, name three excuses to get out of a speeding ticket.
I have to poo, I don't know how to drive, and I'm Howie Mandel.
[BUZZER BUZZES]
[BELL DINGS]
I'm trying.
I can't do it.
I love that your producer looks at me at the end of that,
and he goes, no.
Faster.
Like I don't-- like, do have a look at my face like I
don't get the five-second concept?
I'm trying.
I'm not good at this.
Nobody asked me.
And I'd probably--
He thought he'd be a guest.
I did.
I didn't think I was going to play this.
I'm not good at this speed thing.
OK.
Andy, I'd like to give us three things you say to get--
I'm sorry.
Give us three things to say to yourself in the mirror.
You are so handsome.
You are so ugly.
I love you.
[BELL DINGS]
That's how.
That's it.
Two points on the board.
It's two, zero right now.
OK, I'm going to get one.
I'm going to get one.
I gotta get one.
I'm going to talk faster.
All right.
Here we go.
What are three things you do that embarrass your kids
and grandkids?
Exist, the way I dress, and my jokes.
[BELL DINGS]
One point on the board.
It's a game right now.
Yes.
All right.
Andy, what are three things your kids make fun of you for?
The way I dress, the way I talk, the way I sing.
[BELL DINGS]
Mm.
Three to one.
Yeah.
Name three things you do better than Ellen.
Oh.
I--
[BELL DINGS]
Yeah, well, can we call that as a point?
Can we call that a point, Andy?
Yeah, that'll be a point.
I didn't say them out loud, but one was cheat,
one was to just not care about the game,
and three was press this without an answer,
and I think I said it just by doing--
There we go.
We'll accept that as an answer.
All right.
Here we go.
Howie?
What?
No, I'm sorry.
Andy, give us three things you were better at than Conan.
Better at than Conan.
Having a good sense of self.
[BUZZER BUZZES]
Listen, that's a deep one.
I've talked about it to a therapist with that for hours.
You can't give you five seconds for that one.
I love you can see the people-- the producer going,
this is not working.
This is not-- this is not--
this is not-- this will never be on television.
Name three reasons in five seconds
why this part of the show should air.
Because you guys are funny, tWitch is good,
and contractually we have to deliver seven segments.
[CHEERING]
That's Andy Lassner, ladies and gentlemen.
That's Andy Lassner.
That's a closer.
tWitch, you won.
You won.
And Andy won.
I had nothing to do with it.
I want to thank you for being here, Andy.
Yes, yes.
I'm not a huge fan. tWitch, thank you for hosting.
Of course, of course.
No one leaves The Ellen Show without a prize,
so here's your brand-new toaster oven!
Oh my God!
[CHEERING]
That's all you, bro.
We'll be right back.
Stay right where you are.