Okay, it's been six hours and no one in the office has mentioned your birthday.
I think you might have got away with it.
Wait.
*ominous blue hat*
Hold on a second...
*sinister-looking cake*
*threatening sign*
I have got to get out of here immediately.
*panic ensues*
*fumbles in tertiary S function*
Attention, fools.
Listen, or perish.
Yes, it is my birthday.
No, I do not want to celebrate it.
I don't want you to throw me a surprise party,
I don't want any presents,
and I certainly don't want you posting on social media about it.
There is no need to celebrate something so arbitrary,
especially given that it's something I have no control over.
Well, would you look at that!
It's that great time of the year again.
It's that time of the year of... *trails into nonsense*
So I don't know if you heard, but,
it's actually my birthday.
Yes, you heard correctly.
It is my birthday.
*waves to empty room*
So.
It's my birthday.
Ah, I see you're eating a bowl of cereal.
"Bowl" is a great 'B' word.
Huh.
*attempts subtle segue*
*fails in intrinsic lack of subtlety*
Ooooo, what's this?
Hmmm, let's find out.
An extension chord?
Really?
This wasn't on the list of pre-approved items that I sent you!
I already have this in four shades!
Do you really think I don't
*loses friends*
Alright, friendos. Listen up.
Eyes this way, thank you.
As you know, today is my birthday.
I expect you ALL to give me presents.
If you have no presents, I will accept:
money,
or
doing my laundry for me, or
cooking me food.
I will NOT accept:
gift cards.
Your not suddenly a better friend just because you went that tiny extra step
to purchase a gift card.
ALL you're doing is restricting where I can spend my money.
Guys, I'm so glad to have you with me.
You know all I wanted was a lowkey birthday
with my nearest and dearest so
this really means a lot.
*"help us"*
Alright everyone, the day of the party is upon us.
ESTJ, I want you out of my space so that I don't have another Te dom threatening me.
ENFJ, use your Fe with the guests so that I don't have to.
ISFP, your stereotype tells me that you're hip with tunes.
ESFJ, do this mundane job that would bore me.
ESFP,
stay over there with your wine.
Happy birthday, Mandy.
*a voice sings Stevie Wonder, poorly*
Oh! Hey, Mandy!
Aww! You're so sweet! Thank you,
that's my favourite flavour!
Oh,
yeah,
you're welcome.
Wow!
Ow!
*smears more cake into skin*
Why are you in here?
Do you wanna come outside? They're about to sing the "Happy Birthday" song.
I have to make an appearance,
I just gotta reconsider my life choices.
Yeah, sure.
I'll be out in a sec.
Okely dokely!
*stares at match with regret and longing*
*"You let your Fe get the better of you again, Mandy."*
Alright, who is ready for
the greatest birthday weekend of all time?
Okay, so the boyos are coming over at 5 today
for party number one.
And tomorrow we're going paintballing at the-
Who's calling me?
Yello.
Aw, what? The ice sculptures have melted?
Hang on... what ice sculptures?
Ooooh *laughs at the game that is life*
I ordered those last night on a dare.
*enjoys tomfoolery with a mate*
Oh, who cares, just bring 'em anyway.
We'll WHACK 'em open and make frozen cocktails from them.
Yeah, cheers.
LET'S GET CRU-
So I removed my birthday date off Facebook two days ago.
Let's see who remembers without Facebook reminding them.
Then I'll know who my REAL friends are.
(this tactic is not advised)
This is for you.
Oh, man.
A present.
An extremely poorly-wrapped present.
Chances are this is something I don't need
and that is just going to clog up my space.
I'll open this later.
Oh no! Please open it now!
*is displeased with emotional play*
Okay.
And now I have to go through the hassle
of pretending to like it.
*fear rises*
*remembers to use facial expressions*
*immediate disdain*
*gift-giver is unaware of her foible*
Wow.
A rainbow llama.
Well that's loud.
Yeah!
Cause you bring me all the joy of a rainbow!
*scorn and contempt*
And,
well-LLAMA nice guy.
*makes it worse for herself*
*polite sound*
That means nothing to me.
This llama is going in the trash, just like our friendship.
Guys, thank you all SO much for making the effort
to come to my birthday party.
You all mean SO much to me.
Jenny,
What can I say?
Jenny...
*prepares to begin speech that no one asked for*
It was the year 2004 when I first saw your face
walk into the school playground.
And from that moment on, I knew-
...and finally,
Brad.
I know we've only all just met you because you're
Jacinta's plus one but,
can I just say that I already get the impression that you
*makes Brad uncomfortable*
...and so from ALL of us,
we embrace you,
and welcome to our family.
So!
*Brad makes quiet exit*
Who's up for a game of-
Margaret, are you asleep?
Hey mate, you wanna come inside?
We bought you a cake.
Oh did ya?
Why?
'Cause it's your birthday.
Oh.
Is it?
*barks* I'm so excited! This is going to be the best party ever!
Okay, so the face painting is set up outside.
The jumping castle is set up as well.
Hmmm, we've got twelve different desserts and-
*a figure approaches chips*
Kristin?
Yep?
*moves eyes, with subtext*
*munches on chippies*
Oh did you want me not to wear this?
Well, it's just that,
y'know, I mean...
Ah, no it's fine.
Whatever, it doesn't REALLY matter
(Narrator: It did matter.)
Okay.
Cool.
Sense the tone! It DOES matter!
Go change immediately!
*is apprehensive, but still eats chips*
...please.
Ah, hi.
Yeah I'm just calling to say that
I'm not going to be able to come into work today unfortunately
cause I'm quite sick
*scripted cough*
Yeah, um...
Yes I am aware that it's my birthday...
Aw...
you bought me a cake?
Oh, well...
Well how could I say no to a cake?
Okay, I'll see you in an hour.
Okay.
*weeps in perpetual Fe trap*
Thanks for watching this video, guys
and thank you so much to VOS Health for sponsoring this video.
VOS now has a Wellbeing page on Facebook
where you can go and chat and share your stories and tips
about mental health with other people.
So if you're interested in that,
please jump down to the links in my description
to download the VOS Health app
or to check out that Facebook page.
Thanks, guys!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
*stock sound effects of crowd cheering*
You didn't think I forgot, did ya?
Awwww, thank you!
You guys are all here!
(There's no one there)
And here's...
that cupcake.
I know you lit it for yourself-
OW!!
WHY do they let candles have wax?!