- Hello, lovely people.
- Hi.
- And welcome back to another episode
of "Ask Your Lesbian Mothers."
- Feels like ages since we did the last one.
- It does.
- Time moves very fast but also like very slow with Rupert
'cause like he changes so much week to week.
And then you're like, "What, that was only like last week."
- Yeah, he's currently going through
quite a developmental leap.
- "Quite a developmental."
You say that like every time you talk to camera about him.
"He's going for a developmental leap."
- I do.
- I think the entire year of birth,
like life is like a one massive leap.
- I think that might be humans.
- Tilly is here as well, behind Jessie.
There she is.
- But yes, Rupert is asleep
kind of on the other side of that wall
but not really because there's an inbuilt walk-in wardrobe.
This video is sponsored
by the Pandora Mother's Day campaign,
celebrating mothers and mother figures everywhere,
no matter what type of family you have.
So the way that "Ask Your Lesbian Mothers" works
is that we are here to be the warm,
opening, loving parental figures,
although some of you are older than us, unimportant detail,
to give life advice if we can.
And these are all questions
that came from the community tab.
- So I've got some questions here.
"How do I deal with internalized homophobia?
Following you and Claudia
has been pretty much my first ever example
of a healthy and happy lesbian relationship.
I've never seen it represented
so I can't picture it fully for myself,
and I tend to not see my relationships
as seriously as straight ones."
- Ah, that is fair. The representation trap.
Quite often we see lesbian relationships
represented in media.
One of us has to die.
That's a pretty common trope.
Sort of hoping that my marriage doesn't end up that way.
We get to make it to the end.
A good 60 years in marriage.
- Or we like die together in our sleep.
- That's what I'm hoping for. Yeah, that's our aim.
- Whilst rubbing our cold wrinkly feet together.
- Mm.
Internalized homophobia is a difficult thing to deal with.
It comes from the outside. It does.
We still deal with it a lot.
We deal with people who call us girls.
We're married. We own a house.
We have a baby now. Are we not adults?
"I mean really, girls,
who's going to put up the shelves for you?"
- I mean, to be fair,
we do sometimes get help to get the shelves up.
But not if- - But it's our friend Andrea.
- I was gonna say, normally-
- Who is a lesbian.
- Yeah.
- So homophobia comes from outside
and it's a terrible stain,
but the way to clean it up is from the inside,
which is great because it means it's something
you can actively do.
And I think a great way to start
is by changing up the media that you consume.
Tell you what, I'm gonna link five LGBTQ+ couples
down in the description below who have lovely-
- Couple goals.
- Yeah, couple goals.
Who have beautiful, healthy, happy relationships.
- "Did either of you guys ever date girls secretly
before you were comfortable telling everyone?
Even if you didn't, what are your opinions on it?
I'm currently in a position
where I'm considering asking someone out
and dating secretly,
but I wasn't sure if I should just wait until we graduate
since we live in a very conservative Christian community.
She already knows I like her and she's bi.
If either of us were to be found out,
it could be pretty bad.
I don't think either of us
would be kicked out of our homes or anything, but still."
- Well, I never came out.
Didn't grow up with the expectation
that I would be straight,
and I therefore never had to have a moment
where I was like, "Surprise, guys!"
- No, I didn't date anyone secretly before I came out.
I had some very intense best friends.
I never like thought about dating them
'cause I was actually like,
I guess I had internalized homophobia
and hadn't really accepted it in myself.
- You spent a lot of time quite single
in your figuring yourself out phase
while you were- - Oh, in my early 20s?
- Hiding under the covers, watching "The L Word."
- Oh yeah, I watched "The L word" in secret.
- She dated "The L Word."
- My personal experience
is that I wasn't able to date secretly
because the secret in itself
was too like a big of a barrier to me.
I had to like accept it in myself before I dated someone.
But yeah, our opinion of it. What would you think?
- I would say that whatever you do,
make sure that you're safe.
That is the most important thing.
If you feel like you can express your interest
in this delightful girl-
- I think if it's mutual, you're both in the same situation,
it could be quite liberating even though it's secret.
And actually it could be the the first step you need to take
to get further out with your journey.
- However-
- Yes, do as your mum's saying, make sure you're safe.
Look both ways when you cross the road.
(Jessica laughs)
- [Jessica] This month, we're joining Pandora
and celebrating all types of mothers and mother figures
by putting them at the center
for all that they do and all that they are.
This Mother's Day is so special to us
because it's our first as actual mothers,
and we couldn't be happier to have little Ru in our lives.
Claudia's such an inspiring mother to me
because she's an individual
and she isn't what people think of as typically mumsy,
unlike me, yet she's a completely natural mother
and so incredibly nurturing.
To me, she has this really strong sense of self
that's so far beyond being just a mum,
yet it's this kind of role that she takes to effortlessly.
And FYI, being just a mum is pretty cool.
As you know, Claudia and I have very different styles
and I dress vintage and love to feel like a princess,
which Pandora obviously adds to.
Can't help but love some sparkle.
