[♪ AVGN Instrumental theme ♪]
Nerd: "Spider-Man" on the Atari 2600.
Let's pop this sucker in here.
We're playin' with the Atari Wireless Controller.
Pretty nifty, right?
Atari was ahead of their time.
Nerd (VO): So you're just climbin' up the building...
...you're shooting... web, which is, like, black for some reason.
It almost looks like Spider-Man's shootin' out, like, a long turd or somethin'.
And... you can't touch anything, except the yellow parts.
So... Oh! The web didn't reach.
Aw, and I'm fallin'!
But you can save yourself if you just keep shootin' the web.
So anyway, you're just tryin' to get up here.
You can shoot diagonal too, but it's really finicky with the controller.
Aww, FUCK!
Oh, God...!
Oh, shit!
This game is just fuckin' horrible!
Holy shit! It's Spider-Man!
Spider-Kyle: You need some help with this game?
Nerd: I sure do! This shitty-ass fuckin' game is drivin' me nuts!
Spider-Kyle: This game can't be shitty. This is "Spider-Man"!
Nerd: Yeah, it's "Spider-Man", but I'm sorry, Spider-Man, this game really does suck.
Spider-Kyle: You must be doin' somethin' wrong. Let me help you with this game.
Nerd: You'll help me with this game? Spider-Kyle: Absolutely.
Nerd: Oh, gee whiz! Thanks, Spider-Man!
Spider-Kyle: I'll show you how it's done. See, you gotta press the Up... right?
Nerd: Yeah, I got that part.
Spider-Kyle (VO): It's really so easy, it's practically boring in a way.
You could just go up, up, up.
See, I like goin' diagonal because sometimes it gets boring goin' straight.
(rapping) Gettin' to the top, gettin' to the top.
Gettin' to the top. (Spider-Kyle continues rapping)
Spider-Kyle (VO): James likes the little web. Little web, little web, little web, little web, little web, little web.
Nerd: Wha-what is that thing supposed to be? It's-it's like a checkerboard, or like a disco cube or somethin'.
Spider-Kyle: That's the Superbomb.
Nerd: The Superbomb? Spider-Kyle: The Superbomb.
Nerd : Well, there's bombs in the game.
Why can't that bomb look like a bomb?
Spider-Kyle: It's fuckin' Spider-Man! Watch this. Nerd: Yeah, I know.
Nerd : You can't touch the Superbomb.
Spider-Kyle: What, you gotta go around it?
Nerd: Oh, there you go. Oh, watch out! Don't go- He's gonna get'cha! He's gonna get'cha! (Commotion from Spider-Kyle)
Ah...!
Oh, you're fallin', you're fallin'! Oh, my-
(groans)
Nerd: When you let go- You know what's gonna happen when you let go of that button?
You're gonna fall.
Spider-Kyle: All right.
Y'know, this is startin' to piss me off, actually.
Nerd: There ya go, c'mon!
Ah, ya died!
Spider-Kyle: Well, you're talkin' to me!
Fuckload of shit!
This is *your* game!
*Your* game!
Spider-Kyle: SHIT-FUCK!!
FUCK!!
GOD!!
FUCK!!
ARRRRGH!!
[ ♪ Level 1 music from Fester's Quest ♪ ]
THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS!
IT'S HORRIBLE! (smash!)
Nerd: Don't worry, Spider-Man. It's only a game.
Here, have a beer.
Spider-Kyle: I don't want this corporate bullshit...
Nerd: It's Rolling Rock.
Spider-Kyle: It's Shit Rock.
Stick to the local brew.
That's the local brew.
Nerd: Well, we've got another game on the NES, and we're gonna play it in the Top Loader.
Yeah, we're bein' pretty fancy today.
The game's "Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit (Six)".
Spider-Kyle: I'm tryin' to understand the controls here.
Nerd: All right, A punches...
If you tap A, it does like a jump kick...
Oh, you hold the button and it shoots the web.
The control is awful, and the worst thing about tryin' to review a game with bad control is that you can't explain it.
You can only jump straight up.
Unless you- you already push...
Spider-Kyle: Y'know, you're pressin' the wrong buttons.
Nerd: No, I'm not!
Look, I can't even hit this guy!
Nerd: Oh, look at this! Spider-Kyle: Get him!
Why are you fuckin' jerkin' around?
Nerd: Even when I'm falling, I can't steer myself.
Spider-Kyle: Why are you jumpin' all over the place?
Nerd: Because everytime I hit the button, it, like, jumps.
Spider-Kyle: Well, wait for him (Electro) to come to you.
Nerd: There's no, like, jump kick move. Like, you can't jump, and then do an attack.
Spider-Kyle: Well then, don't do that move!
Nerd: Well, he- I can't hit him when he's in the air!
Spider-Kyle: Well, wait for him to come down, then!
Nerd: Look, no- NOW what's he doing?! He's not gonna come up!
I can't even tell if I'm hitting him!
Spider-Kyle: Oh, you got him! Nerd: Did I?
Spider-Kyle: The power bar went down, but you're fuckin' go- gonna die way before he does.
Nerd : C'mon, dammit!
