(acoustic guitar intro)
- Good evening, welcome to Set List,
stand-up without a net, live at Nerdmelt!
(audience applauds and cheers)
Yes!
This is not like any other stand-up comedy show.
Any other stand-up comedy show,
comedians will give you material
they've honed, they've worked,
they've perfected, they've crafted.
We here at Set List say "fuck the comfort zone!"
We are going to give them their setlist items,
and they're going to appear on that screen,
and they and you will see them
for the first time simultaneously.
Folks, we have a very special guest who just dropped in.
Will you welcome, please, the never-before-seen setlist,
of Mr. Mark Wahlberg!
(audience applauds and cheers)
(acoustic guitar intro music continues)
- How you guys doin', you doin' good?
(audience laughs and applauds)
Before I do this I just wanna tell you guys somethin'.
(audience laughs)
You're welcome.
(audience laughs and applauds)
A lot of people are like, "Mark, you don't do comedy?"
And I was like, "I am gonna do fuckin' comedy."
(audience laughs and claps)
You guys wanna do this?
(audience cheers affirmatively)
I know you wanted to, and you're welcome.
(audience laughs)
You guys ever tour in the 90's?
(audience laughs and claps)
And I remember one time,
it was me and Sophie B. Hawkins.
(audience laughs)
And she was like, "Hey Mark?
"Would you like to do some drugs with me?"
And I was like, "I'll fuckin' do some drugs.
"But I'll tell you this much: I'm gonna beat you at it."
(audience laughs)
She was like "Alright, I'll do it, but here's the deal.
"We gotta race."
I was like, "Where do you wanna fuckin' go?"
And she's like, "Stairs."
(audience laughs)
I'm like, "Let's do it, right now.
"Sophie B. fuckin' Hawkins!"
(audience laughs)
And we did race.
And I beat her.
Then I dreamt of marshmallows,
and everybody turned into a solitaire card,
and I couldn't find a black one for two fuckin' hours.
(audience laughs and applauds)
And I still fuckin' won.
(audience laughs)
You gotta be careful after a show.
(audience laughs)
People will lie to you.
(audience laughs)
Some people will say fuckin' shit that isn't even real,
like, "Oh, I'm a girl", or "Oh, Mark, you can't act",
and you're like, "You're lying about both those things!"
(audience laughs)
Is this a safe place?
(audience chuckles)
Right?
We can fuckin' talk about shit right here, right?
If you are a dude, and let's say,
you find yourself waiting for your brother
after a NKOTP 98 Degrees reunion concert.
(audience laughs)
This is just a fuckin' hypothetical, okay?
(audience chuckles)
Let's say he doesn't have his own car,
so you gotta fuckin' drive him everywhere.
(audience laughs)
This is a fuckin' hypothetical,
you start hangin' out with a girl, right?
And then she goes down on you, and you're like, loving it.
Right?
You look down, and it's a dude.
I'm gonna tell you this right now.
Just fuckin' finish.
(audience laughs)
Here's the deal:
you already had a dude go down on you, right,
you're not gonna change that.
(audience laughs and claps)
And two, she's the liar, not you.
You didn't fuckin' lie about shit,
are you Marky Mark Wahlberg,
fuck yeah I'm Marky Mark Wahlberg, am I a liar?
No, I win!
Nobody loses though, if you just let her finish,
'cause it already fuckin' happened.
(audience laughs and applauds)
I've never talked to Wahlberg post-concert in the 90's.
- Was it--
- So I took it down that avenue of,
what Wahlberg would talk about?
Thank you guys, have a good night, okay?
(audience cheers and applauds)
(acoustic guitar outro music)
- Mark Wahlberg!
(audience claps)
- If something happened where people didn't laugh,
he'd just be like, "That's on you."
You know, he'd be like, "Why aren't you laughin' at me?
"You'll get it later."
- That was Dan Van Kirk ladies and gentlemen,
let him hear it.
(soothing techno outro)