Miscommunication is a daily occurrence.
Oftentimes, we aren’t doing a very good job when it comes to interpreting what people
say or understanding the reasons why they say it.
A common mistake is creating a story around a specific situation, which revolves almost
entirely around ourselves.
As a consequence, we feel insulted, offended, inadequate, angry and resentful.
This phenomenon is called ‘taking things personally’.
In this video, I’d like to share some suggestions on how to stop this.
When we experience an emotional reaction caused by the words of other people, it means that
we feel personally attacked.
Our very essence is threatened.
But, is this really the case?
Well, it probably has more to do with how we look at the world than with the world itself.
A distorted image of the world may come from insecurities and low self-esteem.
When we look at things from a different angle using reason, we might be able to change that
distorted image into something more realistic.
That’s why the first suggestion is...
(1) Changing perspective.
When we make outside events all about us, we close our eyes to different perspectives.
So, the key to getting out of this way of thinking is seeing it from another point of view.
Therefore, it’s essential to realize that the people around us are as human as ourselves.
They also have their insecurities, their biases, their Hintergedanken as the Germans call it,
meaning that they have inner motives that they don’t share with the world.
People aren’t perfect; many are selfish.
And as Carl Jung wrote: “Everyone carries a shadow.”
So, what people say, often says more about themselves, than about us.
Also, in many cases, people act out of a sense of duty.
When it comes to criticism at work, for example, it’s important to realize that it’s not
about us as human beings, but about our performance in the workplace.
If we see the situation from the company’s perspective, we can make it less about us,
and more about the company.
If our performance is truly bad, and we’re better off doing something else, this says
nothing about our value as a human being, which is something that we decide ourselves.
(2) Discerning reality from fiction.
At the end of the day, the views and opinions of other people are not up to us.
What is up to us is how we react to them.
And that’s where it goes wrong very often.
It’s important to make firm discernments between our own thought processes and what’s
truly happening outside of us.
The mind is a trickster.
It can pollute reality by adding its own fantasies in the mix.
In this way, a simple remark from someone could blow up in our minds to the point that
the whole universe is one big conspiracy against us.
Well, that’s a bit egocentric, isn’t it?
Discerning reality from fiction doesn’t mean it requires us to know the ins and outs
of the matter.
In many cases, we’ll never know.
Rather, it’s about being comfortable with ‘not knowing’, instead of creating a fake reality.
A form of mindfulness would be a great way to tackle this because by watching our thoughts
closely we can identify our fantasies and separate them from reality.
(3) Discerning nonsense from truth
This may sound similar to the previous one, but it’s different.
While the previous one is about our thought processes, this one is about what people actually say.
Honestly, many people are just full of s***.
And if they aren’t, well, they’re being truthful.
In both cases, there’s nothing to worry about, and there’s no reason to feel personally attacked.
The idea behind the insult flow chart, for example, is that before we react, we first
assess if the perceived insult is truth or nonsense.
If it’s the truth, well, why would we be upset by the truth?
Moreover, this could be an opportunity for learning.
If it’s nonsense, well, why would we be upset by nonsense?
Or course, it takes time and practice to become more resilient against words.
We’ll probably experience sudden emotional reactions from time to time.
And that’s okay.
It’s human.
Epictetus had some great advice on how to deal with people that criticize you, no matter
if it’s the truth or nonsense.
I quote:
If anyone tells you that such a person speaks ill of you, don’t make excuses about what
is said of you, but answer: “He does not know my other faults, else he would not have
mentioned only these.”
End quote.
Perhaps, Epictetus has taught us the most valuable lesson when it comes to taking things
so personally; the lesson to loosen up, and let things slide.
If we take ourselves less seriously, we’re less likely to feel attacked by what other
people say.
Just look at us, humans, from a cosmic point of view, and we’ll see that we’re probably
less significant than we think.
Thank you for watching.