hey guys welcome to a new video some viewers may find the following video
disturbing viewer discretion is advised hi hey what is it some kind of sick prank
i get the greatest thing ever just have it taken away why did you do this to me god
next time you're gonna get my hopes up could you please take me to a grease monkey because i
like to get lubed up before i get huh some love would be nice or at least a courtesy link god
how about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to [ __ ] me
okay hello so you guys so today is the first appointment for my outpatient eating disorder
appointment with a psychologist i am extremely nervous i'm about to do some
light makeup so i know a lot of people are like um wanting to know more about it and i'm
going to use you guys as a mirror just for this second if you don't mind or wanting to know like
more about it and like my journey and stuff and i was so excited to share that with you
guys because like i'm finally doing outpatient i'm nervous i'm scared like the assessment was
so long it took hours like the paperwork it was so triggering that i can't even begin
to imagine how this appointment's gonna go they said it's gonna be over two hours of an
appointment so yeah this is like a big step for me and like i was so excited to share my journey
to you guys and i don't know i've gotten so much backlash about it it's really confusing i just
want to let you guys know today is the appointment and i'm sort of kind of freaking out so you know
it is what it is i gotta do it i gotta do it and i'm not talking myself out of it usually i
talk myself out of like scary situations like this but nope not this time okay you guys so
i had my appointment i am literally emotionally exhausted that was a lot and like beforehand my
psychologist was like i need to warn you this is gonna be a lot so afterwards do something
to treat yourself kind so what i'm to do is i'm sitting on my couch and i'm comfy and i think i'm
going to watch some 90 day fiance or maybe some 600 pound life because i'm behind on that if 60
pound life offered you a spot on their show would you accept yes i'm trying to gain weight so i can
apply to be on my 600 pound life oh there's so much information there's so much information i
almost wish i could have taken you guys to the appointment with me if you know what i'm saying
because it was just like you can't help someone who isn't ready to be helped
i understand myself more than ever this is the first time from an actual eating disorder
clinic program that i am officially diagnosed with binge eating disorder
and i want to get better i don't want to get worse and i know a lot of people are telling me you know
therapy will help you but therapy doesn't help everyone they're going to get more
into like my trauma and ptsd in the future but i also was diagnosed with ex exploration
um i'm completely saying it wrong um it's because i pick my skin and she specializes in that too
she specializes the things that i need help on and i'm just really excited i already have some
homework i have to do um i have to get some labs done i already have my next appointment
scheduled this is very very pricey outpatient it's gonna be pricey but it's gonna be worth it
people are like why don't you get weight loss surgery you can afford it i don't want it i don't
want weight loss surgery right now i also am going to get um an appointment with a dietitian at the
eating disorder clinic and i'm i'm just thrilled because a lot of things that i've already thought
she clarified for me like counting calories is just gonna cause you to binge because if
you tell yourself okay currently do not think of an elephant do not think of a swimming pool in a
hot tub you're gonna think of those things so by counting calories you're telling yourself you're
actively telling yourself that you're restricting your food which makes you want to eat more
and when you already have binge eating disorder that's just going to make it worse i had a feeling
that was going to happen it's a very much an intuitive eating process like i literally told
them i was like i will do anything that you tell me to do because i'm not here to waste your time
i'm not here to waste my time like i need help i want help and that's why i'm actually seeking it
in the right area the first appointment's over now i have things i have to do with homeworks i
have to do labs i have to get she also wants me to get an ekg because she said that people with
eating disorders um sometimes have heart problems and that's very scary so she just wants all that
checked which i love so that is like the update and i guess my girlfriend is putting a porsche
putting up four strokes all right go babe this is the first one i've ever done
i'm so excited i've always wanted to do this i just need cucumbers on my eyes now
squeaky because she heard a dog outside she also bought like cuticle cream a face steamer
a jade roller thingymajigger um we're gonna have like a whole spa situation but
i had to document this moment i'm getting treated like a queen the queen that i am
hey guys so it is the next day um we just had a friend come over and now we're gonna go to another
friend's actually air conqueries is where we're going i think we're gonna go get some mexican
food which i am pretty freaking pumped about and then we're just gonna hang out eric ricky's house
we might stay the night cheeky stories we have her back there and for those wondering she's
doing a lot better like in the mornings is when we notice like her knee is more like dislocated and
like popped out of place then we've been giving her her medicine and we noticed like she's able
to move more like use the stairs a teeny bit we're trying not to have her use the stairs a lot so we
pick her up when we're on the stairs hey guys so it's been a few days since i last filmed um right
now i'm just in the parking lot my girlfriend is currently getting physical therapy and i couldn't
go in there with her coded kind of just not doing very good today in particular i did upload a video
titled i didn't lie i think i'm just being like like i have obviously mental illness problems that
i'm trying to actively take care of especially seeing a psychologist now like a lot of just
like feelings and emotions and thoughts are coming to the surface that i didn't really want them to
and it's like all while that's happening i have like hundreds of people like actively not
believing something traumatic that happened to me and i think it's just like overwhelming me i'm not
a perfect person i think we all can relate to that and i'm just feeling overwhelmed and like not okay
i understand i have problems and i have issues and i feel like what makes those
problems and issues escalate into like a bigger like whole thing is when people give up on me
i don't know it's just been it's just been really hard and to those of you who are standing by me
and supporting me and like even sticking up for me in the comments i haven't seen that in a while
but it's been happening i thoroughly appreciate you guys so much truly so i would like to say on
a good note i did weigh myself today i haven't exactly been wanting to weigh myself a lot but
i figured i know i'm trying to recover from an eating disorder but i'm also trying to actively
lose weight so two and two together kind of is hard but i feel like with me trying to eat
normally weight loss is gonna happen to an extent so i did by myself today and i'm 495.0 on the dot
so last time you guys got to weigh in for me i think i was like 503 or something then i remember
the next day after that i weighed 506. so i'm down about 11 pounds um i want to say in the last
10 days or so so that's actually a really good sign and i'm very very happy about that
so i just wanted to give a little weight loss update because i know that some of you have been
curious like are you gaining weight like what's your weight so i definitely will be throwing
random weigh-ins in my blogs in the future so don't you guys worry because that's still part
of what's going on here because losing weight is very important to me so i am ending my vlog but
i wanted to show you guys my new paintings above my bed look at that baby what you doing you have
a whole king bed to yourself yeah so these are from home goods made my girlfriend pick them out
i just think they look really good so i had to show you guys but i hope that you guys did enjoy
this video and i'll see you guys in the next one bye i'm always sure to see through your flaws
cause i know that you got so much more to give you made a real mess but i miss you though
cause i can go to sleep when i'm alone again