Have you ever wondered what goes on behind the scenes with a marriage counselor?
Secrets of a marriage counselor. These are the top three strategies to save your marriage.
H,i I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a clinical psychologist and I'm going to shoot straight with you about the
top three things that you can do right now to save your marriage. These three strategies are based in
solid psychological principles and relationship dynamics. Over 30 years of clinical experience
these things have remained true everywhere that I've seen them or observed them. Most couples
who come to my office are desperately looking for some way to change their spouse. They know
what needs to change and it's right over there. It's that person that I'm married to
they need to do this or that differently and they're convinced that they're right.
This is one of the psychological pitfalls that we run into in a relationship. My buddy Brett Williams
wrote a book called, "You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married", and his title is brilliant because
we come into it with this destructive pride that has us knowing that we're right and we
know that the problem is right over there. That is the problem. Keep that in mind as we get into these
three strategies that you can apply right now. Strategy number one, don't be a bear. Picture this
for a minute, we're out walking through the hills just enjoying this nice weather that
we're having, having a little hike and suddenly a big angry bear comes out from behind a tree.
Wants to rip your face off. Just check in with that for a minute. What would happen to your heart?
Start pounding very fast and hard. Your breathing would get kind of rapid and shallow, like that.
You'd feel a little funny. Your palms might sweat. You would have a reaction that we call the fight
or flight response. This is a natural defensive strategy that your brain automatically kicks
into anytime you feel threatened. So go back to the strategy, why did I say it that way?
Don't be a bear. That has everything to do with the way you show up and I have
heard so many people who have a legitimate concern about what's going on in the marriage
who approach it with their eyebrows furrowed and with this look on their face that...
They're being a bear. They're approaching it in a way that is triggering a natural
defensive response in their spouse and then they wonder, why is that person getting so defensive
and they wonder why are they reacting to me the way that they are? Well, check your eyebrows, check
your tone of voice, check your body posture and the body language that you're sending, take a
look at the words you're using. Are you being a bear? Could you possibly be perceived as a threat
right now? There's a reason why this is the number one strategy for saving your marriage. Hey, before
i share the next two strategies with you. Take a minute to subscribe. This is important because
we're not going to cover it all in one video. Heads up this channel is the free version of what some
people pay a lot of money to get. So, subscribe right now to stay connected. Strategy number two,
don't see a bear. Wait, what? Yeah, don't see a bear. How many times are you reacting in defensive
ways because you think that your spouse is a threat? Are you married to a bear? Please don't
answer that too quickly. Because if you jump right in you're being like, "Oh yeah, there's", no... you are
married to a human being, a beautiful human being whom you chose. You picked this person out. You
chose them, they chose you. Is this true? I know and there's stories that kick into our head, "If I
knew then what I know now", you didn't. You know what you knew then and you made a good choice. So let's
go back to that. There are good reasons why you got together in the first place. This is a human
being who has real feelings, who has a history, this is not a bear. But there's a little part of your
brain that doesn't know the difference. If they look like a bear if they're acting like a bear.
There's a little part of your brain that's going to kick in and see a bear and react accordingly.
This is powerful you guys. If you can track your own emotional responses well enough to see,
"Hey, I'm seeing a bear here in a person that I love", let's get back to the person that you love. This is
not a threat. This is someone that you want to see as a loving human being and you get to choose that.
How you see them is up to you. Now, how they act is up to them. But even if they're acting like a
bear try to see through that and see the person that you love, that will make all the difference.
One of the things that I've seen clinically is that there there's a division. It's like
me against you, It's like us against them. That there are different sides, choose up sides, pick
sides. In my mind there is only one side and that side is in support of this couple this family and
I have a bias toward that. I don't get to choose whether people are going to stay together or not.
But I have a strong bias toward that and so in my mind there is only one side. Nobody is
going to come to me for marriage coaching or counseling and experience that I'm going to
pick sides because there is only one side. Let's see if we can see it that way. Strategy number two,
don't see a bear. Strategy number three and this is probably the hardest one but it's
also one of the more effective ones. It's really important to don't be a bear and don't see a bear.
You can see why that's important. Here's the third strategy, you get to change first.
I know and this won't come as a surprise to you because you probably already have come to terms
with the fact that you're going to have to make some changes in order for this to be any better.
It's hard to go there sometimes because we're already so convinced that our spouse
needs to change something and there's a good chance that they will change along with you.
But probably not before. Now, because you're watching this video it's on you. Find out
what you need to change next. There's nine principles that I use in my coaching with couples
that they can always turn to. The first of those is positivity and I'll just share that one with
you right up front. What can you do to take a more positive approach? The second principle is values.
Get clear about the values the purpose for this thing in the first place. I do this occasionally
professionally and also in my relationships where I have to take a little retreat. Go back
to the core reasons why I'm doing what I'm doing and get clear about those values. Now that's only
the first two of those nine principles but I want to give you a sense that there's always something
you can do regardless of whether your spouse is ready to change. Whether your spouse is
willing to change or if they ever even get engaged in a process to improve this marriage.
You can improve this marriage by your application of those principles to which I'm referring
it's guaranteed. So get working on that that's strategy number three, you get to change first.
Everything that you do to improve your marriage, helps your family, helps your kids.
The most important thing you can do for positive parenting is to build a sturdy
family culture. We've created a video just for you about that click on that video next.
Come over and see what you can do to create that family culture that you're working on.