- Of course, every race has its racist, awful people.
The problem is we keep comparing the worst 10% of one race
with like the best 10% of another race.
Right, which is obviously a mistake.
Because what we should be doing
is we should be getting the worst 10% of every race.
And comparing that.
So we can figure out which is the worst race.
In fact, you know what?
Fuck it. Let's do it right now.
Yeah, let's do it right now.
Let's figure out which is the worst race.
Right now, okay?
You guys up for it?
- Yeah. - All right, okay, cool.
On three, I want you to shout out which race
you think is the worst.
All right, Okay.
No, don't worry, we'll all do it together.
We'll all do it together.
I'll join in, of course, I'll join in.
Right, don't worry.
This is a comedy show.
This is a safe space.
We asked you to put your phones away
for this moment right now.
Now it's the time to let it out.
This is it, don't barrel it up and go crazy outside.
Let's lay out now.
Let the demons out now, all right?
You don't even have to be specific, okay?
Just shout the color.
Guys, we all know what the answer's gonna be.
Who are we fooling here?
All right, okay.
On three, worst race, on three, okay?
One...
This is happening!
Whether you join in or not.
You might as well say something!
Even if you don't believe it.
Just as a creative exercise.
Just lay it out.
It's like speaking in tongues.
Just go.
All right, okay, on three.
Okay, worst race, on three.
All right?
Okay, one, worst race.
Two, three.
If you said anything, you're the worst 10% of your race.
That was fucking disgusting.
Bunch of god damned racists
coming to my show in New York City.
Completely missing the point of that joke.
Yeah, it's been great meeting
the different types of Americans as well.
Think of every other different races, different ethnicities,
different cities, all different people.
Of all the Americans I've met,
I think African Americans have got to be the coolest race
of them all, all right?
So they're the coolest.
Everything they do is just cooler.
Everything they touch, it's just smoother, right?
Sports, science, music, presidencies, right?
Everything they do.
They got the swag.
Black people have the swag.
You cannot deny the swag.
Black people have the swag.
Even white supremacists are like, "Yeah, they have swag."
It's undeniable coolness.
Black people are so cool.
They can own their own racial slur.
Okay, that's how cool they are.
No other minority in America is cool
enough to own their own slur.
You never see Chinese people walking around
just going, "Hey yo, hey, yo, my chinks.
"Yo, where my chinks at?
"Yo holler at me, chinks.
"My chinks."
Hey, stay yellow my fellows, what?
Sounds awful.
It's like nails on a chalkboard.
My chinks, my chinks, my chinks!
Think outside of America, we think
of America as like a monolith, right?
Like America, Americans, like one entity.
Right, but you live here long enough,
you realize it's such a big country.
Every state is like its own nation unto itself.
Their own cuisine, their own way of talking,
their own values, their own flags.
Right, that's why there's so much division here.
It's all these different countries trying to federate
and become so obvious once you start living here
you can tell the difference between the different types
of Americans, the different energies, right?
From East coast to West coast.
It's so obvious, you can call it out.
Like East coast Americans, super intense.
Right, West coast, everyone calms the fuck down a bit.
Yeah, it's like the East coast of America.
Everyone's still fighting the British.
It's like they never got over it.
America is like, the whole world is in trouble.
Let's use everything we've ever learned.
Our entire knowledge base.
Every resource at our disposal.
Every immigrant who ever got a PhD.
Every local born PhD student, let's combine forces
and create this miracle mRNA vaccine in under a year.
And we did it and it fucking works.
And fuck you, we're not gonna take it.
Fuck you, we're not taking that shit!
We're not taking that.
You take it.
We're not take it, you take it.
Oh, what?
You want it?
Oh, you want it?
Oh, fuck that, we're not gonna give it to you.
We're gonna throw it in the river.
The river.
Go suck it up from the river.
Suck it, suck my dick.
Fuck you and fuck us.
Oh, what?
What, does it work?
Oh my God.
It works like a charm.
It's like a 90% efficacy.
It blows all simulations out of the water.
But fuck that shit, we're not taking it.
Fuck you and fuck us.
That is the most American shit ever.
Yeah, like I said, I used to live in Australia.
I started doing comedy in Australia.
Australia was always very good to me.
My wife is Australian and I love my wife a lot.
I love my wife so much, I married her three times.
That's right, I married the same woman three separate times.
Why?
Because when you have Asian parents
you have to get married in every fucking country
you have relatives in.
Because Asian parents have to brag, okay?
And I know every parent has to brag.
I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone.
I'm just saying Asian parents also have to brag.
And like weddings is how they do it.
So we had to get married three times.
So the first wedding we had in Melbourne, Australia
because my wife is from Melbourne, Australia.
Then we got married in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.
Even though I'm not from Kuala Lumpur!
But who gives a fuck what the groom wants?
Let's just find the nearest landmark in Malaysia
everyone can pronounce with the most direct flights.
And then we got married in New York for green card purposes.
So three very romantic weddings
for the right reasons, chain migration.
And let me tell you something.
Let me speak from the heart here for just one minute.
If you take nothing else away from the show
here tonight, please just hear me now.
Okay, I'm speaking from personal experience here.
There are fewer joys you will experience in life,
than organizing three weddings at the same time.
Oh my God.
It's so much fun and so easy to do.
I highly recommend it.
