Friar: Madame, what did the light show?
Expostulation.
But surely only a preamble, I trust?
Impressive, isn't he?
A friar dedicated to poverty, begging.
Do you he's even been known to stump
up a girl's dowery out of his own pocket so she can get married nice and quick?
It seems the church has got its hands on all the
serious studs. [inaudible]
Wife of Bath: That's why wives end up like church's candles.
Summoner: What's all this?
What a [inaudible].
You don't like it. Why don't you boil your bum?
He hauls people off to court, a summoner by rank.
Summoner: Oi, what's a fly got in common with a friar?
They both got their snounts in your lunch.
[laughing]
Friar: I'll a story or two about summoners, then we'll
see who snickers.
Wife of Bath: If nobody minds, Sir Friar.
Friar: We'd be honored.
Wife of Bath: Thank you.
Summoner: [belches]
Wife of Bath: Back in the good old days of King Arthur there was
spirits everywhere you looked.
Nowadays with all the friars going 'round, they're all gone.
At King Arthur's court there was
a strong, lusty, knight bachelor, and one day
he was riding down by the river.
He was all alone
and he saw this virgin lass.
[screams]
[neighing]
Of course there was an absolute outcry.
Arthur gave him over to Guinevere.
She should choose whether to save his blood, or spill it.
Guinevere: I'll spare you if you can tell us
what do women most desire?
Wife of Bath: But can the knight speak up?
Guinevere: An answer to that will keep
your neck bone safe from this hard iron.
Knight: [stammering, whimpering]
I don't know.
Guinevere: I suppose if you can't tell us now
we'll let you have twelve months and a day.
Go!
Wife of Bath: He went to every door in every town
where he could hope to unearth the answer, but everyone had a different idea.
Knight: Could you tell me what does a woman most desire?
Man: Her place in society.
Knight: My good man, what do women most desire?
Man: Money.
Fancy clothes.
A real good singing to. [laughing]
Wife of Bath: The day had come that he must turn homeward.
His spirit was broken. His hopes bitter ashes.
His route took him through a forest, and there
he saw four and twenty dancing ladies.
Knight: Maybe they'll have the answer.
Maybe.
[gasps]
Old Woman: No way through here, sir.
Tell us what you're looking for.
Knight: What do women most desire?
If you can tell, I'll make it worth your while.
Old Woman: Give your oath you'll do the
very next thing I'll ask of you, and before
sunset you'll have your answer.
Knight: My oath! You have it. Anything.
Old Woman: Your life is safe.
Listen.
[crowd chatting, laughing]
Guinevere: Silence!
Well?
Knight: My Lady Queen.
Apparently women desire sovereignty over husband and lover.
They desire the upper hand at all times.
Now do with me as you will!
Wife of Bath: None of them, not wife, nor virgin, or widow, could argue with that.
He had his life.
Old Woman: Sovereign Lady Queen?
I gave him that answer.
In return he swore he'd do the first thing I asked.
Take me as your wife.
[crowd laughing]
Knight: Take all my worldly goods, if you must.
Let my body alone!
Old Woman: I want to be your wife, and your love.
Knight: My love? My damnation!
Sovereign, should someone of my rank be brought so low?
Wife of Bath: He had no choice but to marry her.
To take the old woman into his bed.
And as for all the rejoicing, and all the arrangements for the wedding feast, there wasn't any.
No joy. No feast.
He became her husband in a private ceremony, and spent the day
hidden like an owl.
Old Woman: Darling husband, are all Arthur's knights
so hard to please?
I saved your life. What have I done wrong?
Tell me. I'll change.
Knight: Change! Wonderful. Change?
You're so hideous, so old, and so common.
Old Woman: I can try, if only you'd behave
a little more courteously to me.
Knight: Are you surprised at me?
Old Woman: All your talk of nobility. Arrogance!
The man who attempts the noblest deeds, he's the noblest man.
Knight: You will always be old. Always ugly.
Old Woman: Then you need never fear a rival.
You have a choice.
Plane and old, but your faithful, obedient wife.
Or young and beautiful, and danger whenever
friends visit our house.
Whatever you prefer.
Knight: [exclaims]
I put myself in your hands.
Whatever you want, my wife, pleases me.
Old Woman: Do I have the upper hand then?
Do I make all the choices? All decisions?
Knight: That is best.
Old Woman: No more arguments.
I will be beautiful and true.
Look at me.
Kiss me.
[both laughing]
Wife of Bath: May Christ send us all husbands as meek, and young, and hard
and the grace to break them.
Man: I should say so. And a swift exit for those who won't be broken.
Man 2: Well, I'll give a barrel of ale to have my wife
hear that story. Talk about upper hand? [laughs]