- Who would have imagined?
Like if you went to a psychic two years ago
and they told you
"Bill Cosby will be in jail
and O.J. will be out.
(audience laughs)
You would say
"give me my fucking money back.
You don't know what you're talking about.
That's impossible."
(audience laughs)
But here we are.
I read an article where O.J. said he wants to be a preacher.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, that shit made me laugh too.
Because if O.J. preach
he'd have to preach the 9 commandments, okay.
(audience laughs)
That mother fucker don't know all 10, come on.
(audience laughs)
He don't know all 10.
(audience laughs)
Anybody got a friend
that always got negative shit to say?
To the point where you almost try to avoid them?
Yes.
Ooh, let's talk about them mother fuckers.
(audience laughs)
Just people that
you know, you could say "hi" first,
and "beautiful day out,"
but they start conversation with
"you know who got chlamydia?"
You know, stop it, stop.
(audience laughs)
What the fuck you bring that to me for?
You know?
But he said to me,
out of the blue,
"Yo, man, I didn't know O.J. didn't like you, bro."
And I'm like "what?"
This is the butcher of Brentwood you're talking about, okay.
Don't tell me this mother fucker don't like me.
Somebody who's been accused of cutting off heads and shit.
Don't tell me this mother fucker don't like me.
Now that's in me.
I can't stop thinking about that now.
(audience laughs)
I went
to Vegas.
And apparently O.J. lives in Nevada now.
Okay, I walk in a restaurant with my girl
after my show we go to have a steak
and I see her, and then I go to the bathroom
cause I'm over 50.
(audience laughs)
Some of you know what I mean.
You have to pee all the fucking time
when you're over 50.
There are times when I pee
and then I'm washing my hands
and I say "hey, I have to pee again."
(audience laughs)
Where did that pee come from, man?
I don't need a prostate check,
I should speak to Penn and Teller about this.
The pee just reappeared.
So anyway, I see her
and I'm headed to the bathroom.
By the way, don't you hate
when bathrooms make us play gender Jeopardy?
Can't you just put men and women on the door?
We don't need to guess what the fuck this is,
and what the garment is.
I've gone to bathrooms and it's like
an Amish bonnet and a wave cap.
I don't want to guess. (audience laughs)
I have to pee.
I don't want to guess which is the brother's bathroom.
You ever go to a game or something
and be in the bathroom next to your son?
I've been to a Dodger game where my son
is in the stall next to me.
And, right before I started peeing, it's like
"Hey, I think Seabiscuit just came into his stall."
It's like (sound effect) I mean it
Just peeing and tearing the fucking urinal up, you know.
I see white dust flying and shit.
Right? I still haven't peed.
There's porcelain going over my stall.
I see the words American Standard fly that way
and I'm like "wow, that's how my dick used to be,
that's how my dick was at one time."
And then he finishes, you know.
And I say bloop bloop bloop bloop.
(audience laughs)
But I'll be back.
(audience laughs)
I digress.
I'm going to the bathroom, and
I think when you fear something
it finds you in life.
Just as I go to push open the door,
the door opens and it's O.J.
And I'm standing like this,
and all the shit you said you was going to say
if you saw him.
You know I'd just ask that mother fucker
"What up, killa, what up?"
(audience laughs)
I didn't say none of that shit.
I'm going to tell you all exactly what I did.
My hand was like this and I said
"Oooh, Juice."
(audience laughs)
That's exactly what I did.
I don't know what the fuck got into me.
(audience laughs)
I've never said "Oooh, Juice" in my life.
I've been in Jamba and not said "Oooh, juice."
(audience laughs)
He scared the shit out of me.
I went from Arsenio Hall to RuHall.