♪♪
-Hey, what's up, everybody? It's me, Jarret.
Still chillin' at Hampshire College,
where I'm technically no longer a student,
but my meal-plan card still works.
I'm living off campus now, in a sweet condo
that the school pays for as part of their settlement
for accidentally letting me teach an entire semester
of Introduction to Japanese Art.
Place is great.
I don't have to wear flip-flops in the shower anymore,
and nobody narks on me if I use a hot plate.
That's pretty much the latest on me.
Oh, also, I sold my idea of
"people making their own TV shows"
to YouTube for a bunch of stock,
but that was before they were even a thing.
Speaking of throwbacks,
it's been a while since I talked to my first guest.
He's my former roomie and lifelong homey.
Give it up for Gobi!
-Hi, Jarret. -Gobi.
What's with the tie, man?
Don't tell me you're on trial again.
-Actually, it's just Michael now.
And no court date. [ Chuckles ]
I just got off Zoom with a bunch of big clients.
Pushing tax season back has really made
things nutso around here.
-You changed your name to Michael?
-Well, it was always Michael. Michael Gobichelli.
-Now I remember why we called you Gobi.
What kind of name is that? -It was my dad's name.
-You never told me you had a dad.
-I do. And, also, I'm a CPA now.
-You're a cop? -No.
It stands for certified public accountant.
I'm a financial adviser, who helps individuals, businesses,
and other organizations plan their financial goals.
-Wow. Gobi, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
-Oh, don't be sorry. I love my life.
I just bought a Nissan Murano.
Hey, but what about you, man? Heard you're a big tech guy now.
-Well, I mostly grow flowers and trees.
But if the FBI's watching, I'm only talking about
"Animal Crossing."
Speaking of which, did you
get that care package I sent you?
-Yeah, yeah, I did, man. It came this morning.
I haven't even opened it yet. -Open it, open it, open it!
-Whoa! This is great! Look -- it's all my stuff.
Here's my old Hacky Sack. -You loved that thing.
-Old copies of "Maxim."
-Yeah, I borrowed those --
just for the cologne samples, though.
-Oh! What's this?
-It's a homemade banana bread.
I did some quarantine baking this weekend,
if you catch my drift.
-I don't, but thanks, Jarret. That's really thoughtful.
-Go ahead -- try some.
-Well, sweets are really more of a weekend thing.
What the heck. There we go.
That's a nice piece.
It's really good!
-Whoa. That was a pretty big bite there.
So, Michael, how's your social distancing been?
-♪ In the white room ♪
♪ With black curtains ♪
-Michael, how's social distancing?
-Social distancing or so-chill distancing?
[ Laughs ] Whoo!
-Gobi! -Hey, Jarret!
Whoa. Oh, dude, I just realized something.
-What? -CPA spells "capaw."
Oh, capaw, dude! [ Laughs ]
That's my job.
Capaw! Capaw!
-Trust me -- no one is more surprised than me.
Hey, I got a new segment for the show I want to do.
You down? -Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But, real quick, did you notice this virus is called COVID,
and we're all making co-vids, like, co-videos?
-Yeah. That's really insightful.
-We should start a co-video company,
like, a company that does co-vids.
And we'll name our company Coolgle.
-That's the worst idea I've ever heard.
-You get it? Like, Cool, but Google?
Coolgle! [ Laughs ]
-Coolgle?
-Yeah, man.
You ain't on Coolgle,
you're not cool, girl.
[ Laughs ]
-Alright, well, without further ado,
me and Gobi would like to present the first-annual
Social Distancing Awards,
or, as I call them, The So-D's.
♪♪
Okay. The very first So-D...
-Root beer!
-What? -Yeah.
Yeah, my first sodie was root beer.
My mom would warm it up, put it in a baby bottle.
Oh, man, I would just -- I would stay up for days.
-That explains a lot.
The first So-D is for
Guy I'm Happiest to Have Not Seen for Three Months.
And the winner is... [ Imitates drumroll ]
...Mr. Bower, the guy who checks
meal-plan cards in the cafeteria.
He says I'm not supposed to be there,
but neither is that hair connecting his eyebrows.
Bower, you straight up look like Bert.
-[ Laughs ] Like Bert.
Like Bert Convy? I get it. [ Laughs ]
-Okay, Gobi, I just chatted you. You want to do the next one?
-Yeah, man. For sure. For sure.
Alright. Alright, wait.
Man, I lost it. Hold on.
Oh, wait. I was just talking about...
-No, I chatted you, so it should be on your computer.
-Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. Here it is.
The next So-D is for Best Way to Spend the Night at Home.
And the winner is... [ Both imitating drumroll ]
...root beer!
[ Laughs ]
-What?
-Wow! I was just talking about root beer.
-Well, congrats to root beer and congrats to me and Gobi,
winners of the award for Best Reunited Buds.
Pound it, dude.
That's all for this edition of "Jarret's Room."
I got to DM some people to make sure
Gobi doesn't swallow his tie.
-Yeah, good luck. -Later, dudes!
-[ Laughs ]