- I've done so much work on myself in the last five years.
I quit dating losers, that took a minute.
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you.
There's no rehab for that, only sponsors.
Losers are hard to quit.
Losers are a lot like cigarettes.
You have one in your mouth, you feel pretty cool,
but everyone around you is like, "Ew, we're sad for you."
"Don't do that around my kids."
All my friends are like,
"You need a guy with a car and a job."
And I'm like, "Yeah, but then I gotta deal with his wife.
"Like, it's a whole thing."
And I'm trying to be a better partner too.
I haven't always been a great partner.
I dated one guy on again, off again for four years.
I would dump him, get back together,
dump him, get back together.
I was the girl you couldn't bring home for holidays
'cause what are you gonna say at that point?
Just like, "Mom, dad, this is my lesson
"that I can't seem to learn.
"Don't get attached."
He and I broke up because he cheated on me,
in my head, and I could not-
Sorry, if you love me you wouldn't even do it up here.
Like you wouldn't even put yourself in that situation.
I read too many of those signs he's cheating articles.
Have you read those?
They're all the same.
Just like, "Oh, did he buy you flowers?
"He feels guilty.
"Oh, did he call you babe?
"He doesn't know your name.
"Was he nice to your family?
"He slept with your mom."
I am not a casual dater.
Here's how not casual I am.
I actually got engaged this year.
Nope, didn't work out context clues.
I would've expected better from you front row.
No, it's okay, it's all for the best.
It didn't work out.
Just wasn't the right fit.
But man, I learned a lot about myself
in the process of getting engaged.
First off, I didn't know what a basic bitch I was
who was gonna love being engaged that much.
But something happened with that ring went on my finger,
something in my stupid lady lizard brain went,
"Level completed."
And I just kind of floated through Target like,
"Oh, am I better than everybody?
"What's that?
"No, I don't need help, someone loves me.
"I'll find the towels right after I cancel therapy.
"I'm all fixed."
I wore that ring for two months.
I never got used to it.
It kept getting caught on stuff like sweaters
and my freedom, like, it was cumbersome.
It also just didn't look right on me.
It was a diamond on this.
It looked stupid.
I looked like a rescue dog in a Gucci sweater.
It was so dumb.
I mean, I had a friend who goes,
"Are you afraid you're gonna get mugged?"
I'm like, "Bitch, I look like I stole it.
"Are you serious?"
I knew I was too young to be getting married
because people kept telling me that I was.
I had so many people that were like,
"I got married at 25, don't know if I'd do that again."
I'm like, "Aren't you guys still together?"
They're like, "Yeah."
I just don't like dating apps
because I feel like people curate these really fake
opening lines.
They'll just copy and paste and use on everybody.
I talked to a guy who told me on Tinder,
his opening line no matter who it was,
was, "So do you like sunrises or sunsets?"
That's me choking on his dick, 'cause that's a great line.
I mean that's poetry.
That's a haiku, I think, check my math.
But that line's a Trader Joe's bag, you should reuse it.
I had a guy on OKCupid send me an emoji as an opening line.
Not a cute one.
Not like a heart or a kissy face or even an eggplant,
which is gross but I get it,
he sent me one of these.
You know the one you never touch,
'cause it looks like Pac-Man getting a colonoscopy.
Half of you won't enjoy this joke
'cause you don't know what I'm talking about.
That's how rarely this emoji is used.
And I responded 'cause I was like,
I gotta make sure this guy doesn't hurt anybody.
So I wrote back and I said, "Does this work for you?
"Do people respond 'cause they're confused?
"Are you negging me?
"What's happening here?"
And he goes, "Well, the way a woman responds
"to the emoji tells me a lot about her character."
And I said, "All right, Detective Doucherocket,
"What does my response tell you about my character?"
And he goes, "Well it me you're really transparent,
"honesty's super important to you,
"and you have trouble trusting people."
That emoji works.
So we should get coffee or married, I don't know.
Doctor Doucherocket, I'm sorry.
I do wanna get married,
but I think before you get married,
you have to make sure that you're realistic, okay?
About what love and relationships are and can be.
Not cynical, don't go too far.
I mean, I made the mistake of babysitting
after I broke off my engagement,
and that is not the time to be caring for someone with hope.
I was so nervous.
I'm always nervous to babysit.
I don't wanna ruin her life 'cause that's her parents' job.
And so I just put on a Disney movie and I hid in the kitchen
and I thought we'll get through these four hours together.
Halfway through the Disney movie, this little girl,
she's six years old,
she comes running up to me in the kitchen and she goes,
"Taylor, what does being in love feel like?"
And it's tough, you know?
'Cause how do you even begin to explain love
to a child that young?
How do you even begin to explain romance and courtship?
You know, it's complicated.
There's an app and you gotta download it and swipe.
There's like a whole resume you have to fill out,
take a picture from up here, Facetune it, that's another app.
Okay?
But I didn't wanna lie to her
and I wanted to relate it to something
she would've understood,
something that she would've experienced in her young life.
So I thought about it and I said,
"Being in love is sort of like, okay,
"do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store?
"That was scary, right?
"But then do you remember how you felt
"when you finally found your mom?
