-I was running a little bit behind.
You guys mind if I write out
my weekly thank you notes right now?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Fabulous. I love you guys.
Thank you so much.
Diego, can I have some thank you note writing music, please?
-Wow. -Gracias.
-Looks like he might be a senior White House adviser.
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
♪♪
Thank you, President Trump,
for being worse at keeping secrets
than an 8-year-old who knows about a surprise party.
[ Laughter ]
"Um, um, they're right in there,
and they're waiting with the presents and everything."
-There's no reason all the lights are off in this room.
-There's lots of balloons.
♪♪
Thank you, Instagram's new selfie filters
for being a great way to add extra flair to your photos
or, as Snapchat put it,
"been there, threw rainbows up on that."
[ Laughter and applause ] -Oh, snap.
-Did it already.
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, graduation ceremonies,
or as people whose last names start with "Z" call you,
hell on Earth.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-Zed Zinnerman.
-From "A" to "Z" as well.
[ Laughter ]
Zed Zinnerman.
-I'm Zeddlin.
-Thank you, Pepsi's new cinnamon-flavored soda,
Pepsi Fire.
Even the cops that's in Kendall Jenner's ad was like,
"Eh, no thanks."
[ Laughter ]
-Enough!
[ Laughter ]
-You have any feelings about Pepsi Fire, Tariq?
-I mean, you know, I'm -- I'm -- I'm over it.
-You're over it? -Yeah.
-What are you talking about? Hasn't even started yet.
-You're with it before. -You're living through it.
-I'm already over it.
Every summer they come out, you know, with a whole campaign.
-Yeah. -You know what I'm saying.
Yeah, cinnamon Pepsi.
If I wanted spicy soda that's gonna make my stomach hurt,
I don't know. I'd go to Taco Bell.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-What? What?
-The great American --
-What the heck is he talking about?
He's lost his mind. [ Applause ]
-"I'll go to Taco Bell"? -He's lost his mind.
Whatever. Whatever --
Here we go --
-I don't understand.
[ Laughter ]
It's the hat.
-Thank you, Cannes Film Festival,
or is it pronounced "can"?
"Cans"? Ugh, I Cannes never remember.
[ Laughter ]
I Cannes never remember --
-I Cannes do it.
That film's in the Cannes.
-Thank you, ABC,
for coming out with a new show called
"Dancing With the Stars Junior."
Which combines America's three favorite things --
celebrities, dancing, and judging children.
[ Laughter ]
"That was bad."
-"You're so bad." -"You're awful."
-"Get out of here. Quit crying."
-"3 out of 10 stars. Leave."
-"Take your diaper with you."
[ Laughter ]
-Why would the kid leave the kid's diaper there?
Yeah. -"Get out of here.
Scar them now." -"Go crawl somewhere else."
[ Laughter ]
Thank you, caterpillars,
for transforming into butterflies.
Or as other insects put it,
"Somebody got some work done."
[ Laughter ]
Just saying.
-Just saying.
-Thank you, pecans,
for looking like walnuts
that went on "Extreme Makeover Nut Edition."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Pee-can?
-I say both. -Pe-cahn.
-I say pe-cahn, and I say pee-can pie.
-What do you guys say? Is it pee-can or is it pe-cahn?
[ Audience responds ]
Hot-button issue.
-Wow.
-What is it -- pecan pie.
What do you say, Quest?
-Pee-cahn. -What do you say?
-I say pe-cahn.
-Pee-cahn?
[ Laughter ]
No one says pee-cahn.
-Don't ask Tariq. Don't ask Tariq.
-It's pe-cahn, it's pee-can, or pecan't.
-I amalgamate them both.
-Pee-cahn. -Peek-on.
-He calls it a peek-on. -Wow.
-That sounds like a weird mission
from the Army or something.
We're on peek-on.
-We're on peek-on 1.
-I can't --
-I pe-cahn't --
-Please, I pe-can't.
[ Laughter ]
-You pe-can do it.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you, Five Guys,
for accurately describing my weight
after eating at Give Guys.
There you go right there. Those are my thank you notes.