-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody. You're here.
You made it. Thank you for watching.
What a beautiful fall day we had today, huh?
Wasn't it gorgeous? When I woke up,
there was a baby sparrow nesting in my beard.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, I'm very excited about this.
Jack Harlow is my co-host tonight.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's a stud.
Yeah, he also had the song of the year, "First Class."
Everyone loves that.
Everyone loves that song.
Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines is like, "Eh, it's not relatable."
[ Laughter ]
Spirit Airlines, the subway in the sky.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, let's get to some news.
People are talking about this.
Yesterday President Biden went down to Florida,
and during his visit, he was caught on a hot microphone
talking to a local mayor.
Check this out. This is real.
[ Laughter ]
Biden basically has two modes --
sweet grandpa and Tarantino movie.
[ Laughter ]
Biden sounds like a hard-nosed P.I.
who wraps up cases by saying...
♪♪
Actually, Biden didn't stop there.
He actually kept talking. -Really?
-Yeah, we got exclusive footage. Listen to this.
-Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
♪♪
-Some big news. Today, President Biden pardoned all people
convicted of possessing marijuana under federal law.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Signaling a major step towards legalization.
I'm pretty sure Biden's approval rating is about
to get high for the first time.
[ Laughter ] -Whoa!
-Yeah, the President cancelled student-loan debt.
And now he's pardoning people for weed.
I think Biden's going to be able to get into any frat
he wants right now. [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I have a feeling Trump is about to claim that all
his classified documents were just rolling papers.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of the former president, yesterday Trump was
delivering remarks when he brought up the FBI's
search of Mar-a-Lago.
And he's definitely looking for the bright side here.
Take a look.
-Has anyone heard about the document hopes
helicopters flying over Mar-a-Lago?
Well, they've given us about $5 billion worth
of free publicity, I will say.
People say, "That's a nice house."
If it weren't so nice, they probably wouldn't be doing it
because, you know, it gets ratings.
When they look, they say, "that's a beautiful place."
-Right now, Trump's watching the Jeffrey Dahmer show like,
"Well, great publicity."
[ Laughter ] "Really is.
A lot of people are watching that show."
Listen to this. I read that the Air Force just
announced a plan to reduce their carbon footprint
and adapt to climate change.
Yeah, it's a major move. In fact, the Air Force just
unveiled their new F-24 Prius. Have you seen this?
[ Laughter ]
Guys, today marked the start of New York Comic-Con.
Yeah. [ Cheers ]
They're expecting over 150,000 fans,
and a lot of them will be in costume.
So we thought it would be helpful to point out
the differences between a New York Comic-Con Spider-Man
and a Times Square Spider-Man.
[ Laughter ]
For instance, Comic-Con Spider-Man just paid 125 bucks
for a ticket to get in.
Times Square Spider-Man just paid 125 bucks
of bail to get out.
[ Laughter ]
Next up, Comic-Con Spider-Man wants to score with Mary Jane.
Times Square Spider-Man already scored some Mary Jane.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up, Comic-Con Spider-Man
wears an official spandex suit he bought online.
Times Square Spider-Man wears
a homemade suit that's part Spanx, part Skims.
He calls them skanks.
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, Comic-Con Spider-Man waits
for the bathroom in a long line.
Times Square Spider-Man goes to the bathroom in his skanks.
[ Laughter ] That's the difference.
Guys, get this, I heard that the U.S. might start requiring
beer, wine, and spirits makers to provide more information
on what's in their drinks.
These are strange times.
Weed is about to be legal, but we need a full report
on what's in Bud Light Lime.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, finally, a house in Michigan is going viral
after the owner synced up his Halloween lights
to the tune of a song from "Hocus Pocus 2."
Watch this.
-♪ One way or another, we're gonna find ya ♪
♪ We're gonna get ya, get ya, get ya, get ya, one way ♪
-Yeah, it seems annoying,
but it only plays on loop for 18 hours a day.
[ Laughter ] Guys, we have a great show.