- What is one experience you wish I never had?
- (chuckles) thank you.
- Yeah, it's okay.
It's okay.
You don't have to say it.
- I think that's just so hard for me.
- It's so hard, I know.
- What is the pain in me you wish you could heal?
- The pain in you that I wish I could heal.
- Ah.
- Yeah, (chuckles)
there's a lot of pain with my past
that you're experiencing, like all my past.
My past relationships, my childhood
and all that stuff.
And it hurts you so bad.
And I feel so bad about it.
Now I wish that I could take that away.
'Cause like, I'm over everything you know,
like my entire past, like basically
to me my life started when like you and I met.
Like I'm through with all that, you know.
And I feel like you're just like caught up on it still
and I'm sure it will get better with time,
but its just something we gotta keep working through.
And it's really sad.
- It's hard though 'cause it's something
for the longest time I just didn't understand like how?
Like you could have made this decisions
or how you could be okay,
like seemingly okay. - Yeah.
- Having gone through all those things?
- My siblings and I thought that behavior
was so normal.
Like you know, to just struggle
and you know be hungry and all these things.
And it's like not taking care of.
- You weren't taught basic human functions.
- Yeah.
- Because of those things,
you've learned so much. - Yeah.
And you are the way you are now because of that.
And because of so many other things
but you can't erase it.
So why would you even think about that you know?
- Yeah, that's a good way I think about it.
But it's so sad to see you caught up on that.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- I'm better, I'm doing better.
- You're tough yeah, I know you are, yeah okay.
When was the moment you realized
I was in love with you?
- Oh, I would say pretty early on.
You were like, I almost wanna say obsessed
but maybe not quite that far.
You were very dedicated to knowing me
and to letting me know that you liked
me as much as you did and then loving me.
You actually told me many times.
- Many times yeah, I did actually tell you
on the phone a couple of times.
- You were so embarrassed.
- I hang up quick.
- But I already knew that
it's like it wasn't a surprise to me.
The surprise was that, oh he's embarrassed by it,
but I already knew.
- I was embarrassed that it really was.
- Yeah.
- But yeah.
(laughing)
- What do you think I need to hear and why?
- I say this often, but like it's okay.
It's gets so okay to feel and to,
like all the feelings that you feel, like are fine.
They're so okay, they're good.
Like I'd rather you experience something,
even if it's like painful than to shut off from it.
And that's like, from my personal experience.
Like you were, you knew yourself,
you're very authentic but your feeling
was not your game, you know.
- I was really good at not showing myself to people.
- Yeah like it's okay to let people in.
You know you'll have people that hurt you,
like along the road and throughout life
but like, that's just like the human nature, you know.
- Ah.
Like the human experience, so it's okay.
And I tell you that
whenever you start to like tear up.
Like it's okay. - Yeah I know, it's okay.
It's okay.
You've like taught me to not block anything
from myself which I had,
or like from other people.
I don't think I realized
I was blocking any emotions from myself,
but I was very much aware
that I was walking out from other people.
Like for other people seeing it.
- Yeah.
- But like I physically cannot hide anything from you.
- I feel like we're so connected.
Like our emotions are almost like intertwined.
'Cause there are times
and I don't think this is recently
but like we'll just be like in the car,
just like driving and I almost feel like
a nod in my chest and I'm like,
like for no reason just ask you
without even consciously thinking,
like are you okay?
And you're just - I'm like crap I'm not,
how does he know?
I'm like that's my thing.
Like how did I know? - Yeah.
- Yeah, so I think that's really unique
and special that we share that we can just like
really see each other.
- That's one thing that's different.
It's just hard to explain to other people.
- Yeah.
What do you still not understand about me?
- Hmm.
I mean, there's a big one
that I didn't understand it for the longest time.
- Yeah.
- I think I do now.
I remember the moment I felt so selfish.
Feeling bad that you had those experiences.
I remember like,
it was when we were in the car driving back
and we were like parked outside of my apartment
and I cried the heaviest,
I think I've ever cried.
And it was because I like hit this wall,
was like, we're here now.
I'm like so dumb.
Like not dumb.
I'm not dumb. - You're not.
- So selfish.
Like why, why am I making this my problem?
This is steamed from something much bigger
than myself and these small emotions.
It's like, why am I putting this on me?
And like making you feel bad, like no, enough.
Like I was so mad at myself.
- But you didn't know.
But it felt like it was manipulating you
or something like that.
Why would I be so upset with you because of that?
- That's like I think,
that's just like such a common thing.
- Yeah. - You know.
But, are you good?
You're so much better now.
You're very healthy.
Yeah.
- If this were to be our last conversation
what is something you never want me to forget?
- Let's seriously think about that.
- I don't wanna think about that.
- Don't forget the impact you have on other people.
Like we mentioned this earlier,
like you were such a catalyst to my growth
and who I am now.
Like I'm a prime example of the impact
that you can have on other people.
You know, like you, when you touch lives
you're like change them in a good way.
So yeah, It'd be that.
Like, you can really change lives.
You have a really cool gift.
- Like that - Yeah.
- Big thing to say.
- Its a big responsibility too,
(chuckles)
- But I think you saw my potential
and you could see my authenticity before I could.
And I think that really,
I mean, because why else would you have gotten with me?
Once you have a guy.
- Yeah, I asked myself that when I was first with you.
I was like, why am I here?
But I can't leave. - Why would you.
- Like who is this guy?
Yeah. But you stuck it out.
Knowing my story and experience,
if you could go back to give me any advice,
what would it be and when?
- What a question?
- You finally agree with me.
- Yeah.
- It's a big story.
I think the biggest thing I would tell you,
is to start like meeting yourself.
'Cause you didn't know who you were.
- Yeah.
- For like the longest time.
Like I know you always give me credit
for like helping you find yourself,
but I fully believe that you would have been able
to do that yourself.
You just didn't really know how
or didn't it know that you needed to.
- Yeah.
- So I think I would have maybe tried
to help you start the process sooner,
like as a kid.
- Yeah. That would have been great.
- You just needed so much
because you weren't like satisfied
in what you had and who you were.
- I was surviving.
I wasn't thriving.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Which is tough.
Yeah. You're right though, like this past year
has been basically me thinking
about everything that's ever happened in my life.
- You're facing it.
- Yeah, finally facing it
and like becoming my authentic self
through that process.
- Yeah - Which is hard.
- It's hard for the beginning, yeah.
- I feel better after like coming
to terms with who I am
and my journey along this world, you know.
I'm only 23 but it's been a long 23 years.
- It has been a long 23 years for you.
- But we got through it
and we're here and I'm now my authentic self.
- Ah.
- Thanks to you.
- Thanks to you. - Awesomely.
You did it, I didn't do the work.
I just helped you.
- You're my catalyst. - I'm the catalyst.
- The catalyst.
- Well, I love who you are.
- Thank you, I love who you are.
- How do you love me?
- How do I love you?
How do I love you, I love you full force.
Like I'm all the way in.
- You're all in since you met me
and that blew my mind.
(chuckles) that's true.
I love you really deep.
I care a lot about you.
I got a lot, a lot, a lot
and I never want to see you hurt, you know.
And I that's wanna like,
be there with you, you know through all your days.
Yeah. Its all that, how do I love you a lot?
- A lot, I feel there is a lot.
- All the love.
Yeah. - Yeah.
- So
- Thank you.
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