"How safe and happy and relieved you were?
"And how you ran up to her and you grabbed her leg
"and then you looked up and it wasn't your mom.
"That's kinda what it's like out here.
"Yeah, you think, you know somebody,
"turns out as just some stranger with your mom's knees.
"Trust to no one, swipe left."
Every guy I've ever dated has told me I have trust issues,
which is something liars say when you're onto 'em.
"You have trust issues, babe."
"You have a hot coworker and a locked phone, so."
I can't help it.
At the beginning of a relationship with a guy
I just assume anything nice he does
is a move he pulls on everybody,
and I'm not gonna fall for your choreography, sir.
I'm like, "Oh, is this, is this your move?
"You open the car door for me on the date,
"this is like your move.
"This is how you do it?
"That's cute.
"Bet that works a lot.
"Oh, is this, is this your move?
"You go with me to my grandpa's funeral,
"hold an umbrella over my head in the rain,
"is that your move?
"This is how you do it.
"Like, 'Oops, don't get wet.'
"Oops, I am.
"Whatever.
"This ain't my first rodeo.
"I used to have two grandpas.
"Oh, is this, is this your move?
"You die next to me in a hospital bed at 86 years old,
"holding my hand for all eternity?
"This is like your move?
"This is how you get pussy?"
He's like, "We've been together for 60 years."
I'm like, "You're a fuckboy and I know it.
"Don't bury me with this guy.
"He's been dying with other people behind my back.
"I can't prove it.
"Check his phone when he uses the bed pan."
And that's why we're in therapy.
A lot of my friends are settling down.
Some of 'em are just settling period, end of sentence.
You guys know those couples?
Everyone knows one couple like that,
where one person in the couple's way hotter
and cooler than the other person in the couple.
I like to call those couples chocolate covered raisins,
because you're like, sure,
you could put those two together if you want.
But every time you see 'em you're like,
"Chocolate what are you doing?
"You could have been with anybody.
"You could have been with caramel.
"You could have been with marshmallow.
"You could have been with peanut butter,
"who I heard cures depression.
"And you wanna be with raisin forever?
"Like, no offense, raisin, you're great, we love you.
"Nature's candy, that's you.
"But you belong with like, oatmeal.
"Like, you know that, right?
"This doesn't feel good, right?
"Aren't you scared every day
"that someone's gonna come along
"and suck chocolate right off of you?"
I love this joke,
'cause I like to feel couples in the audience
looking at each other like, "Am I chocolate or raisin?"
"We're both chocolate, right, babe?
"We're chocolate-covered chocolate.
"We're like those little Lindor guys in the foil.
"You know, I'm the creamy part
"and you're the shell 'cause you're so strong
"and if you leave me, I'll be a mess."
Women are surprised when they find a guy
who can make them cum,
and straight dudes are surprised when they find a girl
who can make them feel genuine feelings in their heart.
Like women are like, "He got me off three times,"
and guys are like, "I mean, I just fucking like her, dude.
"Like we talked all day.
"I didn't want to hit her.
"It was nuts.
"She's just like my friend.
"I don't know, I wanna like lick her heart I think."
Straight dudes are so proud of themselves
for falling in love.
It's really cute.
They're like, "I love you.
"Hell yeah, buddy, I knew you could get there."
Women fall in love, we're like, "I love you.
"Fucking again, you dumb bitch.
"You were supposed to love you first.
"You keep skipping that part!
"It's eat, pray, then love.
"Oh my god, it's okay,
we'll try again in a year and a half."
New relationships are awkward 'cause you gotta tell
a whole new person what you like in bed.
And the only reason you know what you like in bed
is 'cause someone else did it to you first.
But you can't say it like that, right?
You gotta do that cute little tap dance of like,
"Oh, babe, you know what would be so fun,
"this never even occurred to me before,
"you know what your body is inspiring me to do right now?"
But in your head you're just like,
"Do it like Craig.
"Could you just do it how Craig did it every time.
"Craig didn't do shit, right.
"He did that right, let me tell you.
"Can we just call him?
"Could we just call him and ask?
"It's not a big deal.
"We're all adults here.
"Remember we reset the wifi router last month?
"It's just like that, babe,
"he's just a voice on the phone with the password.
"That's all he is to me now.
"No, I did block his number when you asked me to.
"Of course I did.
"But when you block a number your phone
"kind of just saves it in a different folder."
Ooh, some of us are gonna fight in the car.
Not everybody knew that.
You have to be able to talk about what you like in bed,
and you have to know what you can and can't say, all right?
I've been telling guys for years
I like it a little rougher in bed.
I don't say like that.
I say like, "Oh, I'm damaged."
If you're a straight guy, don't say that.
If a straight dude's like, "I'm damaged," fucking run!
That guy wants your toes in a baggy.
Sometimes you think you like something and you don't.
I thought I like dirty talk,
turns out I just like dirty phrases
we agreed upon on earlier.
You ever tell someone you like dirty talk
and then they hit you with something in bed,
and you're like,
"Nah, that was not approved by corporate, no."
I was having sex with guy once,
I was on top and he just went, "Look at you!"