This is a tough topic today. But there's a lot of hope as well. How to handle
verbal abuse from your husband. And at the end of this conversation, I'll give
you 3 specific communication strategies that might help.
This topic gets my blood boiling a little bit because nobody deserves abuse.
Can I say that again? Nobody deserves abuse of any kind. There is zero
tolerance for abuse. For you to be treated with respect and kindness and
dignity is completely reasonable. And it is exactly what I want for you as well.
Now, there's a big problem with verbal abuse. And often verbal abuse turns to
physical abuse. And there's a high correlation with domestic violence. If
your husband or spouse is verbally abusing you, it doesn't mean that they're
a bad person. Maybe they don't know the proper way to treat you. Maybe you can
help to train them. And I want to assist you with that. It's really important that
we address this topic because it's happening way too often and causing all
kinds of negative consequences in our world. So, let's jump in and take this on,
shall we? Because of the high correlation of
verbal abuse to domestic violence and actual physical abuse, safety is our
primary concern right now. It's okay for you to stand up, to speak up and to get
the help that you need if you're in this position. Different communities, different
cultures have different resources available, So you may need to do a little
bit of research to see what's available in your part of the world. Regardless of
where you live. You are entitled to be treated with respect. And to take a stand
for that might require a courageous step on your part. So be ready to stand up and
to speak up and to have courage as you move forward with figuring this out. Now,
you might be thinking at this point, "Well it's not that bad, Dr. Paul. Lighten up a
little bit, will ya'?" And we will, okay? Will lighten up and I'm going to give you
some specific communication strategies if it's
at that level. I felt I needed to go there for just a minute to make sure
that we emphasize the importance of this. And how I feel about this. I've got your
back. And I want you to be treated with respect and kindness always. Send your
spouse over here and we'll do a few videos around communication and how to
treat each other and the proper principles that drive a relationship. We
got a lot of stuff here in the playlists on the channel for that. now let's get
into a communication skill. This tool was originally shared with me by Pamela Jett.
She's a communication specialist who is also a very engaging speaker and a
colleague of mine. She calls it "How to handle a sniper?" Now, what is a sniper do?
Sniper hides out on the rooftops and takes potshots at you, right? Verbally, a
sniper abuses you. Takes potshots at you. So, there's some correlation there. And
Pamela is a communications expert. So, that's what we're talking about. Those
verbally abusive phrases or words that get thrown out there and they just zing
you where they hurt. That's what we're talking about: How to handle a sniper.
There are three steps to this. Identify, verify and accept. Identify, verify and
accept. Quick little disclaimer, we're talking about those situations where
you're not in physical danger. This is for the more common problem of the
verbal stuff that's going on that hasn't escalated to a level where you're in
physical danger. If there's any immediate physical danger, then revert to what
we've already talked about and you stand, up speak up and take courageous action
to end that to get out of it. Okay, now back to the 3 steps. Identify, verify
and accept. Let's start with identify. This is where you get to use your
communication skills to identify what's going on. Quite honestly,
some people who are verbally abusive don't get it. They're just doing whatever
they've been trained taught and educated to do. And they may not be aware that
it's abusive or that it's abrasive or that it's bothering you. So, identify
means that you put it in this kind of a format. When X happens I feel Y, alright.
So, I'm using X and Y. You can fill in the blanks. When this happens, I feel that.
Here's an example. When I hear the words "What's wrong with you?", I feel
disrespected. Do you see how simple that can be? Now, simple and easy are not the
same thing. Alright? It's going to take some courage and it's not that easy to
do a simple thing. You identify by saying, "When this happens, I feel that." Now, once
you've done that, you can move to step 2. Step 2 in how to handle sniper, is
to verify. And this is brilliant. I think psychologically, this is where
the power is in this particular approach. Verify is when you say, "Is that what you
intended? Is that what you were going for? Was that your purpose? Is that what you
hoped to accomplish?" Okay. These questions all have a similar theme, don't they? "Is
that what you were going for? Was that your agenda? Is this what you wanted?"
Okay. That's powerful. Because 99% of the time this is where whoever you're
talking to is going to backpedal, okay? They're going to say something like, "Oh,
no. No, no. I didn't mean to do that at all." That's a common response. Or they might
try to turn it right back on you. "You're so sensitive." Okay, whatever it is.
Whatever their response, you move to step 3.
Accept. Meaning, accept the response. You're not going to accept to be
continually abused. We're putting an end to that. You're going to accept their
response and it's one word. "Okay." Okay. That's it. No matter what their response
is. Now your tone might change because what if you say is that what you
intended. And they're like, "Yeah, that's what I intended. I wanted you to feel
disrespected." Now, who is going to say that? Probably nobody. But even if they do,
you're still going to respond with "Okay." or Okay. See, your tone might change but
you accept it. You accept their response. This is so powerful. I got to tell you
about a client of mine whose son was verbally abusing her. This is a young
adult son still living at home and he is just popping off with some of the most
disrespectful stuff you can imagine toward his mother. Okay, that gets me a
little fired up because she deserves respect, doesn't she? Yeah. Just like you
do, just like every citizen of planet Earth deserves to be treated with
respect. So, I went over the 3 steps of how to handle a sniper with her. She
was a little skeptical. She wasn't sure that her son would respond to this
favorably. Here's how it played out. She told him, "Son, when you say that, I
feel disrespected. Is that what you were going for?" And then he pops off with more
disrespectful stuff like, "Oh, mom. You're just too hypersensitive. You've been
talking to that shrink again, haven't you? He's not doing you any good at all." Threw
me right under the bus. She was cool. She just totally rolled with it. She did not
respond to his antagonizing her at all after that. She simply went to step 3.
Accept. She said, "Okay." Now she wasn't sure that it
even made a difference because he kind of stormed off. And he's like, "Whatever."
Right? But she had put him on notice. And this is so psychologically powerful
because her message to him was, "Look, you don't get to treat me that way. And when
you do, I will call you on it." Now, she didn't say that but that's what
she communicated to him. And she came in about a week later to visit with me and
said, "You know what Dr. Paul? It worked." I didn't think it was working at first. But
he stopped doing what he was doing before. Saying those disrespectful things
to her. Powerful. I love those 3 steps. Real quick as a review, identify. "When
this happens, I feel that." Verify, "Is that what you were after?" And accept, "Okay."
Powerful. You've got this. Everyone deserves respect including you. If you
would like some assistance with this coaching, it's a really powerful option to
get someone in your corner. If you're looking for a fantastic coach that can
help you with the principal-based approach to problems like this, visit
liveonpurpose.coach. Where you'll find coaches who are certified in
the principles that we talked about hearing the channels. I hope that you
found this helpful. I'll be back tomorrow. See you then.