Whereas Claudia is much more casual,
often seen in jeans and a T-shirt.
I love our differences
and it showcases just how versatile the jewelry is.
This Mother's Day collection
can be worn as part of an everyday look, special occasions.
I mean, if you're like me,
then obviously you're dressed for a ball every day,
so beautiful jewelry's always needed.
These timeless pieces are a great way to say thank you
and share your appreciation for your parental figures.
Family is so much more than blood,
it grows in our hearts too.
These charms are a representation of us as a family
and the unbreakable bond we have with Rupert as his mothers.
Click the link in the description to find out more
about the Pandora's Mother's Day collection
and shop for yourself.
- "I noticed that Claudia
is quite into protecting the environment/gardening,
and I know you've talked about disability
and letting go of guilt about disability needs
that are resource requiring."
- Indeed.
- "Can you talk more about doing what you can
while also maintaining self-respect
and not giving yourself a hard time or fearing the future
if climate change isn't addressed well?"
- We are made to believe that climate change
is something we can affect on a micro level.
"If we just do our part,
then the whole world would be better."
But actually, it's like there are 100 companies
that are creating 75% of the greenhouse gases, so.
But I think the feeling that,
"Oh, this should be an individual issue
that we're each addressing,"
is really quite doubled when you are a disabled person,
because tend, depending on your disability,
to require more resources to live.
That is just how it is. That is just the world.
And no, that doesn't mean
that we're any less worthy of being here,
that we have less right to continue on.
And it also doesn't mean that we should somehow make sure
that there are no disabled people in the future.
That's also not what that means.
But I do think that we could all be doing
our little whatever we can to the best of our abilities.
For me, it's making small changes
in ways that I can do
and trying to feel my best about that.
So for instance, with Rupert, using his nappies,
I really felt that using sort of cloth nappies
wasn't something that I would be able to manage.
We use some wonderful biodegradable disposal nappies,
are made of bamboo, he absolutely loves them,
and they degrade in six months.
Six months, stunning.
- And we put them in biodegradable like bin bags
as well. - Yeah.
- Think we've turned into those very boring couple
that just literally all they talk about is their baby.
- Yeah.
- We, as a consumer, we can choose
to only choose a supplier that uses green energy like we do,
or we only buy free-range meat
or we only buy organic vegetables.
Or we buy biodegradable baby wipes.
You know, these are decisions that we're making
and that's the power we have as consumers.
"How can I encourage friends/family to become educated
on LGBTQ+ matters without it seeming pushy?
And have you gotten any notable comments
people as same-sex parents?
- I mean, I'm still wounded by the,
"Sometimes a baby just needs their mum."
- Oh yeah.
- As I was with my son. Like, thanks.
- I guess then you might think that is pushy
if you sent them like links to things.
- I would invite them to watch,
and guys, please fill the comments
with some suggestions here,
but I would invite them to watch a program
that doesn't have as the main storyline an LGBTQ+ storyline,
generally supposed to be about something else.
But you're not seeming pushy 'cause it's not like,
"Here, I'm sending you 'The L Word.'"
It's, "Hey you should watch this show, seems cool."
Then they come back and they're like,
"Did you know there was a lesbian in it?"
You're like, "Ha, oh?"
- Yeah, or find interesting articles,
relevant stuff that is to do with the community
and how that affects the news or something.
And that's like 'cause it's quite topical sharing.
Right, "In your video about signing to Rupert,
you talked about signing as a form of communication
a baby can handle earlier than speech.
In that video, you seem to indicate that this enabled Rupert
to communicate things he wouldn't have been able to say
had he to rely on speech only.
How's your experience thus far?"
Wow. - Yes. (laughs)
So Rupert is currently nine months old,
but the most obvious word that he can say is probably.
- Mo.
- Which is just more. Repeatedly.
- But yeah, that's still a word
'cause it's when it's used in context,
so when he's asking for more, usually food.
And the first time he did it,
he signed as well to sort of reiterate that's what he said.
Or he meant it, what he meant.
- He looked down at his empty bowl,
looked up at Claudia, and went, "Mo."
- Yeah, and I was like, "Do you want more?"
And he was like, "Mo."
But yeah, no, he can sign a lot of things
that are to do with elimination communication,
which we've been doing since the beginning.
So I wouldn't, we don't use the word potty trained,
but he uses the potty, basically.
- Yeah, we wouldn't say potty trained
because we didn't train him.
- He does this, which is wee-wee.
So before he does it, he's like he does,
and then change like change.
- Yeah, not only that,
his ability to communicate with sign language
means that it's not just the basic, "My nappy is wet."
It's that he can have a conversation with us almost.
You had a conversation with him the other day.
- I mean, it was all about the potty
and what he needed to do on the potty, but yeah.
I mean, he woke up from a nap.
- I do talk to him about other stuff,
I'd just like to say. - I took him to the potty.
I think he can only really communicate
his basic needs to us.
I took him to the potty after he woke up from a nap
because you normally always need to go
after you first wake up.
