WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME TO
"THE TONIGHT SHOW."
YOU'RE HERE.
YOU MADE IT.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, GUYS, WE'RE NOW INTO DAY
TWO OF INDICTMENT WATCH 2023.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, EVERYONE'S STILL WAITING
TO SEE IF AND WHEN FORMER
PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL BE
INDICTED FOR HUSH MONEY
PAYMENTS TO STORMY DANIELS.
AFTER ALL OF THE HYPE AND BUILD
UP ABOUT TRUMP, STORMY DANIELS
WAS LIKE, "SPOILER ALERT, GET
READY TO BE DISAPPOINTED."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEP, TRUMP SAID HE WAS GOING TO
BE INDICTED TUESDAY.
THEN EVERYONE THOUGHT
WEDNESDAY.
AND NOW IT MAY HAPPEN THURSDAY.
IT'S LIKE SEEING THE ALERT YOUR
UBER DRIVER IS TWO MINUTES AWAY
FOR THREE STRAIGHT DAYS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
LIKE, "COME ON, ALREADY.
I CAN SEE YOU.
I CAN SEE WHERE YOU'RE PARKED."
YEP.
THE MANHATTAN DISTRICT ATTORNEY
COULD BE CLOSE TO INDICTING
FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP, AND THE
NEWS HAS REALLY TAKEN OVER THE
CITY.
IN FACT, IT'S EVEN HAD A BIG
EFFECT ON A FAMOUS TV SHOW
FILMED HERE.
AND I THINK I KNOW SOMEONE
BEHIND WRITING THIS.
WATCH THIS.
>> IN THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SYSTEM, WHICH IS TOTALLY
RIGGED, THE PEOPLE ARE
REPRESENTED BY TWO SEPARATE YET
BIGLY EQUAL GROUPS.
THE POLICE WHO INVESTIGATE
CRIME AND THE DISTRICT
ATTORNEYS WHO ARE ON A HUGE
FAKE NEWS WITCH HUNT TO
PROSECUTE VERY INNOCENT AND
VERY HANDSOME OFFENDERS.
BELIEVE ME.
THESE ARE THEIR STORIES.
♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: MEANWHILE, I READ
THAT TRUMP IS ACTUALLY ENJOYING
ALL OF THE ATTENTION THAT HE'S
GETTING FROM HIS POTENTIAL
INDICTMENT.
YEP.
TRUMP'S EXCITED NOW.
BUT WAIT UNTIL HE FINDS OUT THE
KETCHUP IN JAIL IS HUNT'S.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"ATTICA, ATTICA!
I WANT OUT OF HERE!"
YEP, TRUMP'S LOVING THE
ATTENTION FROM POSSIBLY BEING
ARRESTED.
WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES.
IT WENT FROM "LOCK HER UP" TO
"LOCK ME UP."
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, THE BIG STORY IS TRUMP'S
POTENTIAL INDICTMENT, BUT I
STILL HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS
ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION.
SO, RIGHT NOW, IN A "TONIGHT
SHOW" EXCLUSIVE, WE'RE ACTUALLY
GOING TO ASK THE FORMER
PRESIDENT A FEW OF THOSE
QUESTIONS.
ALL RIGHT, BEFORE WE GET
STARTED, MR. TRUMP, DO YOU
SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH, THE
WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT
THE TRUTH?
>> NO WAY, NO WAY, NO WAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: FAIR ENOUGH.
I APPRECIATE YOUR HONESTY.
LET'S DIVE IN.
MR. TRUMP, ROUGHLY HOW LONG WAS
YOUR ENCOUNTER WITH
STORMY DANIELS?
>> ABOUT TEN SECONDS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CYMBAL CRASH ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: WOW.
THAT'S ALL?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> TEN SECONDS TO ME IS LIKE AN
ETERNITY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: OKAY.
NOW, YOUR HUSH MONEY PAYMENT
MEANT TO BE TRACED BACK TO YOU,
OR DID YOU WANT IT TO BE
ANONYMOUS?
>> ANANOMAS, REALLY AND,
ANOMONAS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR
MOUTH IS A LITTLE DRY.
IF YOU WANT TO TAKE A QUICK
WATER BREAK, GO RIGHT AHEAD AND
TAKE A BRE --
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD.
OKAY.
BACK TO THE INDICTMENT.
WHAT DID THE POLICE OFFICER SAY
ABOUT TAKING YOUR FINGERPRINTS?
>> HE SAID I HAD SMALL HANDS.
THEY'RE NOT SMALL, ARE THEY?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: LAST QUESTION.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF YOUR
CHANCES FOR RE-ELECTION IF
YOU'RE CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
>> IT'S GOING DOWN THE TUBERS.
>> Jimmy: ALL RIGHT.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
OF COURSE, EVERYONE HAS A LOT
TO SAY ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING
WITH TRUMP, INCLUDING
POLITICIANS IN WASHINGTON.
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.
FOR INSTANCE, PRESIDENT
JOE BIDEN SAID, "TRUMP KNOWS
HE'S GUILTY, EVEN THOUGH HE
THINKS HE'S SOME KIND OF HERO,
LIKE SULLY SULLENBERGER."
