Today was day two
of President Trump's visit to the U.K.
And last night, the world's cutest White Walker,
Her Majesty, the Queen, hosted an official state dinner
in honor of Trump's favorite thing: himself.
MAN: The president's first day ending in grand fashion
with a dinner at Buckingham Palace, surrounded by royalty,
the very best China, crystal, and gilded silver on display
for the president and 170 other guests.
The president praising the queen.
A great, great woman.
MAN: But possibly breaking royal protocol
when appearing to touch her back as she stood up.
When he put his hand on the back of Her Majesty Queen...
You just don't touch the queen!
"That's right. You... you just don't touch the queen!
You don't touch the queen!"
These people need to calm the (bleep) down, all right?
Donald was just being nice.
If Trump really wanted to break protocol,
I don't think he'd be touching the queen's back.
(laughter, groaning)
You guys need to calm down.
Plus, I think England takes it too far
with the whole breaking-protocol of the queen thing.
Like, there's so many different rules,
random rules about being around royalty.
Like, for instance, did you guys know
that you're not allowed to turn your back on the queen?
Yeah. That's crazy.
So everyone is just, like, backing up out of rooms,
like bumping into statues on the way out.
(laughter)
It almost makes it seem like
the queen is a grisly beer or something.
(with British accent): "Just, if you turn your back to her,
"she'll attack, all right?
"Also, don't leave any garbage around.
She'll get into it."
Here's one of the crazier ones. Here's...
That's a rule that asking the queen personal questions
is strictly forbidden. Yeah.
Which I bet they only put in place, because otherwise,
someone might look at the queen and just be like,
"What exactly do you do here anyway?
Like, why am I paying taxes for to you live in a palace?"
So, look, man,
I don't think Trump touching the queen was offensive.
What was offensive was Trump's outfit for the big dinner.
(laughter)
I mean, people, what's with this tuxedo?
(laughter)
How can a man have access to the nuclear codes
but not a tailor, huh?
(laughter)
What is this?
(cheers and applause)
What... what is that?
Like, I knew Robert Pattinson was picked to be the new Batman,
but now I guess we also know who's gonna play the Penguin.
What is that outfit?!
(laughter)
And while Trump spent the evening
being embraced by the royal family,
there was a... there was a whole different kind of party
going on outside the next day.
MAN: This morning across London, large protests
against a president who's deeply unpopular here.
Thousands spilling into the streets of London.
WOMAN: Some Brits are making clear their dislike of him.
The giant, side-by-side projection of his
and former president Barack Obama's U.K. approval ratings.
Or the U.S.S. McCain hat.
We saw a return of the so-called "Baby Blimp Trump."
That's a large version of Donald Trump,
an inflatable one of him, uh, in a diaper.
-(laughter) -Oh, wow.
Man, British protestors are no joke.
Tens of thousands protesting Trump,
and this was in the rain.
Which I know to them is a summer day,
-but that's not the point. -(laughter)
And you know what's really interesting about Britain
is that even conservative British people don't like Trump.
It's really strange. Like, I'm talking about, like,
pro-Brexit people who share many of his views.
They'll be like, "There's too many bloody immigrants.
It's time to shut down our borders."
And you'll be like, "So you guys like Trump?"
"Oh, God, no, not him, not him, no, no, no.
He's the worst immigrant of all."
Now, obviously, British protestors
are taking to the streets to make Trump feel unwelcome
in the UK, but for Trump, protests are like Eric--
he just pretends they don't exist.
As far as the protests, I have to tell you...
even coming over today,
there were thousands of people cheering.
And then I heard that there were protests. I said,
"Where are the protests?" I don't see any protests.
I did see a small protest today when I came. Very small.
So a lot of it is fake news.
-(laughter, shouts, groans) -Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Trump is adorable, man. Come on, huh?
'Cause, like, he doesn't go with one excuse--
he gives you all of them, and you can pick which one
you like best. Huh?
He's like, "The people were cheering.
"I see no protest. I saw a small protest,
"but it was a fake protest, and I didn't see it,
-I didn't see it." -(laughter)
(applause, cheering)
Now...
contrary... contrary to what the president said,
the protests were not small, okay?
It's estimated that tens of thousands of people
marched in the streets, which is not small.
Like, how does Trump always get this wrong?
Right? First his inauguration and now this?
It's almost like Trump is dyslexic
-but just for crowd sizes. -(laughter)
And also for words.
And here's the thing, people in the UK weren't just protesting
because they hate Trump, all right?
They're also against the potential UK-US trade deal
which would bring American insurers
into Britain's health care system, which they don't want.
And so today, President Trump was asked about this
in a press conference, and, uh, his answer
wasn't exactly reassuring.
MAN: Do you agree with your ambassador
that the entire economy needs to be on the table
in a future trade talk... a trade deal, including the NHS?
I think we're going to have a great trade deal, yes.
I think we're going to have
a great and very comprehensive trade deal.
Look, I think everything with the trade deal is on the table.
When you... when you're dealing in trade,
everything's on the table.
So NHS or anything else.
Or a lot... a lot more than that.
But everything will be on the table, absolutely.
Okay. Obviously, Trump has no clue what they're talking about.
-(laughter) -And he's doing a good job of hiding it.
He's just like, "Look, everything's on the table.
"NHS. NHL. DTF. All on the table.
It's all there, all there on the table."
I mean, Theresa May had to straight-up give him the answer.
In fact, now that she's leaving office,
maybe that could be her next job.
Yeah. Just standing next to President Trump,
wherever he goes, explaining shit to him, you know?
Just be like, "The G7 is an alliance
"of international superpowers.
"Uh, that woman is the prime minister of New Zealand.
"Uh, that's a salad. Yes.
(laughter)
It's... it's made of vegetables."
(as Trump): "Vegetables? What are those?"
(as May): "Uh, um, you know McDonald's fries?"
(as Trump): "Yeah, I love those."
(as May): "It's-it's the 'before.'"
(as Trump): "So the mommy of the fries..."
(as May): "Yes, it's the mommy. It's the mommy of the fries."
(as Trump): "Wow! I love it!"