(gentle music)
- [Narrator] Alex is excited,
his uncle Ned's coming to town
and he's been bugging his dad to get Ned a job.
Elyse is worried Steven's boss will find out
about that time Ned embezzled
four and a half million dollars
at his last gig, in Philadelphia.
Uncle Ned arrived slurring waving two trash bags
he brought in from the curb for no apparent reason.
He announces, "This calls for a celebration!"
and grabs five beers.
Ned's losing at Trivial Pursuit,
rounding the corner on that fifth beer
and tells Alex to grab him another beer.
Elyse says, "It's late and time for bed."
Ned says, "Sure thing, right after one last brewdog."
Elyse is like, "Ahem, Ned, too much sauce."
Uncle Ned mumbles some nonsense into a can.
Elyse tells her brother it's time he got a job.
Ned says nobody will higher him
after that whoopsy-daisy when he threw
4.5 million into a money pit.
Steven tells Ned he got him an interview
with a colleague of his own.
Uncle Ned says that calls for a celebration
and sends Alex back to the fridger for two more beers.
Uncle Ned is sleepless in Ohio,
having a late night starring contest in the dark
with an empty bottle of liquor.
Alex comes in for a snack
and Ned invites his underage nephew
to take a seat and turn the fuck up.
Alex says he's pulling an all-nighter
for an economics final.
Uncle Ned says, "That's all the more reason to have a beer."
which makes, zero, damn, sense.
Only, they're out of beer because Ned drank all the beer.
Uncle Ned suggests they go for a beer run
but when Alex says stores are closed
because it's after 2 a.m., Ned hears that as a challenge.
Ned saunters over to the pantry
and rounds up every container that has any alcohol,
including artichokes and maraschino cherries.
Uncle Ned says he hit the jackpot
and, while it might not be Miller Time, it's vanilla time.
Then, he slams a bottle of vanilla extract
like a guy who's, certainly, done this before.
Rock bottom has never tasted so sweet.
Uncle Ned's trashed and he wants to help Alex study.
Alex says he'll take a rain check from Ole Vanilla Breath.
Ned's pissed that Alex doesn't want his help
and asks why he's too good to join his uncle
for a tall glass of cherries.
Alex says he's never seen his uncle drunk and Ned snaps.
He gets extremely loud and incredibly gross,
saying, "You think I'm drunk?
"Well, howdy partner, I'm drunk.
"And, why the fuck shouldn't I be?"
Which makes sense since it's 2 a.m. in the 'burbs.
Uncle Ned is riding the bi-polar express,
laughing and hugging and screaming,
shit's a mess.
Alex tells Ned to sleep it off.
But, Uncle Ned says, "Nuts to that."
and tries to call a taxi by screaming,
"Taxi!" in this kitchen.
Realizing that's not how you call a taxi,
Ned leaves with his hobo margarita.
Alex is upset because he was gonna have
vanilla pancakes with cherries for breakfast
and that plan just walked out the goddamn door.
The next morning Uncle Ned asks Alex if he slept alright.
Alex is all like, "Nope.
"And, you know why I didn't sleep well."
But, Ned doesn't know because he blacked out
harder than an epileptic at a strobe light convention.
Alex says Uncle Ned has a big problem.
His mom's not hearing it.
Mallory and Jennifer got Uncle Ned
some ugly socks for his interview, very ugly.
Steve says the interview's at 11.
Ned says he'll be there with socks on.
Alex reiterates, "Uncle Ned has a drinking problem."
and his mom says, "He just likes to party
"and he's partying a little harder than usual, these days."
Then, Alex finally drops the bombshell
about that thing he did with the vanilla,
which, come on, should've been his opener.
Uncle Ned feigns surprise
over a turny bottle of hootch in his jacket.
He pours a splash in his O.J.
and his sister is like, "Bro, your interview
"is in two hours, get your life together."
Ned says he can stop anytime.
Elyse says, "Prove it."
So, he casts his morning cocktail away, down the drain.
Uncle Ned's interview is going fine
until Mr. Wertz asks him about that time
he embezzled 4.5 million smackers.
Uncle Ned says he could tell that story best
through song.
Mr. Wertz gets a phone call and Steven tells Ned
to relax and just be himself,
which is a huge mistake because Ned's self
is an alcoholic disaster.
Ned proceeds to blow this interview.
He really fucks this thing up sideways.
And, when Mr. Wertz tells Ned he forgot his socks
Ned clarifies, he actually has them ugly shits
in his pocket.
Mr. Wertz says, "This interview's over."
Ned grabs his clarinet,
deuces.
Steven says Ned showed up hammered for his interview
and he needs real help, right now,
because he's on a terminal road to addiction.
Saving Private Jameson stumbles in with champaign
because that interview he aced, calls for a celebration.
Elyse scolds her drunk brother,
but Ned says he never had a shot of getting that job.
Steven says he did until he sullied his chances
by being a fuckin' embarrassment.
Elyse says, "Psst, dumb-dumb,
"you've got male hereditary alcoholism
"and the circle won't end until you call AA.
"They've got volunteers who can help."
Alex shows Ned newspaper clippings, he keeps in his wallet,
of his uncle's past accomplishments,
which is so weird that he keeps those
next to his ass all the time.
Who does that?
Uncle Ned says, "These are garbage.", accurate,
and throws them in the fire.
Alex tries to stop him from discarding
the leaflets of his success
and Ned slaps him back to the furniture.
Steven says, "That's it, get help or get out."
Uncle Ned is cryin' like a bitch
and finally agrees to call AA.
He picks up the phone, makes one last punchline
then gets serious.
He's an alcoholic
and he needs help
and he's ready to get his life back on track.
Only, he doesn't because we never see Uncle Ned ever again
because he, probably, family tied a rope around his neck
and fucking killed himself.
So, what did we learn today?
If you're visiting family you haven't seen in a while,
showing up sober and empty handed
is better than wasted with garbage.
And, apparently, you can get drunk from vanilla extract
but, it's such a bummer, you might as well not.
And, everyone deserves a second chance,
even if you embezzled $4.5 million.
But, don't waste that opportunity by being a boozy mess
when the guy who bangs your sister
puts his neck on the line.
And, if your nephew loves you and looks up to you
don't scare him in the kitchen
or slap the taste out of his mouth like he owes you money,
even if it is, kinda, weird he keeps newspaper clippings
about you, in his wallet.
And, if you say you're gonna be somewhere with socks on,
be there with socks on, even if them shits are ugly.
See you next time, on A Very Special Episode.
(whooshing)
(creaking)