[Baywatch Theme] ♫ I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ Never you fear (No don't you fear)
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ I'll be ready
[Baywatch Theme] ♫ Forever and always
[Baywatch theme] ♫ I'm always here
[Allison] Something's been missing the last couple of episodes. Hmm...
[Allison] But what could it be?
[Signature Eddie whine]
[Allison] Well hot damn, folks you're in luck!
[Allison] Because not only is Eddie back, but there's yet another attempt on his life.
[Allison] Hooray!
[Allison] But first, Hobie has a dream about Mitch dying, so they can rip off the Jaws shot.
[intense music plays]
[Hobie] Daaaadd!
[Allison] He tells Mitch about the horrifying dream
[Allison] In which his head is cracked open like a freshly sliced melon before his very eyes,
[Allison] But all Mitch gets out of is that there was a
[Allison] WAVERUNNER TM involved
[Allison as Mitch] This is the perfect opportunity to shill Yamaha again!
[Allison as Hobie] There was so much blood...
[Allison as Mitch] Shut up and eat your Dominos!
[Allison] Speaking of people who have disappeared off the face of the planet,
[Allison] After about half a season, Captain Thorpe is back!
[Allison] The Captain Thorpe fan club can celebrate the great news!
[Sounds of dogs barking and police sirens]
[Gunshot sound]
[Barking continues]
[Allison as Captain Thorpe] I love how I've totally been here the whole time, Mitch.
[Sounds of Mitch eating photoshopped soft pretzels]
[Allison as Mitch] Huh?You say something?
[Allison] Inspired by Hobie's dream where he failed spectacularly,
[Allison] Mitch tries to convince Captain Thorpe that a
[Allison] WAVERUNNER TM would make a good rescue vehicle.
[Allison as Thorpe] A WAVERUNNER TM, eh?
[Allison as Thorpe] I've heard of those. Sounds like a dream.
[Allison as Mitch] Oh yes. There's nothing the WAVERUNNER TM can't do.
[Allison] As it turns out, they're gonna need nothing less than a
[Allison] WAVERUNNER TM
[Allison] to take on Baywatch's latest nefarious threat, a new street drug called 'spice'.
[Allison] As this fire-eating montage demonstrates, the drug severely distorts your fashion sense.
[Allison] No, no no no no!
[Allison] Not Lifeguard Old Man!
[Allison] Him and Captain Thorpe double-teaming it this episode?
[Allison] It's like old people central up in here.
[Allison] Lifeguard 'Day Before Retirement' flirts with an old girlfriend?
[Allison] Look, no one cares.
[Allison] Your advanced age and slow-moving subplots are a constant reminder of the viewers' mortality.
[Allison as Eddie] ♫ I love not being on fire. I love not being on fire. Being on fire would be the last thing I want.
[Allison as Eddie] ♫ La la la la.
[Allison as the drug addict] Must... set a turdmuncher... on fire...
[Allison as Eddie] SHAUNIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
[Allison as Eddie cries]
[Allison] Not the rescue kit, no!
[Allison] To be fair, Eddie was really not doing a very good job watching the beach.
[Allison] Eddie goes to whine about it to Shauni and Mitch, but Mitch don't care.
[Eddie] Mitch, the guy burned down my tower.
[Mitch] Yeah, I know.
[Eddie] What are you doing?!
[Shauni] Your hair got a little singed.
[Allison] Ha ha ha! He nearly died! :D
[Lifeguard Old Man Theme]
[Boy] Check it out!
[suspenseful music plays]
[Little Boy] Wow...
[Little Girl in Background] Don't touch it.
[Allison, as the little girl] I sure am a child.
[Allison] Anyway, the spice is killing all our fish!
[Allison] Damn those druggie fish! Will they never learn?
[Allison as Detective Coca-Cola] Hello, it's me! I'm back, the detective.
[Allison as Eddie] Who are you?
[Allison as Detective Coca-Cola] I was here three episodes ago.
[Allison as Eddie] Oh, cool! Will you be my father figure?
[Allison as Detective Coca-Cola] Okay, I'm never coming back.
[Allison] Meanwhile, Hobie is convinced that his dream was prophetic.
[Allison as Mitch] You saw the future?
[Allison as Mitch] Get real, Hobester. I gotta wait for Baywatch Nights for that kinda shit.
[Allison as Hobie] But Dad!
[Allison as Mitch] Prophecy, schmoffecy. I got some sweet-ass waves to catch with Shippy and Newmie on my
[Allison as Mitch] WAVERUNNER TM!
[Montage Music Perfect for a WAVERUNNER TM]
[Lifeguard Old Man Theme]
[Shauni] You know, I heard of putting spice on fish but never to the point where they OD'd.
[Allison] Man, Shauni is just full of one-liners this episode.
[Allison] Arson? Mass fish graves?
[Allison] What isn't a barrel of laughs?
[Lifeguard Old Man Theme continues]
[Allison as Hobie] Dad, it was horrible!
[Allison as Hobie] I dreamed there was another Hobie before me and something terrible happened to him!
[Allison as Mitch] Sh, sh sh sh sh. It's okay. He's at peace now.
[Allison as Hobie] What?
[Allison as Mitch] Ha ha, you little rapscallion. Night!
[Ominous music plays over evil laughter]
[Lifeguard Old Man Theme interrupts]
[Allison] Eddie and Detective Coca-Cola team up and track down a boat they think has been used as a spice drug lab.
[Allison as Eddie] I'm the worst (world's) greatest detective! Ow! The wind gave me whiplash!
[Allison as Shauni] Sending a chopper your way, 39er Alpha-Weiner.
[Allison as Eddie] Thanks for the moral support, babe!
[Allison] Even though the
[Allison] WAVERUNNER TMs
[Allison] haven't been approved yet, Mitch goes to the rescue anyway.
[Allison] He can make this save!
[Allison] With the help of WAVERUNNER TM!
[Allison] Suddenly, I feel like I've missed something.
[Allison] There's a couple of guys being chased on jet skis...
[Allison] This guy on a pier is really mad for some reason...
[Allison] There's like no lead-in to any of this
[Allison] Literally, they're just going to investigate, and then cut to everything.
[Allison] But now the important question is answered: Is Hobie psychic or not?
[Dramatic music]
[Hobie, in flashback] Dad! Watch out!
[Hobie, in flashback] Dad! Behind you!
[Allison] Ah yep. Pretty much.
[Allison] Holy, sweet Lord YES!
[Triumphant Newmie Fight Music]
[Newmie, as he high-fives Mitch] Yeah!
[Allison as Mitch] MY SAVE-RUNNER TM!
[Uninteligible father-son bonding noises]
[Allison] Next time on Baywatch:
[dramatic music sting]
[Allison] GILLIGAN'S
[dramatic music sting]
[Allison] ISLAND
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING]
[Allison] CROSSOVER
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING]
[Allison] Little Buddy!
[Baywatch Season 2 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out. Take hold of my hand.
[Baywatch Season 2 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out 'til you're safe on dry land.
[Baywatch Season 2 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to hold on, baby, never give up.
[Baywatch Season 2 Ending Theme] ♫ You've got to reach out.
[Baywatch Season 2 Ending Theme] ♫ When you're caught in the current of love.