Alright, since it seems like everyone does a video on their first job,
I might as well do one on mine!
And that job was being a cook at my local pizza restaurant.
I was a pizza-making machine!
I had my little hat.
My little smock.
And my little name tag, that had the wrong name on it.
Now, I told my boss that my name wasn't Javier, and I wasn't the least bit Hispanic...
But he didn't care! So I was Javier for the two years that I worked there.
Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was pretty good at my job!
I was fast, efficient, and I made some pretty sexy pizzas, I must say.
"I don't know what it is, Martha, but I think I wanna have relations with this pizza!"
Now, during the afternoon it was pretty boring, we didn't have a lot of orders.
So all I had to worry about was the 'All-U-Can-Eat Buffet'!
And since I'm lazy as hell, I'd usually just make cheese pizzas for everybody to eat.
"Uhm, can we have a little variety here? I'm sick of just having cheese pizza."
"You will eat what I give you to eat, I am the Pizza Lord!"
"If you want to make requests, you can take your happy ass to the register
and order your own goddamn pizza!"
Sometimes this old guy would come in, and since we serve beer at this pizza place,
he'd get all drunk and I'd have to kick him out.
"Sir, we're gonna have to cut you off."
"Well, why the hell do you got to do that?!"
"Uhm, because you had 9 Michelob Ultras at 2 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, that's why!"
But things always started to pick up around dinner time.
All of a sudden, I would be up to my asshole in orders.
And this would be the time a second cook would come in, and his name was AJ.
And let me tell you about AJ, he was nothing like me!
He was NOT fast!
He WASN'T efficient!
And he sure as hell didn't make any sexy pizzas!
"Jesus, Martha, what a fugly pizza!"
"I'd have to be drunk as hell to have relations with this thing!"
"Hey, I'm drunk as hell, I'll fornicate with that pizza!"
AJ was so bad at his job, that I just refused to call him by his real name.
"I'm not calling you AJ anymore, you hear me?!"
"Until you stop sucking ass in making pizzas, your name is gonna be Debbie!"
"Debbie!? Why do I have to have a girl name?"
"Because you make pizzas like a slut, that's why!"
"And I can't think of a sluttier name, than Debbie!"
"So get back to work, Debbie!"
So there we were. Javier and Deborah.
The Batman and Robin of making pizzas.
I mean, I was the one making pizzas, really.
Half the time Debbie wouldn't even help me out.
He'd be in the break room with his thumb up his ass, not doing a damn thing.
Well, that's wasn't a very nice thing to do.
So when he wasn't looking, I'd pour a bunch of olive juice into Debbie's Dr.Pepper.
Because that's what you get, when you're a bad co-worker!
"Ah, why does my drink taste like a dog's asshole?!"
"You can kiss my ass, Dr.Pepper!"
Now, since Debbie was worthless and pretty much a piece of furniture in the kitchen,
I'd make him handle all the phone calls!
"Hello, this is Debbie, will this be for pick-up or delivery?"
(Slap!)
"What happened? Did you order the pizza?"
"No, some weird transvestite named Debbie answered the phone and I got uncomfortable."
And it was probably a good thing that he handled most of the customers.
Because when you're getting slammed with orders in a 110°F kitchen,
you tend not to be in the greatest mood.
"I don't care, how many books you read, you little shit!
You're not getting a free personal pan pizza!"
Because of top of everything else,
you had to deal with people, complaining about their food here and there.
"Oh yeah, excuse me, why the hell are all my pepperonis are different circumference?!"
"What kind of pizza place are you running here?!"
And then you'd have to deal with the people, making dumb-ass special requests for their pizza.
"Could you just put olives on 3/8 of the pizza?"
"Yeah, can you spell out 'Sorry I ruined Christmas' in pepperonis?"
"It's for my ex-wife!"
"Could you like, I don't know...
fold up the pizza like a paper airplane and fly it into my mouth?"
But the worst would be the people, that would come in at the very last minute!
"Hey, what time do you guys close?"
"Uh, we close in exactly 37 seconds!"
"Oh, we're just in time!"
"Uhm, we wanna buy a pizza the size of a baby pool!"
Now, one time in particular this couple came to dine
in literally, two minutes before we close the doors.
I had just cleaned the kitchen, my apron's off.
Javier is ready to go home!
All of a sudden, here comes Debbie,
"Hey, two people just walked in, they want to get a pizza!"
And my response to that was something along the lines of,
"Yeah, well those two people can eat my ass, how about that?!"
And that was pretty typical.
Debbie's probably heard me say that, I don't know, a million times.
But what's not typical, is that the customers heard me say that from the kitchen!
"How dare he be rude as hell to us, when we're trying to be rude as hell to him!?"
So not only did these people get a pizza,
but they got it for free, because I didn't want to get fired!
(Chuckles)
"That.. that was just a little joke. My ass isn't even on the menu!"
"Yeah, but if you guys wanna try something that does taste like ass,
you should try a Dr.Pepper!"
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