-Now, John... -Sir.
-I don't know if you've heard about this,
but technology is so crazy now.
Apparently, there's these apps like DoorDash and Uber Eats,
where you can get McDonald's delivered right to your door.
-That's ridiculous. -It's preposterous.
-Mystifying. -It's stupefying.
-It's just plain nuts!
-And, you know, things like this really get me to thinking.
-Yep. [ Groans ]
-We're getting older, and sometimes we look around
and don't even recognize the world we're living in.
[ Laughter ]
Things are changing every day,
and, well, not always for the better.
And sometimes it's time to take a moment,
just one moment...
-[ Grunts ] [ Laughter ]
-...to talk about how things were just a bit more simple
back in my day. -[ Sighs heavily ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Both grunting ]
♪♪
-Back in my day, you couldn't order McDonald's
with food delivery apps like Uber Eats.
Back in my day, if you saw a Big Mac in an Uber,
it was because it was 4:00 a.m. and you were throwing it up.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, we didn't have an R-rated "Joker" movie.
Chucklebucks.
Back in my day, if you wanted to see a clown say the "F" word,
you had to hire one for your kid's birthday party.
And when the clown asked you to pay him,
you kicked him right in the nuts.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, people weren't obsessing
over Popeyes' new chicken sandwich.
Cluckfeathers!
They were obsessing over Popeye's girlfriend,
who was just as spicy, with equally delicious buns.
[ Laughter ]
Her name was Olive Oyl.
She was a tall drink of water.
Incidentally, a tall drink of water
isn't available at Popeyes,
because that is less than 2,000 calories.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day,
Spider-Man wasn't getting kicked out of the Marvel movies.
I was!
For standing up in the theater and yelling,
"How come when he Hulks out, his shorts stay on?
[ Laughter ]
Show us that green wang!"
[ Laughter ]
I have to admit --
[ Applause ]
I have to admit, I made a scene.
But you have to admit,
I made my point.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, people weren't going blind
from eating too much junk food.
No, sir.
Back in my day, if you wanted to go blind,
you had to do something else with your junk.
[ Dog barking ]
Well, of course I'd rather be alone, Rusty.
But you never leave the house.
[ Dog barking ]
-Back in my day, Disney didn't have its own streaming service
that you could watch whenever you wanted.
Back in my day, if you wanted to watch "The Little Mermaid"
in the middle of the night,
you had to sneak out of your bedroom
and pull out that old VHS tape
that you never returned to Blockbuster.
And you keep the volume real low.
And when you cried at the end,
and your wife shouted, "What are you doing down there?
What are you watching?"
you'd yell, "Porn!"
[ Laughter ]
Because that was less embarrassing.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, we didn't have
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson overseeing Brexit.
Tea-crumpets! [ Laughter ]
Back in my day, it was British Prime Minister Theresa May
who was overseeing Brexit.
One thing remains as true now as it did then,
it's a [bleep] show.
Or, as the British like to say,
a [bleep] show.
-Back in my day, Matthew McConaughey wasn't
becoming a professor at the University of Texas.
No, back then,
if you saw Matthew McConaughey walking around a college campus,
it only meant one thing.
Someone nearby had some good-ass mushrooms.
[ Laughter ]
-Back in my day, we didn't have e-cigarettes
and fancy fruit flavors.
No, sir, back in my day, we just had cigarettes.
And they only came in two flavors -- menthol and bad.
-But back then, you didn't even care
because you were addicted to the nicotine,
and you looked like a total badass.
'Course, back then,
I wasn't John Goodman.
I was a John Badboy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Well, I'm sorry we had to say all that,
but sometimes these two grumpy gramps have got to gripe.
This has been "Back In My Day."