My mother,
She knelt down.
Asking, 'please save her'..
When I'm on the street,
Someone would hit my leg
Or punch my head from behind.
I still remember that face.
It started
When I was five
My mom saw the swelling here,
"What's this?"
She thought.
So, we went to see a doctor nearby,
(Doctor saying) "What's this?"
He said.
So we went to a bigger hospital,
"What's this?!"
They couldn't find out. What it is.
So we went through every kind of tests. Every kind.
We had to sell our house for those tests.
(Doctors) couldn't find what it is after all.
They wanted me to stand in the conference. Professors.
Then... That's what made my mom
furious.
After you made my daughter go through every single test available,
You still don't know what it is
"And, now you want her to be your research project. Huh?"
After, she ran out of that hospital,
Here and there
She took me to every single other hospital but,
"Sorry."
"We can't find what it is."
"We don't even know how to call this disease."
Are what she got.
Well, it's something I do not want to remember..
My mom,
She knelt down.
Asking "Please save her..."
Please, a minute.
"Then,"
"Your daughter might be in danger of losing her life."
"You still want to try?", they asked.
So, my mom urged me
To give it a try.
So, I said, "I will do it."
That was the first operating table
For me.
For about 9 hours.
After the surgery, I went to the recovery room
My face turned all blue and pale they say.
Actually, it was my finger vessels.
They were all cut out.
So, I went to the operating room again
It took 10, 11 hours.
After getting back from the surgery,
I could find my beautiful little hand,
Not a huge, thigh-sized hand any longer.
"Wow. I could get to live like normal people"
But it didn't take long
For me to find out ...
My arm swelling back again.
That's when doctors found out how to call it.
"Unspecified Peripheral Vascular Teratosis"
Is what I have.
Tumors are attached to the intricate vessels.
So if you remove it, keep removing that
In the end,
"You will lose your arm."
"Cut your arm. Cut it."
For 16 years
I've heard that story.
I think that's the time when
Children started
to make fun of me.
They kept calling me
"Hey, Popeye! Popeye!"
Yeah..
When I'm on the street,
Someone would hit my leg
Or punch my head from behind.
I...
I still remember
Her face.
She did it for almost a month.
I couldn't do anything else
Except crying.
But I never said it hurt.
Even to my family.
Coming from school, "I'm home."
"Anything happened?", they would ask
"Nope! Nothing really".
But, in school,
I would go backyard crying,
Not getting along with friends,
That was a mistake.
Not saying it aloud
Makes it rotting inside
Finally, it makes you break down.
If you are tired and weary
From any disease or sickness,
Please shout it out.
Say you're hurt..
You're exhausted..
Then, someone would hear you out.
I believe that.
Even a stray cat
May find you.
There are good people in this world.
I have met some great friends in my life.
Those friends comforted me.
They would fight for me.
Then,
I guess it was in 8th grade?
Let's show it to them.
Then, I would reveal my arm to them like this.
Well, those bullies were
Not coming to me anymore.
It might have disgusted them even worse or
They felt guilty about it but
After that
More than anyone
I got along well with friends
And in high school,
I tried to be just like anybody else.
Teachers would give me privileges,
"Yeonbitnara, You're exempt."
Then, "Nope. I will stay". Even when getting punished.
Lifting a chair was the punishment, then, I would lift it with my one hand.
Turning 20,
What I really wanted to do was
'acting'.
After studying hard for 2 years,
I met some bad mentors saying
"You will fail."
"You know better."
"The disabled can't make it"
They made the final call.. so sure ..
After I heard that from whom I trusted,
"Okay. I won't make it, then."
I lost my way in my 20s.
Blaming others,
"Why am I born like this"
"I am doomed to be sick every day"
"I am destined to be depressed every day"
Such thoughts came to my mind continuously.
Then, one day,
I saw a documentary on orphans on TV.
"Ah..."
"I'm such a bad person."
Those bad people made me become another bad person.
That's what happened.
Let's stop blaming others.
Being depressed and powerless
Was me making myself like that.
I needed to head home again
To see my family
To see my mom,
To see my dad,
That's how I found back myself.
So, I studied.
There's a Chinese character book,
I worked on memorizing at least one letter.
I loved J-drama shows.
I kept reading Japanese books.
It might sound like a show-off :)
I can speak in Japanese with natives freely.
Then,
"How could I ever GIVE UP!"
Telling myself,
At Daehakro
I went to
A drama theater company,
And they accepted me.
Working at the company for 1 year,
I practiced acting and
Finishing one play,
I went to another place
To learn musical planning.
That's how I spent my one and half year.
Learning plays and musicals.
Based on that experience, currently
I'm teaching musicals and acting to kids.
I need to take
Narcotic painkillers every day,
There's no treatment plan for me.
My incision part actually
Started to swell back a little.
I mean...
I might need to ..
Live like this forever.
Yes, I am a woman.
I would like to try pretty dress,
Date a good guy.
But
Well, those are my wishes.
Still, looks matter, you know.
So,
rather than
I think "Let's love"
After meeting someone,
Instead,
When I see
A grandma who can't hold her bags,
I would carry that bag with her,
Push someone's stroller together
Let's enjoy that happiness instead, I tell myself.
Then,
In that small happiness,
I'm hurt but
With my help,
The mother of that baby would have found it more comfortable?
I live with that thought.
I wouldn't help someone
Expecting that would
Be rewarded back but
Just like it returned to me,
When I focus on teaching children
To act and to sing better,
And when their performances go super well,
"Teacher, please let's do this next year, again!"
Then, I realize,
"Right"
"I can live on like this"
"There's something I can do"
And, children who I taught last year
Would still come visit me, saying they miss me.
"We miss you."
I am content. Now, I am.
Well, it is
Successful and happy enough for me but
What I really wanted to do was
acting.
I assume there are many who have disabilities
And still want to become actors and actresses just like myself.
I really hope
Many people would help
These people to pursue their dreams.
So that they could take a step by step.
We are human beings.
Even with disabilities.
So by each step, if we take that step,
We can achieve that dream.
I would like to show that myself.
And I wish many people would help.
So that they could do better.
Thank you.
Kim, Yeonbitnara Caligraph
Currently, Ms. Kim, Yeonbitnara teaches calligraphy, acting and musicals at school.
She tells us. "I will not hide."
"I'm an ordinary woman living a normal life just like anybody else."
"I hope those who turned their backs against the world would find courage from my life."
"Everything will be alright" - Kim, Yeonbitara