(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME, HAVE YOUR SEAT, HAVE YOUR SEAT.
HEY, AS I ALLUDED TO IN THAT MUSICAL-- THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
YOU ARE GOING TO BE HAVING A SUBSTITUTE TEACHER TODAY AND ST,
ST I, ME, MINE.
MY NAME IS MR. GOLDBLUM THAT IS G-O-L-D-B-L-U-M.
MR. CORDEN IS AWAY DISCHARGING OTHER OBLIGATIONS BUT WE HAVE
SPOKEN SO I'M VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE LESSON PLAN.
IT IS NOT AS A FEW OF YOU KIDS TOLL ME ON THE WAY IN THAT ON
THURSDAYS WE DISPENSE ENTIRLY WITH BOX AND ALL OF US ORDER OUT
FOR PIZZA.
NO, NO, NO.
I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY.
MY EYES ARE PEELED FOR ANY SHENANIGANS.
WHAT HAPPENS AT THIS POINT IS THAT MR. CORDEN OF COURSE READS
OFF SOME JOLLY JOLLY JOCULARS, SOME KNEE SLAPPERS, SOME
WITTICISMS OF A TOPICAL NATURE.
SO THAT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW.
HERE WE GO.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) THAIS THANK YOU.
HERE IS A LOCAL STORY.
SOMEBODY JUST PAID A RECORD 150 MILLION DOLLARS FOR A MANSION
HERE IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
IT HAS 18 BEDROOMS, 24 BATHROOMS AND IF THEY WANT, ONE GOLDBLUM,
YES, I'M GOING TO COME AND-- THAT IS A BIG HOUSINGS I
WANT TO LIVE THERE.
(APPLAUSE) YEAH,
(LAUGHTER) HEY, BUT REALLY, $150 MILLION,
FOR THAT KIND OF MONEY YOU COULD LITERALLY BUILD JURASSIC PARK.
IN JURASSIC PARK, SCAREE IN THE DARKK I'M SO SCARED THAT I WILL
BE EATEN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) HEY, BY THE WAY, HERE IS ANOTHER
INTERESTING AND ABSOLUTELY TRUE STORY.
ACCORDING TO A RECENT SURVEY THE 1% OF AMERICANS DON'T TRUST
OTHER DRIVERS ON THE ROADS DURING THIS WINTER WEATHER.
WELL, SOUNDS LUKE PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STAY HOME THIS WINTER AND
BINGE WATCH MY NEW SHOW ON DISPLEA PLUS, THE WORLD
ACCORDING TO JEFF GOLDBLUM.
YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT.
I MEAN STRICTLY FOR SAFETY PURPOSES.
THAT IS JUST FOR YOUR SAFETY, FOR HEAVENS SAKE BE SAFE AM BUT
IT IS TOUGH OUT THERE ON THE ROADS.
HEY, I WAS RECENTLY CUT OFF IN TRAFFIC, THIS IS TRUE, AND THIS
GUY WAS SO RUDE, HE WAS DISTRACTED, HE WAS A TOTAL JERK.
I THINK HE WAS SINGING KARAOKE, AND YOU KNOW WHO WAS IN THE
PASSENGER SEAT, HARRY STYLES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW WHO
THAT-- OH, THAT WAS-- I'M SO SORRY, JAMES, I LOVE YOU.
SORRY, SORRY, IT WAS YOU.
HEY, I'M WARNING YOU.
WINTER TRAVEL IS VERY DANGEROUS.
IN FACT, I JUST HEARD ABOUT A GRANDMA WHO GOT RUN OVER BY A
REINDEER.
(LAUGHTER) NOW WE'RE COOKING WITH GAS.
GOOD.
I SHALL NOW RECITE ONE OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES FROM GEORGE
BERNARD SHAW, IT GOES LIKE.
THIS THIS SLT TRUE JOY IN LIFE, THE BEING USED FOR A PURPOSE
CONSIDERED BY YOURSELF AS MIGHTY.
AND THE BEING A FORCE OF NATURE INSTEAD OF A FEVERISH SELFISH
LITTLE CLOD OF AILMENTS AN GRIEVEANCES COMPLAINING THAT THE
WORLD WILL NOT DE VOTE ITSELF TO MAKING YOU HAPPY.
I AM OF THE OPINION THAT MY LIFE BELONGS TO THE WHOLE COMMUNITY
AND WHILE I LIVE IT IS MY PRIVILEGE TO DO FOR IT WHATEVER
I CAN.
I WANT TO BE THOROUGHLY USED UP WHEN I DIE.
FOR THE HARDER I WORK, THE MORE I LIVE, I REJOICE IN LIFE FOR
ITS OWN SAKE.
LIFE IS NO BRIEF CANDLE TO ME.
IT IS A SORT OF SPEND DID TORCH I HAVE HOLD UP FOR A MOMENT AND
I WANT TO MAKE IT BURN AS BRIGHTLY AS POSSIBLE BEFORE
HANDING IT ON TO FUTURE GENERATIONS.
IF YOU FOUND THAT YUN LIFTING, APPLAUSE NOW.
YOU DID?
(APPLAUSE) IF YOU THOUGHT THAT IT WAS
TEDIOUS OR HUMORLESS OR LUIG YOU BE RIOS APPLAUSE LUG YOU BE
REE US A APPLAUSE NOW.
(APPLAUSE) HOW DARE YOU, HOW DARE YOU, HERE
IS ONE MORE ATTEMPT THEN TO BREAK THE ICE.
HERE IS THE PREMISE OF THIS LAST JOKE, AND IT IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THE HOLIDAYS, AN AIRLINE IS OFFERING PRIORITY BOARDING TO
PASS SWRERS WEARING UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATERS.
WELL, I GUESS THAT IS FESTIVE, OF COURSE IT IS DISCRIMINATORY
AGAINST ALL OF US JEWS BUT STILL FESTIVE.
BUT I GUESS IT'S WEIRD WHEN THEY COME OVER THE INTERCOME AND SAY
SOMETHING LIKE NOW BOARDING GROUPS YUCK THROUGH EWW.
(LAUGHTER) WELL, ERNIE KOVACS WE'RE OFF TO
A GREAT START.
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> REGGIE, ARE YOU READY?
>> Reggie: ABSOLUTELY.
>> THAT'S REGGIE WATTS.
I'M YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER JEFF GOLDBLUM, CLASS IS IN SESSION.
THIS IS THE "LATE, LATE SHOW," ROLL THE TITLES.