Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
'Yogar likes young flesh.'
We’re looking Conquest, an Italian sword and sorcery film directed by Lucio Fulci.
‘Very good’
You know where you are with this type of film, magic,
monsters...
naked chick chanting on a mountain.
#chanting#
Good guy, bad guy, heroic quest; we all go home.
‘Hurry up and leave’
Our good guy is Ilius, who is given a magic bow and is now going take a sort of fantasy gap year,
just kicking about Middle Earth for a bit.
'Fare thee well.'
The bad guy, or girl rather, is Ocron, permanently underdressed,
'Let me see, let me see.'
eating the brains of her victims…
and commanding an army of dog-faced minions who sound like an angry Scooby Doo.
'We come to kill your people.'
A dream warns her of a faceless man who will kill her…
or shoot an over ripe tomatoe into her cheast.
and she sends her army out to kill Ilius.
‘I want him and his weapon, go’
who is saved by a stranger, wielding that most indomitable of weapons, the tether-ball.
This is Mace, your typical rogueish ‘I don’t care about anyone but myself’ character.
‘I don’t have any friends’
Although I feel this is taken a bit far…
when he kills a random old man to steal his lunch.
‘Food’
What did the old man do?
‘I’m on the animal’s side’
Ummm…
‘Isn’t this an animal you’re eating?’
‘I didn’t kill him’
an attitude he sticks to…
Until he doesn’t.
‘Let’s go hunt for some food’
Anyway Mace takes Illius back to meet the family and Ilius gets a love interest…
briefly.
The family are killed, Ilius is captured and we learn a bit more about Ocron.
‘Ocron grew the sun, make night and day’
‘That’s not true’
don’t debate religion with the people tying you to a stake, that sort of thing has a really bad history.
Anyway, the dog-men don’t believe in guards so Mace just rescues Illius.
Quiet, we don’t want to wake them.
Now Ocron summons dark demon Zora to help…
could you not have found a less friendly looking dog?
Why have you called me?'
Zora pledges to kill Illius.
‘I shall make him suffer a thousand deaths’
One will be fine, that’s where these plans always go wrong.
Illius sets out to revenge himself on Ocron, the deaths of Mace’s family giving him a purpose he previously lacked.
‘Innocent men, women and children were slaughtered because of us’
While Mace has a more pragmatic approach.
‘Everybody dies, sooner or later’
But as they travel...
‘The birds are flying towards the water’
‘What does it mean?’
It means they’re ducks.
Illius is hit by a poison dart, so back they go to find a cure, Mace braving swamp monsters…
and a doppelganger.
The experience sends Illius homeward.
‘I’m running away, let’s be honest’
But partway he has a change of heart…
'You have already chosen your path my son. the path of courage and sacrifice.''
'No matter what happens, I shall not forget these words.'
and is just in time to save Mace from the squeaking spider web mummies.
I say save,
he’s actually saved by dolphins.
Which I didn’t feel was adequately explained. Anyway…
‘I’ve got something to settle with Ocron’
Are you sure this time? Cos we’ve already walked there once already.
‘Let’s go then’
But Zora hasn’t given up.
And this time.
I’ll be honest, that surprised me.
'Zora, the great slayer of souls.'
However…
‘You have slayed his body but not his soul'
I cut off his head, what more do you want?
Possessed by the spirit of Illius, Mace continues on the quest.
‘Mace I now dwell in your spirit’
and now the magic bow is his.
Ocron retaliates
‘Stop him Zora’
‘Ohhhh’
Again? I did this already.
At the starts Illius isn’t here to kill Ocron,
her dream led to her going after him which triggers the events leading to her death
and I like that Appointment in Samarra irony, however,
Faceless or not, that’s Illius, but it’s Mace who fires the arrow so the dream is wrong,
and even if Mace has Illius’s spirit in him I feel it weakens the whole premise.
‘It’s not good’
Although that’s not saying much, Conquest delivers on monsters…
and fights,
but there’s not enough story to fill Ocron’s spiky panties.
‘Go away’
Thanks for watching. For more 80s action movie reviews click here.
Ilius’s death did surprise me, what movie deaths have caught you off guard?
Let us know in the comments below.