this is a story about a man cursed by his 5th grade English teacher
but I'm getting ahead of myself
you see, it's also a story about love…well…love is subjective, really, so…
you should be the judge of that
marshmallow clouds caressing you in your sleep
that's just what love feels like
okay…
raspberry dragons bathing you in the sea
and the salt cleans your pores
like never before
and you feel born again
and that's just what love feels like
just what it feels like
i thought you went on, like…2 dates with that girl
yeah, what's the problem, this is the 3rd date tonight--
we're gonna figure out where we're gonna have our…ashes scattered
it's gonna be beautiful
you're too excited, it's kind of creepy--you're creepin me out
what do you mean--I'm not excited…
okay? I'm being rational…
and there's no excitement here at all--WHOA!
--what? --there she is
oh, that's her?
man, she is so cool…she doesn't give a fuck about anything
oh my God, I'm so sorry
hey, it's fine, I don't give a fuck!
she doesn't give a fuck
what anyone thinks about her
OOOH
she doesn't give a fuck
she got better things to doooooh (Dostoevsky sucks!)
than give a single fuh - huck (you suck!)
(she doesn't give a fuck)
she doesn't give a fuh - huh - huh - huh - huck (she doesn't give a fuck)
she doesn't give a fuh - huck (she doesn't give a fuck)
not one single fuuuhhhhhhck
ohhhhhhhhh
I can't believe my life is so perfect right now
oh no…is that a handshake?
a bro handshake?
maybe I misjudged this whole situation
unless maybe we had an inside joke about handshakes
mmm, I don't remember any
oh, God…I'm probably embarrassing everyone right now
[slow motion greeting]
OH, IT WAS A HUG--okay, yeah, was a hug
this reminds me of all the mistakes I've ever made
my father would be ashamed
I can almost smell the embarrassment
oh, wait a sec--what is that
fecal matter?! or have I been driven insane by my failures?
can you hallucinate smell?
this is it…the end
my life is over
there's no coming back from this
I die knowing…that I once knew happiness
no! wait! I can't disappoint Milk Thug
I can salvage this
sorry, I thought that we were going for, like, a handshake thing
(laughing) yeah, it's okay…people think I'm Karen from sales all the time, so…
(employment voice) well, Karen, uh, did you get my fax?
sent it in the 90s!
sure did, get it up on my dial-up modem…Bob!
anyways, what I--what I want to ask you was, did you--we still on for tonight?
yeah! for sure, I have you down for 8, so…
yeah
yeah, unless I catch, like, dysentery or something
probably not
which, I don't even know if you can catch dysentery
only if you go around drinkin shit!
I mean, sorry, is that Notes From the Underground, there, you got?
yeah! uh, I got it for, like, 2 bucks or something like that
I think that's like 20 cents a chapter
I heard people say Crime and Punishment is a lot better
uh, I'll just read em both, I don't give a fuck
(she doesn't give a fuh - huck) see you later
whoa
I know
don't blow it
you know I can't promise that
oh, I know. was that bird shit or just like a fashion thing?
knowin her…it's probably both
bein in love is like bein on drugs without the potential brain damage!
[rift in space-time]
kisses are crack rocks you don't have to smoke
with no life-ruining baggage
where are we?!
no life-ruining baggage
and when we touch (when they touch)
oh, when we toouuuuch (ahhhhh)
I can feel it get me high, I can feel that dopamine rush
and when we kiss
(when they kiss)
oh, when we kiss (ahhhhh)
it satisfies my addiction
without makin me pass out in a pool of my piss!
bein in love is like goin flat broke
and gettin kicked out of college (but where are we, though?)
she's like the dealer who's trying to collect (what's happeni--)
and get all the payments she's promised
and when she speaks
OHHH, when she speaks!
where are we, man?
oh, crap!
[in the distance] I'm comin for you, Jon!
I've gone too far again
what do you mean?
I didn't wanna tell you this, but… [sentimental music]
when I was in the 5th grade…I didn't do my English homework for, like, 3 whole weeks
my teacher gave a test on analogies--I failed
so she cursed me
and now every time I make a bad analogy…it comes true
wait, what? that's amazing--why don't you do like…cool stuff with that?
yeah, you'd think it be amazing, right? but it's just not that easy!
the roller coaster in the front yard, I tried it!
teachin the cat French, I tried it
but unfortunately it's just not as easy as turning a light on and off
[light buzz & crackle, irony ensuing]
there you go, see?
you owe me a lot of money, little man
so you know what I gotta do
actually, I really don't know what it is you gotta do
but if you direct me to an ATM, I might be able to
[gut-punch] PUHÜHÖHØ
an ATM? you think this is a joke, man?
have you runnin rabid all over Crittenden County?
while I'm lookin soft to all my customers?
well, in my line of work…Customer Service 101…
[switchblade activation]
you gotta make…an example
Jon--just get us out of here
I can't, man
you all think this is a big joke?
[stabbing, screaming] OH MY GOD
well, your friend's got a real funny laugh!
that was a stabbing--get us out of here, Jon
I can't man, it's not as simple as ordering a cup of coffee!!!
[various screams]
light or dark roast?
MEDIUM, PLEASE!!
could I get a band-aid? and some milk?
uh, do you want me to leave room for half and half?
that'd be really great, thanks
just right there
[juicy wound, band-aid application]
listen, man…look, I'm sorry about all that
don't apologize, it was actually kind of incredible [sentimental harp]
except for the basement, the basement was awful
can we go back?
you sure, man? you're hurt pretty bad
I don't care--I'm hurt but we didn't finish what we started
please…please, man--this was just…this is so fucking incredible, man, we gotta go back
okay, let's…let's finish this analogy
let's finish
bein in love is like bein on drugs
without the potential of dyin
and when we touch (when they touch)
OHH, when we touch (ahhhh)
I can feel it get me high but I still can't get enough
and when we kiss (when they kiss)
OHHH, when we kiss (ahhh)
it's at least as good as a dank-ass joint
without makin me rob my mom at gunpoint
bein in love is like bein on druhhhhgs
so I know that's kind of a long story, but, uh…main point is, I kind of like this one girl a bit
cool
did that guy flash us earlier?
I think
I didn't really look back, but I thought--
I think I saw the man's parts
that guy comes in like every week
sometimes he just starts screaming like that
I guess sometimes you just gotta let it out
[jubilant shout]
…be like "do you like comedy?"
[jubilant shout]
…do you like --would you say no? --do you like genitals?
you can't say… --you wanna see my genitals at the comedy club tonight?
and they all learned something new that day
and somethin new was learned (somethin new)
and they all learned somethin new that day
and somethin new was learned
and they're better than yesterday
cuz somethin new was learned (SOMETHIN NEW!)
make sure to see the whole music video here
and you can get the songs right here for play on your toaster oven or radio of choice
and a huge thanks to Mike Diva--he made the Marshmallow Clouds sequence
I'll put him right here
THANKS MIKE, HOW'S THE VIEW FROM DOWN THERE?!
he can't answer--he's trapped in a magic box
that's unfortunate
that's 3 magic boxes
that's a lot of boxes
AND SOMETHIN NEW (okay, cut) WAS LEARNED (SOMETHIN NEW!)