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
THEN SENATOR ANGUS KING SAID,
"I LOVE SULLY SULLENBERGER!
BUT ANYWAY, TRUMP'S GOTTEN
HIMSELF IN A HUGE MESS THAT
EVEN MR. CLEAN CAN'T ERASE."
[ LAUGHTER ]
SENATOR MARK KELLY SAID, "I
LOVE MR. CLEAN!
BUT ANYWAY, I HAVE A FEELING
THAT IF TRUMP GOES TO JAIL,
HE'LL BE ONE ANGRY BIRD."
THEN SENATOR BILL CASSIDY SAID,
"I LOVE ANGRY BIRDS!
BUT ANYWAY, TRUMP NEEDS TO PICK
HIMSELF UP, HOLD HIS CHIN HIGH,
AND STOP ACTING LIKE DROOPY
DOG."
THEN SENATOR MITCH McCONNELL
SAID, "I LOVE DROOPY DOG!
BUT ANYWAY, I THINK TRUMP JUST
NEEDS TO RELAX AND STOP YELLING
ALL THE TIME, LIKE
GEORGE COSTANZA.
CONGRESSMAN BRAD SHERMAN SAID,
I LOVE GEORGE COSTANZA!
BUT ANYWAY, IT'LL BE
INTERESTING TO SEE TRUMP
TESTIFY BECAUSE HE DOESN'T
EXACTLY HAVE THE ACTING SKILLS
OF JOHN LITHGOW.
THEN CONGRESSMAN FRANK PALLONE
SAID, I LOVE JOHN LITHGOW!
BUT ANYWAY, I JUST WISH THIS
HAPPENED NEXT MONTH SO WE CAN
FOCUS ON NCAA BASKETBALL.
AND FINALLY, DONALD TRUMP SAID,
"I LOVE BASKETBALLS!"
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
EVERYONE HAS THEIR THING.
WELL, SOME MORE BIG NEWS.
TODAY TIKTOK SENT AROUND
20 INFLUENCERS TO WASHINGTON,
D.C. TO PROTEST A POTENTIAL BAN
OF THE APP.
OF COURSE, SINCE IT WAS A
A TIKTOK PROTEST, IT LASTED
ABOUT THREE SECONDS BEFORE
EVERYONE MOVED ON TO SOMETHING
ELSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I HEARD THAT GOOGLE JUST
RELEASED THEIR OWN ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE CHATBOT CALLED
BARD.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
YEAH, BUT PEOPLE HAVE NOTICED
THAT BARD MAKES A LOT OF
MISTAKES AND IS LESS ACCURATE
THAN CHATGPT.
SO, WE DECIDED TO TEST THEM OUT
BY ASKING THEM BOTH THE SAME
QUESTIONS.
OKAY?
FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU ASK, "WHAT
DO HUMANS NEED TO SURVIVE,"
CHATGPT SAID, "FOOD, WATER, AND
SHELTER."
WHILE BARD SAID, "FUEGO
CHILI-LIME TAKIS."
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOOK AT THIS NEXT ONE.
WHEN YOU ASK, "WHAT ARE THE
OPENING LINES OF THE NATIONAL
ANTHEM?"
CHATGPT SAYS, "O SAY, CAN YOU
SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY
LIGHT."
BUT BARD SAYS, "IT'S ME.
HI.
I'M THE PROBLEM.
IT'S ME."
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NATIONAL ANTHEM?
NEXT, WHEN YOU ASK, "WHAT IS
CONSIDERED THE WORST SEQUEL OF
ALL TIME?"
CHATGPT SAYS "THE GODFATHER
PART III."
BARD SAYS, "DON JR."
[ LAUGHTER ]
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
WHEN YOU ASK, "WHAT ARE THE
THREE BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT?"
CHATGPT SAYS, "LEGISLATIVE,
EXECUTIVE, AND JUDICIAL."
BUT BARD SAYS, "DINERS,
DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES."
[ LAUGHTER ]
AND FINALLY, WHEN YOU ASK, "IF
3X MINUS Y EQUALS 12, WHAT IS
THE VALUE OF 8 TO THE POWER OF
X DIVIDED BY 2 TO THE POWER OF
Y?"
CHATGPT SAYS, "2 TO THE POWER
OF 12."
WHILE BARD SAYS, "UH, ASK
CHATGPT."
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO, THEY'RE STILL WORKING OUT
THE KINKS THERE, I THINK.
AND FINALLY, SIX YEARS AFTER
SHUTTING DOWN, A RE-IMAGINED
RINGLING BROS. AND BARNUM AND
BAILEY CIRCUS IS GOING ON TOUR
WITHOUT ANIMALS.
BUT DON'T WORRY, THEY'LL STILL
PIPE IN THAT OLD ELEPHANT
SMELL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH, IT'LL BE A LITTLE
DIFFERENT.
NOW THE LION TAMER JUST STICKS
HIS HEAD INSIDE A CLOWN'S
MOUTH.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YEAH.
THAT'S RIGHT.
A CIRCUS WITHOUT ANIMALS.
IT'S CALLED, TRUMP'S TRIAL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW.