We've got 3 specific steps for you to implement today on how to deal with a
rude disrespectful child. -Wow, dealing with a rude disrespectful child. What a
challenge. That is so hard. It just kind of... It sets things off inside you really
fast. -That's something that triggers parents more than anything. -Yeah, yep. So,
the very first thing maintaining respect yourself. This is a challenge. When
someone's being disrespectful to you, especially someone younger, it is really
challenging. So, we've got to find ways that we can maintain respect ourselves.
We've talked about it quite a few times about that. Becoming very aware of your
own... The way you show up in your own body. So, with your face, is it calm.
Are you reflecting back anger? Are your eyebrows calm? Is your voice calm? -You
know Vicki as you introduced this idea of maintaining a respectful demeanor
yourself. Because that's how you're going to model up for your kids, obviously. I
remember this group that I was working with. It was in a facility for juvenile
delinquents, okay? So, these are all kids... -who practise disrespect. -Some of a been
rude and disrespectful in a lot of ways. And each of them had their own story.
But I remember sitting in a group with a bunch of kids who had been involved with
gang activity. That's the context. And these are kind of tough kids. And I
remember this kid sitting over in the corner and he's leaning back in his
chair and we were talking about respect. And he said, "Oh, I respect those who
respect me." And he's all tough about it and stuff. And I'm thinking, "How hard is
that?" To respect someone who respects you? Wow. -There's no challenge there. -I am so
impressed. No. We're talking about being respectful because of who you are. Not
because of how you're being treated. So, we've got to be really careful about
allowing the disrespectful behavior of our children to trigger us into the same
thing. We're going to be respectful no matter what. And remember your job is to love
them no matter what and even if. Even if they're disrespectful? -Yeah. -Maybe
especially then because that's when it becomes the most challenging. -And
remember that loving them does not imply that you remove all consequences.
Absolutely not that implies that you are going to put those consequences in.
So, that's part of how it's easier to get back to the place where you can show
respect is to remember that you've got to distance yourself a little bit from
the consequences, the behavior and the child. -Right. So, that you show up is that
respectful, loving, benevolent, kind generous parent that you are. That is who
you are. Show up that way. Let's model it for the kids. That's the first step. For
the second step that we get to implement, I'm a really big advocate of giving
people the tools and the resources that they need to do their job. Your job as a
parent is to love them no matter what and even if. We've also shared with you
3 stages. And remember, we've talked about stage, not age in other videos.
There's one called teaching children responsibility where you can pick up
those 3 stages. Or if you're in our Parenting Power-Up audio program. That's
where we go into it in detail. I think that it's good to teach those 3
stages to your kids. -Yeah. You know, a lot of times people think, "What? Talk to them
about it?" Yeah. -Yes. -This brings me up a situation in school where I was
working with a young girl that has some trouble with her behavior towards other
kids. She often engages and we use instead of bad behavior, I don't use those words.
I use expected... Expected and unexpected behavior. And we were
talking about how... you know, unexpected behavior often... Other kids kind of treat
you a little bit weird. They think you're kind of weird or they
might treat you weird if you have a lot of unexpected behavior. So, we talked
about what she wanted and what kind of behavior would drive the situation so
that she could get the results she was looking for. And then we had to talk
through how she had to show a little bit more expected behavior
so people would trust her so that she could then get more friends at recess.
That's what she wanted, is somebody play with her at recess. So, we explained to
kids the different stages and helped them see that that the consequences that
you get are related to the stage that you're acting on. And so, go ahead and
teach them the stage and what they get, what kind of consequences follow those
--the behavior in that stage. -Think about how benevolent and generous this is for
you as a parent to actually teach your kids the 3 stages. This is our second
step. Teach them the 3 stages because that's how they're going to get what
they want. And if you don't teach it to them,
the world will. The world's not going to give them what they want just because
they demand it or because they're rude or disrespectful. They need to understand
that that kind of behavior will actually restrict their choices and their freedom.
This is how the world works. So, really you're doing them a big service by
teaching them the same thing that we're sharing with you here on the channel. And
if you're not sure how to teach your kids that, remember the resources that I
mentioned that we've got the Parenting Power-Up which you can connect to. You've
got coaching available and other services that we're providing. But
there's also other videos here on the channel. I'm thinking of 2 in
particular. How to convince your parents to get you a dog. And that's where I show
you how I would teach kids this principle. And don't be too deceived by
the title. It's really helping kids to get what they want through appropriate
behavior based on those stages of moral development. The other one is how to
convince your parents to get you a phone. You can find those right here on the
channel. So, if you're wondering about how to actually teach your kids the 3
stages, tune into those videos and I'll help you teach your kids those 3
stages. Let's make sure that they know. -Once they know the stages, you're going
to really hone in when they're being disrespectful on the behavior. And you're
going to separate that --your emotions from the behavior
and you're going to apply the appropriate consequence according to the
behavior. Not your expectation of respect. -Right. So, this separation that we're
talking about is probably one of the biggest pitfalls we run into as parents.
Because we allow their behavior to determine our mood. And really, are you
okay with your kid controlling your mood? Let's reclaim that. And in separating the
emotion from the discipline, they have to connect a little more cognitively with
the impact of their own behavior and maturity on their level of freedom. And
that's why we've put this in a step number 3 that we wanted to be able
to implement. Separate the emotion from the discipline. Focus on the behavior
with appropriate consequences for that behavior. And then as you model like we
talked about in stage 1, a respectful approach, that's where they're going to
learn some of the skills that they need to be less rude and disrespectful. And to
bring their behavior back into alignment. We also did another video about how to
deal with a difficult teenager. You might want to cue that one up to watch next.
There's a lot of resources we mentioned some of those during the video. Great
place to start is to pick up a free copy of my book, Pathological Positivity.
Go to DrPaulJenkins.com. Click the big orange button. All you do is pay
the shipping and we'll get that into your hands. That also is a great starting
point for positive parenting.