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Let's get to the news.
According to ex-White House Press Secretary
Stephanie Grisham's new book, former President Trump
was once asked to go vegan for charity.
But if you didn't lose him at "vegan,"
I'm sure you lost him at "charity."
In the same book, former Trump administration's staffer
Stephanie Grisham describes the White House as,
"A clown car on fire, running at full speed into a warehouse
full of fireworks."
But she apparently doesn't mention the part
where she called shotgun.
Former President Trump, last week, called into
a prophecy-focused conservative Christian talk show
and said "nobody has done more for Christianity
or free evangelicals, or for religion itself than I have."
Really? Nobody? You can't think of a single person?
Jesus Christ.
[ Laughter ]
Former President Trump reportedly tells people
constantly that he's running for President in 2024.
Well, he doesn't tell everyone, it's your year, Mike.
After postponing last week's vote
on the bipartisan infrastructure package,
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on Saturday set a new
Halloween deadline because nothing is spookier
to Democrats than actually passing legislation.
According to a recent survey 10% of Americans said that they feel
very pessimistic about the rest of 2021
while the other 90% said, "It's 2021?"
Clint Eastwood, on Friday, won a $6 million lawsuit
against a Lithuanian company that used his image
to promote CBD products.
I'm not sure how they used his image,
but I'm guessing as "Before"?
[ Laughter ]
Passengers on a Spirit Airline's plane in Atlantic City,
New Jersey were forced to deplane over the weekend
after a large bird caused an engine fire.
And this is sad, that bird still had a better time
than everyone who spent the weekend in Atlantic City.
According to a new book, former First Lady Melania Trump
obsessively read her own press coverage because you can only
re-read your marriage contract so many times.
And finally, according to a new survey,
42% of Americans said that they feel bad if they don't
do anything productive all day.
Fortunately, clicking this counts as productive.
Facebook went offline yesterday for over 6 hours.
Wow, they finally found something
they couldn't fix with horse past.
Facebook apologized yesterday after all three
of its social media platforms went offline for 6 hours.
And said it was due to a "faulty configuration change."
Adding, "after a quick reboot, he started working again."
President Biden said yesterday that he couldn't guarantee
that the Federal Government will not default on debt payments
due later this month, so in addition to everything else
going on we've now entered the "uncut gems" phase
of his presidency.
Right now he's on the phone at the Bellagio saying,
"Put all of Montana on red."
During a Zoom session yesterday
with the House Progressive Caucus,
President Biden reportedly said that he's frustrated
with Senators Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema.
Well, you know it's bad when a 78-year-old man is on Zoom
and that's not the frustrating part.
During a briefing yesterday, White House Press Secretary
Jen Psaki showed a chart of how much debt was accumulated
under former President Trump, and said, "Republicans spent
like drunken sailors over the last four years."
And in some cases they also looked like them.
Former White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham's
book was released today, find it in
the "complicit but needs money" section.
the New York Times published an op-ed yesterday titled,
"What's Wrong With Kyrsten Sinema?"
Well, for one thing, I think she may be color blind.
Former presidential candidate Andrew Yang announced yesterday
that he has changed his voting registration from Democrat
to Independent, raising the question,
if a tree falls in the woods can we listen to that
instead of Andrew Yang?
And finally, the rights to the Folgers
"the best part of waking up" jingle recently sold at auction
for more than $90,000 while the "Kars 4 Kids" jingle
was taken out back and shot in the head.
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer spoke yesterday
on the Senate floor and said that the U.S. is getting
"dangerously close" to hitting the debt ceiling,
which is scary because there has never been a group of people
less likely to spontaneously raise the roof.
President Biden had lunch today with Vice President
Kamala Harris, and even that bill couldn't get figured out.
In a new interview, ex-UN Ambassador Nikki Haley
said that she calls former President Trump a friend,
while Trump calls her "Linda."
The U.S. Capitol Police, yesterday, forcibly removed
a man from a suspicious SUV parked outside of
the Supreme Court, they knew something was off
when the back window didn't have this sticker on it.
That's right the Capitol Police removed a man from a suspicious
SUV parked outside of the Supreme Court,
the man was apparently so suspicious Republicans want him
on the Supreme Court.
Facebook released a statement yesterday explaining the cause
of Monday's 6-hour-long outage, and man,
she is screwing everything up, lately.
I unplugged the server so I could charge my phone.
Not sorry.
Singer Adele, yesterday, announced she'll release
a new single called "Easy On Me" later this month.
Incidentally, a new single is also
who's gonna listen to it the most.
[ Laughter ]
Poor lady, take a stock photo.
She's like, "This'll never come up."
[ Laughter ]
"They won't use this one."
More apartments in Manhattan sold in the third quarter
of this year than any other time in the last 32 years.
So now the only affordable neighborhood in New York
is Wehu, meaning "west of the Hudson"
and, yeah it's -- sorry -- it's New Jersey.
[ Laughter ]
You have a view of Manhattan.
The fast food-chain Wendy's announced a partnership with
Kellogg's yesterday to release
a chocolate frosty-flavored cereal.
Not to be outdone, McDonald's is releasing a McFlurry cereal
that is temporarily out of service.
And, finally, according to the latest rankings,
former President Trump is no longer on Forbes magazine's list
of the 400 richest Americans, but on the right side,
he still made the list of the 46 greatest Presidents.
According to the latest poll numbers, President Biden's
approval rating is 38% which is the lowest it's been
since taking office.
Well, come on, America, what do you want him to do? Something?
According to a new Senate report former President Trump directly
asked the Justice Department on nine separate occasions
to overturn the 2020 election.
Nine? Was he in the back seat of the car?
"Will you overturn the election?" "No!"
"Will you overturn the elect--?" "No!"
"Will you overturn the e--?"
In her new book, former White House
Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham writes
that Ivanka Trump used to ask her to suppress unflattering
news stories about her.
Here's what that would look like --
According to a new report, former President Trump
did not want to use anesthesia for his secret 2019 colonoscopy
because he did not want Mike Pence to
temporarily assume power.
But joke's on him because Mike Pence is anesthesia.
"Mr. President I just want to sincerely thank you
for your leadership -- okay he's out."
Today was Russian President Vladimir Putin's 69th birthday
and I think I know what he wished for.
Universal Studios in Orlando has announced that
the Shrek 4-D simulator show will close next year
because it turns out, nobody actually wanted to smell Shrek.
Netflix announced yesterday that it will release 11 new
holiday movies before Christmas and I think they're running low
on ideas.
And finally, in a new interview, singer Meghan Trainor
said she and her husband have two toilets next to each other
in their bathroom so they can spend more time together.
In case you're wondering why there was no
"stars, they're just like us" section this week.
And that, you guys, was a monologue.