Spider-Kyle : Just wait. Patience. There's no fuckin' clock in this game.
Spider-Kyle: There's only 20 of 'em... in the background.
Nerd: Thank fuckin' Lord!
Spider-Kyle: All right...
Nerd: Look, see? You can't even kill that one guy.
Spider-Kyle: But is it necessary to kill 'em in all honesty?
D'we have to kill everybody we see?
Spider-Kyle: I'm the Nerd.
I'm the Nerd. Look how I play. I go back and forth.
This is what the Nerd does. He just goes back and forth.
And this level is fuckin' annoyin' me.
There's nuthin' up there, so you go down, and you go down. Then you... kill somethin' and then fuckin' go down.
You go down, and you can't go that way, so you... so you go up.
All right, goddammit!
There's nuthin' over here. What the fuck's the point of this?
All right you know what? This- this game is a piece of shit. I dunno what the fuck I'm doin', I dunno where the fuck I'm goin', I can't... get up here!
Do it, dammit!
Nerd: Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump!
Nerd and Spider-Kyle: IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT!!
Spider-Kyle: IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRAP!
[♪ New Junk City from Earthworm Jim by Tommy Tallarico (Sega Genesis version) ♪]
(crash!)
Nerd: All right, we've got another game on the Game Boy.
To play the Game Boy, you need the game.
Here's the game, that's the boy, this is the Game Boy.
The game is "The Amazing Spider-Man", and believe it or not, the control is even worse.
The punch is delayed. Like, a full second later.
And that was the web?
That's ridiculous!
Nerd: How do I get up? Spider-Kyle (VO): Jump! Jump!
(commotion from Spider-Kyle) Nerd: I AM jumping! Look, look! It won't...
Spider-Kyle: You fuckin' look retarded.
See, now you're bein' Spider-Man.
Shit.
All right, now you're fuckin' bein' dead.
Nerd: Look at this, there's just all this fallin' rock crap on me.
Wow, there's a suicide button in the game!
Spider-Kyle: Well, whaddya expect? You're fuckin' jumpin' while you're tryin' to hang onto a building.
Nerd: I can't climb up here!
Spider-Kyle: Go IN!
Nerd: I'm tryin'! Spider-Kyle: Jump! Ya halfta jump it.
Nerd: Oh, okay. So that's what the jump button is for.
Okay, you're pretty much dependent on the web to get over some of these jumps.
But how do ya do the web? I dunno, the control just does whatever the fuck it wants!
Look at that! Holy shit!
Oh, my God! I can't- I tried to jump, I swear!
This is god-awful. This is ASS!
Spider-Kyle: Lemme try the game out.
Nerd: Knock yourself out.
Whaddya doin' on my fuckin' ceiling?
Spider-Kyle: Okay, I agree, the control is a little delayed, but- oh!
And then you fuckin' just, like, do this.
Nerd: Wha- what're ya gonna do there? Spider-Kyle: I dunno.
Spider-Kyle: Goddammit!
Argh!
All right, this guy's fuckin' impossible.
Get over here, ya fuckin' sunuvabitch!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?!
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOIN'!
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUTTA ME AND IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT!
IT'S HORRIBLE!
(shatter!)
Nerd: One more game. "Spider-Man 2" on the Game Boy Advance. Well, I'm playin' it on my DS to be exact.
All right, well this is the first level of the game, and you gotta deliver pizzas.
Spider-Kyle: They put that in a video game?
Nerd: Well, that's pretty weird, yeah. I mean, you delivered pizzas before, though. Right?
Spider-Kyle: No, I mean- no, I never did that.
Nerd: Yea- yeah, you did in the movie "Spider-Man 2".
Spider-Kyle: I DID THAT at one point, but I don't want people fuckin' knowin' about that.
Nerd: Did you ever have to break a window to deliver a pizza?
Spider-Kyle (VO): Not on *purpose*. But for them to put that in a game... it's- it's insulting. And it's-
Nerd: Well yeah, I agree.
Spider-Kyle: I'm a superhero. I shouldn't be known as a... pizza delivery man.
Nerd: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
Spider-Kyle: I'm gonna fuckin' shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!
[♪ Spider-Man theme parody by Kyle Justin ♪]
♪ Spider-Man, Spider-Man ♪
♪ Takes a dump in a coffee can ♪
♪ Plays some games with a grudge ♪
♪ Gonna shit out some anal fudge ♪
♪ Look out, here comes some shitty games! ♪
♪ Alcohol is his power source ♪
♪ Takes a piss like a drunken horse ♪
♪ Climbs a wall, then he falls ♪
♪ This game sucks his Spider-Balls ♪
♪ Oh, no! He's playing the shitty games! ♪
♪ When he plays his games, he feels so ashamed ♪
♪ He shoots web from his wrist, but now Spider-Man's fuckin'... pissed ♪
♪ Angry Nerd, Angry Nerd ♪
♪ Rather suck on a frozen turd ♪
♪ Or eat some crap from a moose ♪
♪ Gonna chug down some poopy juice ♪
♪ These games are such a great big fuck-up ♪
♪ They make you wanna throw up ♪
♪ All over Spider... Maaaaaan... ♪