*Australian Crawl - "The Boys Light Up" playing*
We start the episode in a nice warm room
Ah, fuck
That didn't last long
Tormund shares a listicle on how to stop your balls from freezing
Gendry talks about being sexually abused by Melisandre
And Jon tries to give Longclaw to Jorah
But he's like: "Now you don't have a sword"
"I have my fists"
"Don't be a dickhead"
Seriously, it was a dodgy idea
Arya accuses Sansa of getting their dad killed
She presents her flimsy as fuck evidence
Sansa is like: "Oh, you have got some bloody nerve, you little judgemental arrogant shit!"
Even in sub-zero weather, Tormund can still get a stiffy thinking about Brienne
Beric and Jon laugh about how they can't die
And the Hound metaphorically points to his brother
Dany misses her boyfriends, and wants to go out night-clubbing
Tyrion tells her she needs to start thinking about her future
The Friday work drinks turns into a big fucking argument
Meanwhile, Thoros has a go at fighting an undead flaming bear
He then says: "I really loved this mission"
Jon's like: "These spare pricks were fucking useless"
Sansa has been Littlefinger-ed a few times in the past
And she could get Littlefinger-ed again, if she's not careful here
Thoros tells Jorah: "I really loved this mission"
Such a top attitude!
There's a White Walker with 20 good dead men
He's probably on a mission to steal a human
Jon-o and the Fellowship charges in to pick a fight
There's some bloody hammer time
A flaming sword
Jorah needs to lift his game
Jon-o turns this wanker into a bag of ice cubes!
And all his minions explode and die
Except this little fella
He gets bullied
He's like: "Help! Someone help!"
Luckily, he has the best mates
Team Jon-o shits their dacks and starts running away
Oh, Gendry also buggers off to call in back-up
One of the spare pricks falls on the ice and breaks it
So I'm giving him credit for all of these kills
Unfortunately, they do end up in a pickle
Run Gendry, run!
He makes it into the loving arms of Davos
who yells: "Email the dragons!"
Jorah's thinking: "Could be worse, I could be a rock"
Thoros is like: "I really loved this mission"
Beric says: "Why don't we just go kill the boss man, and then we could all go home, Bob's your uncle?"
"Ye fucking think I haven't thought of that?"
Back where everyone has central heating, Sansa tells Brienne to bugger off
Arya also keeps mind-fucking her to the point she's probably thinking:
"Even getting Littlefinger-ed isn't as bad as this bullshit"
Dany has put on her winter outfit
She fires up the dragons and heads into battle
Day 53: It looks like we're about to see a shit fight
Yup, it is hammer time!
Jon-o gets a kill
Jorah scores a point
Sonic BOOM
Yoga flame
Hyah!
Superb
Excellent
Outstanding
Ah fuck me dead, where's Dany?
Thousand-and-one!
Thousand-and-two!
Lookout, Jon-o
Think of Brienne
Think of Brienne, mate!
Oh, no worries, the Hound has got ya
Another spare prick bites the dust
Slow-mo face
Jorah does the best one
Suddenly, they hear someone yell:
"BARBECUE!"
AND THE ARMY OF THE DEAD GETS ROASTED!
This is a massive cook-up!
look at Jon-o, he loves it
Dany says: "Come with me, if you want to live"
Jon's like: "Hang on, let me show you some of my moves"
He does some pretty cool moves
But then the Night's King yells:
"POPSICLE!"
And Viserion gets fucked on!
Dragon down!
Oh no, Jon-o down!
Jon-o down!
And JORAH DOWN!
JORA- Oh no, he's good
He's alright
Yeah nah, Jon-o is good too
Uncle Benjen gives him a horse, and he makes into the loving arms of Davos
Dany checks out his awesome scars and six-pack
Later on, they have a deep and meaningful chat about how they're gonna help each other out
Fuck yes, Jon-o and Dany, fuck yes!
Finally, the Night's King does his favourite party trick
And Viserion is reborn as a frosty wanker
*"The Breaking of the Fellowship" playing*
*Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs - "Most People I Know" playing*
Yeah, look, that mission turned out okay
Considering it was a dodgy mission
This episode was a fucking roller coaster
I was a bit worried for some reason it was gonna be a shit episode
But the second half was incredible
I dunno, I kinda put my finger on it
At 70 minutes long, and having a couple of days to digest it
I think it's a real surprise packet
He does hold up well as a whole
I gotta give Most Valuable Player to Emilia Clarke
This scene between her and Jon-o at the end where she's in pain, as a mother, due to the loss of Viserion
is fair dinkum gold
I think the reason this scene has such an emotional punch
is due to the character building blocks in the previous three episodes
I've enjoyed all of the Jon and Dany scenes
And even though, the pacing of this season feels lightning fast
I think the main A-grade characters are still getting enough screen time to sink their teeth into some juicy dilemmas
I'm very worried as to how things are gonna pan out between Tyrion and Dany
Although his plans have gone to shit, his intentions and instincts have been on point, when you think about it
You could never just rock up to King's Landing, and immediately start a barbecue
Too many people would have been triggered due to the Targaryen barbecues from the past
So, yeah nah, I love all of the Dany scenes this week
Maybe the episode was lacking suspense, because it was predictable all along she would save the day
But m'yeah, once the stand-off ended, I did enjoy this shit fight
I loved the Night King took out a dragon and respawned it
I was worried the army was a bit of a joke
I think
And maybe that's why I thought early on, the episode could fall apart
This whole powerful army that Jon bangs on about
was struggling to kill a few blokes
But then, by the end, you do have to wonder if the Night King wanted Jon-o and the gang to be trapped
Was it his plan to lure Daenerys near ground level, and steal her dragons?
How much do they know about who is on the other side of the wall?
Yeah, the final taste in my mouth, is that they're not to be underestimated
The banter between Tormund and the Hound was on a whole other level this week
Like, double 0 agent level of fucking professional banter
I hope Arya is acting
We know Littlefinger can have places bugged
He loves a peephole
Loves a secret peephole
She has what it takes to be a good actor, from her time in Braavos
I hope she's not being a dumbass
I feel like handing Sansa Littlefinger's dagger could have been a signal
Like: "Blink twice if you're having me on with how judgemental you're being, sister"
"Bloody blink twice"
The handing over of the dagger could have been Arya blinking twice
The episode is called "Beyond the Wall"
And if you're dedicated to truth, if you wanna see truth in its 100% purest form
You have to be willing to look beyond a bloody wall
These fellers are on a mission to prove that the army of the Dead is true
Some of them find truth in religion
Truth in unrequited love
Truth in owning your past's mistakes
It's a quest for fucking truth
Sansa and Arya have a wall between them as well
Either Arya needs to see beyond the wall, and the truth is that Sansa is not an enemy
Or Sansa needs to see beyond the wall, and that Arya is helping her snuff out Littlefinger once and for all
Tyrion is struggling to see beyond the wall, as to whether or not Dany truthfully wants to break the wheel
And she can't see if he honestly wants to overthrow his family
Absolute truth is a hard thing to pin down and hold on to
And that's what this episode was about
For me, anyways
Oh, and Benjen could have gotten on that horse
Likely I could have gotten on the door in Titanic
Benjen could have done it
[Outro Music - "Most people I know" - Billy Thorpe"]