- Here's another question many of you will relate to,
"Hey, Marisa. What can I do
"when my mom is constantly tearing me down?
"She never misses a chance to let me know
"that she's disappointed in me.
"I'm not married.
"I don't have an amazing job.
"I'm 40 years old.
"I don't want to hurt her,
"but every day she makes me feel bad.
"I know she cares about me,
"but what can I do?"
That's a great question.
And what you need to do is go,
"Hey, Mom. I know you care about me,
"but every time I speak to you,
"you tell me that you're disappointed.
"May I ask you why you're doing that?
"What is your objective when you start all our calls with,
"'I'm so disappointed in you'?"
And your mother will probably say, "Well, I thought
"it would help you.
"I thought I would help you
"if I told you everything you are doing wrong."
You have to say, "Mom, I know you mean well,
"you're actually hurting my feelings."
Many years ago, I was in a store with my mom,
and I walked past the newsstand and there was Cosmopolitan,
and there was I on it.
And I went, "Oh, hey, mom, look at this.
"I've got a whole write-up in Cosmo
"all about this audio I've made for relationships."
My mother said, "Hmm, I don't think you should do that.
"You're not good at relationships.
"You don't have one.
"And I'm not even going to read the article."
And I could think, "Wow, that was mean.
"That was critical.
"That was harsh."
I went, "Mom, why are you saying that?
"Are you trying to hurt my feelings?"
Amazingly she went, "No, no, no. Of course I'm not.
"I'm very proud of you,
"but I think you should do what you're good at
"and not do what you're not good at."
And I kind of understood her.
It wasn't okay.
But I didn't go after her and say,
"That's a terrible thing."
I got it that she came from a different place to me.
And many of our parents say things like,
"Oh, well, that's never going to work out.
"You need to lose weight.
"Why haven't you got a person?
"You're in a dead-end job."
And they really believe
if they criticize us and criticize us,
we'll get better.
Here's the truth that you and I know,
praise makes you grow
and criticism makes you wither.
And I think you need to start with what I call "the sandwich."
Imagine you're on the phone,
"Hey, Mom."
I'm on the phone to my mom, "Hi."
And I'm going to do the sandwich.
"Mom, I love you, you're a great mom.
"I love the fact you care about me.
"However," now we're getting to the filling,
"Every time I speak to you,
"you criticize me, you tear me down.
"It really hurts my feelings.
"Did you know that criticism withers people?
"I know as a parent you want the best for me.
"I know you're a great parent.
"I would like you to stop criticizing me."
So you're giving your mom the sandwich. Praise,
"Hey, Mom. I know you love me.
"I love the fact that you love me.
"However, you criticize me a lot.
"It really hurts my feelings.
"I don't like it.
"It diminishes me.
"I would like you to stop.
"I'd like you to praise me more.
"I know you care.
"This is how I'd like you to talk to me."
And it will work.
My father did that to me.
He would always joke. When I said,
"My boyfriend wants to marry me,"
he went, "Oh, who would want to marry you?"
When I said to him, "I'm in the paper."
He'd go, "What are you in the paper for?
"Why is the paper interested in you?"
And what I said to him, "Dad, it really hurts me
"when you make a joke about all of my achievements.
"I know you mean well,
"but you make everything into a joke, and it hurts me."
You know what?
He actually stopped.
I had to say it a few times,
"There you go again.
"You're making a joke about my achievements.
"'Who would want to write about you?
"'Who would want to marry you?'
"I know you don't mean it.
"I know you're proud.
"It hurts me."
And he stopped.
I told him, I reminded him of four or five times,
and he stopped, and your mother will stop.
If you say, "Hey, Mom. Have you noticed
"you're going into criticizing me?
"I know your intentions are good,
"but this isn't working for me.
"Hey, Mom. You're tearing me down.
"I want to have a better relationship with you.
"I'm not going to allow you to tear me down.
"Let's change the subject.
"Why are you doing that, Mom?
"Why are you saying that?
"What's your objective?"
Her objective is to help you.
You go, "But it's not helping me.
"It makes me feel bad.
"If my own mother criticizes me, that doesn't work."
You have to show her how to treat you.
We all have to show people how to treat us.
You can do a great job.
Start with reminding her, "Oh, you're tearing me down again.
"You're criticizing me again.
"Criticism makes my soul wither, and praise builds it up.
"This is how I'd like you to talk to me and about me."
Show her the way you want to be treated.
I know you can do it, and everything will get better.
I wish you every success, lots of love.