So like whenever I bring up another country
to my American friends, my American friends will always
bring up the one fact, they read one time
on the back of a Snapple cap.
And they just throw it back at you.
And they try to use it to paint the entire history
of your civilization with like whatever half remembered,
back of the brain stem, regurgitated fact,
they can just flick it from this part
to like this part as quickly as possible, right?
Just spit it out.
Like when I tell my American friends,
like I grew up in Singapore,
they're always like, "Singapore?
"You grew up in Singapore?
"They cane people in Singapore.
"Right? Like in Singapore, if you spit gum on the floor,
"someone just runs up immediately behind you
"and just canes you in your ass."
And I'm like,
"Yeah..."
So don't fucking do that shit.
What is it?
Some kind innate need of yours?
To visit other people's countries and spit gum on the floor.
In which case, please do not visit Singapore
because they will cane you on your fucking face.
And like some Americans are like outraged by that.
The thought of grown men being caned
on the ass for being a dick.
It's like outrageous to them.
But what's funny is you ask any American,
especially any New Yorker, what they would do
if a guest came into their home and spit gum on the floor.
They would be like, "We would beat the fuck out of them."
I'm like, "Yeah, that's what we do in Singapore."
We just outsourced the ass kicking to the government.
Becomes a more cost efficient punishment
for everyone involved.
That's why we pay our taxes.
My first week in New York,
I was on this crowded subway train.
And it was packed, all the way to the doors.
I'm on the train and it's packed
all the way to the doors
and the doors start closing in front of me.
And as the doors start closing, this guy like walks up
to the closing train doors and just jams his fingers.
Just right into the door.
No regard for his limbs or appendages.
Like his need to get on this train
exceeded his need to grip things.
He did a cost benefit analysis in his head
and he was like, "You know what, this is overrated.
"Who needs this motion?
"Who needs this point of articulation?
"Let's get on this train, my life will be perfect."
So just creates enough of a gap to start fighting.
And he fights this train for eight seconds.
He just fights it to a stalemate.
It's a judge's decision.
He can't move, the train can't move.
No one can move.
And after eight seconds he gets like tired.
He starts gassing out.
So he uses his head to jam up the door.
Like a door stop.
As he like readjusts his grip, right?
He starts chalk up his hands for round two.
And I'm standing there just facing
the top of his oily scalp.
Just thinking, yo man, just let it go, all right?
I'm new in town.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you
or if we're both gonna get arrested.
Okay, I don't know the social etiquette in this situation.
All I know is there's a train in three minutes.
That shit will never fly in Malaysia.
Where I'm from in Malaysia, you stick your hand in the door,
the doors close, you get dragged for like a mile.
Right, you get brought to your knees by the system.
As the train runs over you,
it starts going after your family, right?
You start like bleeding out on the tracks.
The door's open.
We all walk over your dead corpse.
Yeah, that's what you get you dumb fuck.
Not in America.
In America one, man can stop the entire train line.
Because everyone can make a difference.
I was walking down West 4th street in Manhattan,
in New York City, minding my own business.
Not looking at my phone, actually paying attention
to the world around me during the pandemic.
Just trying to get some fresh air.
Actually having a nice night.
I was walking down the street in Manhattan,
looking around and out of nowhere,
this woman walks right up to me,
grabs me on the throat and just starts squeezing.
So like I throw her off and then she squares up.
And then I look at her and I just walk away.
And that's like a normal interaction in New York.
Neither of us said a word.
The entire time we didn't even make a sound.
We didn't review each other,
because we both knew what was going on.
We both knew what that whole thing was about.
I looked at her and I was like,
Oh you crazy?
Just like everyone on the internet.
All right, see you later crazy.
I didn't engage and I walked away.
And then she looked at me and she was like,
"Oh, this is not a man who's gonna
"fight a woman on the street.
"See you later, man."
Then we just went separate ways.
And that was the end of it.
And I still respect that woman more
than these fucking Twitter Yelp reviewing bloggers.
Because she was unhappy about something in her life.
She got off her ass and did something about it.
She didn't just sit behind a keyboard
tweeting with her balls.
Critiquing other people's creations
without making anything for themselves.
Like a bunch of parasites eating the host.
No, she didn't like Asian people.
She went and committed a hate crime.
And I can respect that.
That's proactive.
It's gone to a point where you can flunk
out of med school, very next day review doctors.
Doesn't make any sense.
Everybody reviewing everything
like their experts, people reviewing comedy.
Can you imagine that?
Who the fuck reviews comedy?
So what the fuck do you know about it?
Ever been on stage in your life?
Try to tell me how to do my job.
That's like me going to a maternity ward
in a hospital and giving women tips on how to give birth.
Yeah, what kind of fucking asshole would
go into a maternity ward and just look for women in labor.
Just go, "Hey, you really should be
"pushing harder during childbirth.
"You don't look like you're pushing
"hard enough during childbirth.
"I think you're relying too much
"on your ethnic background during childbirth.
"Oh, the C-section, that's a real lazy form of childbirth."
"Two stars."
It's also not my job to teach you
how to fucking do comedy, all right?
If you wanna find out how to do this,
you go do an open mic multiple times a night
for the next decade.
And you come and tell me, all right?
If you think there's no artistry to this,
if you think it's just about saying offensive shit,
or never saying anything offensive, whatever
then you fucking go do it.
You do it and you tell me.