Did you know global warming might also kill humans?
Which saddens me, because some of the people I know are human.
[ Laughter ]
Last week,
published a truly terrifying story
about all the ways the Earth is going to shake us off for good.
Hundreds of drowned cities,
possibly hundreds of millions of climate refugees,
and now we're talking about that as a kind of best-case scenario.
Actually, the best-case scenario
is all those things happen and he cuts off his man-bun.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
The current administration
is doing its best to hasten humanity's end,
but once upon a time,
Republicans actually believed in climate change.
John McCain campaigned on it.
And even Nancy Pelosi and Newt Gingrich
reached across the aisle.
We don't always see eye to eye, do we, Newt?
No.
But we do agree our country
must take action to address climate change.
Awkward.
[ Laughter ]
Even the bed bugs in the couch were like,
"This is uncomfortable."
[ Laughter ]
In 2009, business leaders published
a full-page ad in
urging Barack Obama to take action on climate change,
a letter signed by none other than Donald J. Trump.
You know, this guy.
So, Obama's talking about all of this with the global warming.
And a lot of it's a hoax. It's a hoax.
I mean, it's a moneymaking industry, okay? It's a hoax.
This doesn't surprise me.
Trump signs tons of letters he doesn't really mean,
like every year on Tiffany's birthday.
[ Audience groans ]
It used to be that both sides agreed,
yes, we're [bleep].
So when did believing in science become a liberal thing?
It started in 1997
when the U.S. joined 36 other countries
in a pledge to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions.
Not everyone loved the idea, though.
Coll: There were a lot of corporations,
including oil companies, that objected
to the Kyoto accords in 1997,
but most of them lobbied against the treaty
on economic and fairness grounds.
But Exxon did something that I think was fairly radical,
which was that they chose to go after the science.
Attack the science?
That's the same thing the tobacco companies used to do
to convince people that smoking was actually healthy
or made you look sexy.
Why can't the pro-science people use the same tactics?
Like, what we need is, like, a Marlboro Man for climate change.
Ah! Hybrids. Ladies love it when I plug it in.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, much of climate-denial propaganda
is funded by the Koch brothers, the politically active
billionaire oil tycoons from Kansas.
And that's enough for me to know that they're monsters.
Who the [bleep] has a billion dollars and stays in Kansas?!
[ Cheers and applause ]
The Kochs have given millions of dollars to Republicans
on the condition that they sign a pledge
promising to oppose climate-change legislation.
And some politicians like money, so it's a tough call.
Like, you know, protect our future
or have some sick flames on the side of the campaign bus.
[ Laughter ]
And, of course, the easiest targets for the Kochs
were the evangelicals.
"W-Wait, wait, wait.
You'll pay me
[ Chuckles ] You're in luck. I already don't.
So this is a win-win."
For Michigan congressman Tim Walberg,
not believing in common sense is just common sense.
-Amen. -Amen.
Oh, yes.
The, uh, classic "God will take care of it" defense.
Hey, God...
can you turn down the heaven thermometer
so we could all live forever?
That would be really cool of you.
Oh, oh, oh. And while you're at it,
could you stop kids from getting cancer?
Could you maybe stop those tsunamis
from killing thousands of people?
And, of course, could you stop Mexicans from raping?
But before you get all to that, it's a bit hot down here.
Oh, oh! Wait, wait! One more thing!
Bring back dinosaurs!
I want to ride one like Jesus did!
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Now, if any of those things do happen,
I'll admit maybe God can take care of climate change.
But just assuming he doesn't,
we're going to have to help ourselves.
So let's explore all of our options
with a little game I call "Here Are Your Options."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. You like that? I was there.
Now I'm over here.
All right.
So, here are your options. There's this guy.
Now, this guy doesn't believe in climate change. Right?
He drives a big-ass car, right?
He has seven kids.
Ahh. He loves coal.
And he pisses on solar panels for fun.
Now, if this guy's right, he's got no problem.
He can live forever doing all of this dickish stuff.
No worries, right?
But if he's wrong and there is climate change,
the water levels are going to rise above his head
and he'll be dead.
And probably his kids will cry.
[ Laughter ]
Right? But here's the other option.
You could be this guy.
This person believes in climate change.
So he drives a reasonably sized car, right?
Has one kid.
And he uses solar panels
in a respectable fashion.
Now, if he's right
and there is climate change
and everyone gets onboard with him, we all get to live.
But if he's wrong and he does all these things
and everyone gets onboard, guess what.
We still all get to live.
Right?
So...these are your options.
Do something and live
or do nothing and maybe not live.
So try to be mindful of the "wether."
[ Cheers and applause ]