And he sat on the potty and nothing happened.
And I was just like, "Okay, nevermind."
Went back to the bedroom.
And then halfway through breastfeeding,
he suddenly just stopped and was like.
And I was just like, "Yeah, milk."
'Cause this is milk,
which is kind of similar when he does it,
it's like sometimes he does this.
And he was like, "I need to change, change."
I mean, he doesn't shake his head,
just change, change, change.
And I was like, "Oh, you need a change, wee-wee?"
And I thought, "Really, 'cause we just went to the potty,
But I thought, "Okay, well, he's asking,
so we're gonna follow it through."
That's another thing we always do. We always follow through.
If he says change, we just take him to the potty.
He sat on the potty and then he went like.
And then as he did it, he did a wee,
and I was like, "Oh, you did need a wee.
Okay, great. Okay, finish, we'll get off the potty."
And he was like, "Change, change."
And I was like, "Yeah, we were changing.
We're doing it. We're on the potty."
And then he was like, I tried to like take him off
and he was like (grunts) kind of thing.
And then he was just like (grunts).
And I was like, "Oh, you're doing a poo-poo?"
And then he just did a poo.
And then after the poo, then he did another wee,
and he told me, "I'm doing another wee."
And I was just like, "Okay."
- Thanks for this running commentary on Rupert.
- And then he was like (claps) which means I'm done.
And I was like, "Okay, you're finished?
Great. Let's get off."
I knew what was happening
'cause he narrating the whole way through it.
(both laughing)
But it was quite amazing really.
- And the other evening,
we were having dinner and it started to rain outside,
and then he looked outside and went.
- Yeah.
- Which is rain. Rain.
So yes, sign language is going very well with Rupert.
"Do I still have to come out to my family as bisexual
if I have a boyfriend?
I'm 19 and have had a boyfriend for a year and a half
and I honestly see myself being with him
for the rest of my life,
but I'm debating whether I still need
to come out to my parent.
I'd like to think they'd be accepting, but I'm not sure,
as both sets of grandparents are homophobic
and so are my uncle and brother."
Well, first of all, Amy-
- Stay safe. Is that what you gonna say?
- No. Yes.
Shush. - Your answer
privately kind of coming out. - What, no.
I just have a motherly instinct.
So Amy, second piece of advice then.
You ruined my first one.
Amy, firstly, you phrased the question,
"Do I still need to come out to my family as bisexual
if I have a boyfriend?"
Amy, you don't need to come out to anyone.
It's your own thing.
It's a piece of information about yourself
that you don't have to share with anyone
if it doesn't make you feel comfortable, you don't have to.
And especially if you're unsure about their response to it.
- I think you could basically express your opinion
that you're pro-bisexuality
without coming out as bisexual yourself initially,
to like test the waters.
If you feel that it's a big part of your identity
and that you feel more comfortable with your close family,
i.e. your parents, knowing that part about yourself
to feel more complete
and more honest in your relationship with them,
then you should tell them.
- Obviously, having a boyfriend
doesn't in any way make you less of a bisexual.
And that needs to be made clear to them
because your parents may be a little on the,
"Oh, but you have a boyfriend so this isn't even a thing.
It's nothing. It's nothing."
But this is a part of you, Amy.
And that's clearly important to you
because you've asked us the question.
- Sexuality, like you say,
even though you foresee yourself with your boyfriend
for the rest of your life,
it's not about who you're with, it's about you.
- There can also be a lovely thing after coming out
where you find your relationships with people
are a little easier,
because sometimes, even unconsciously,
they can feel that there's something you are holding back.
- "That's why you like that haircut and those dungarees."
You know? - Sure, that.
- Or like, "Ah, I always wondered
why you had your left ear pierced but no other ear."
You know what, this is the kind of way my dad would think.
"I did wonder why you liked
that really butch leather jacket.
Bit of a style choice."
- So there we go.
I hope we've answered some of your questions.
- Go to bed. It's fricking late and we're really exhausted.
You know, unlike Jessica,
who gets to sleep through the night soundly,
muted to the world,
I have to wake up to a crying baby
who then like sucks on my bosom.
It's been nine months of-
- He does occasionally sleep through the night. (laughs)
I hope we've answered some of your questions.
We're gonna do another follow up
"Ask Your Lesbian Mothers" soon.
Probably not filmed really late.
Thank you again to Pandora for sponsoring this video.
If you'd like to see more from the Mother's Day campaign,
it is available now both in selected stores and online.
So you can go click on the link below in the description
to find out more.
- Goodnight, good luck. We love you.
What's that? - Make up the (indistinct).
- Is it? I dunno, I'm talking rubbish.
- I don't know what that's from, but we'll steal it.
- I don't think it's from anything, darling.
- Oh, okay. From the old brain.
Goodnight, good luck, and we love you.
- Sounds a bit ominous, but hey.
- It does sound ominous when I say it.
Things always sound ominous when I say them.
- Can you just wrap it up?
- Thank you so much for watching.
- Bye.
- Mwah.
(jaunty music)