A covert narcissist can be tricky to spot at first.
They are sometimes known as closet narcissists because they can appear timid and shy at first.
They use these tactics to lure their victims in.
They know that the victim will run if they act aggressively and honestly right from the beginning.
Covert narcissism can be confusing to some because covert narcissists have a higher chance of becoming depressed, developing high levels of anxiety, and problems with self-esteem.
These issues are usually the opposite of what people think about narcissists and that can make them so much harder to identify.
But what happens when you unmask a covert narcissist?
More importantly, what should you not do when you have made this horrifying discovery?
It may have taken a long time to make this discovery and now, after some time, you feel hurt and confused.
We understand your pain.
So raise the volume and relax.
We want you to watch all the way through to the end for some great tips on handling the unmasking of a covert narcissist.
Number 1: Do not act irrational.
Usually when a victim finds out their partner is a covert narcissist who has lied and manipulated them the whole time they've been together, they feel betrayed and angry and may begin to have irrational thoughts.
We are here to tell you that that is not the way to go.
We know you’re thinking, "How can you act rationally when you find out your relationship was a lie?"
Well, it may be hard to hold back, but it is doable.
Acting irrationally and lashing out will only give the covert narcissist excuses to turn this around and back onto you.
They can turn your irrational behavior into the causes of the issues in the relationship.
It is better to remain calm and not give the narcissist anything to talk about.
Remaining calm can help you make more logical decisions.
This will help you figure out a better way to exit the toxic situation.
It also may be a good idea to find a close friend or relative to talk to about your discovery.
This can help you feel not so alone in your situation, and with the proper advice, can help you make the decisions that are best for you.
When you expose a narcissist, it can cause a lot of emotions and heartache, but acting out will only help the narcissist.
You have done enough to help their ego already.
If they are good at manipulation, they will use your emotions to benefit themselves.
It’s time to do something that will benefit you instead.
Number 2: Do not engage with their narcissistic rage.
When you expose a narcissist for who they really are, you may see narcissistic rage, which can either be an intense amount of anger or absolute silence.
Most narcissists will choose the former.
Their pride has been hurt because you exposed their true colors and as a result, they will want to fight with you and attack the low points of your life.
Covert narcissists want you to interact with them and cause more toxicity in the relationship.
As we said earlier, they want to have an excuse to put the blame on you.
Interacting with them and fighting back will give them that excuse.
When they start getting angry, it’s best to step back and realize that they want you to fight back.
You must also refuse to engage and be the bigger person and let them throw their tantrum.
Many covert narcissists will grow increasingly more agitated the more you ignore their anger, but it shows that you refuse to back down and that you are taking control of your feelings.
This may be easier said than done, but with practice and consistency, it is possible to resist the temptation to fight.
Number 3: Don’t mock or enrage them further.
As implied by our previous point, when the narcissist is throwing their tantrum, it’s best not to mock or try to give them a taste of their own medicine.
Attempting to make them see the error of their ways or intentionally making them angrier for your own sake will only make the situation worse.
They may lash out more and some covert narcissists may even get violent.
Most will engage in passive aggressive behavior before resorting to violence, but it can happen if they are pushed enough.
Most covert narcissists refuse to acknowledge that they have done anything wrong.
Knowing that, it’s better to remove yourself from the situation and let the narcissist realize on their own terms what damage they have caused.
We don’t recommend posting on social media or telling everyone in town, but only confiding in people you trust and professional help.
Otherwise, whatever you do a narcissist may do ten times worse.
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Number 4: Create more boundaries.
Sometimes you may not have the option of completely cutting out the narcissist from your life, such as in cases of joint custody or when they happen to be your coworker.
However, you can still create firm boundaries for your own wellbeing.
Creating boundaries can help ease your pain and allow you to move on quicker.
It’s important to start setting boundaries as soon as possible.
Setting them as soon as the covert narcissist is exposed will help you and the narcissist understand each other better and what you want out of the situation.
For example, if you are isolating yourself from a coworker, it may be helpful to let them know that you only want to speak to them about work-related topics and that you will only engage with them when you are both clocked in.
We understand that having these confrontations may be hard because you may be afraid of hurting their feelings, but this is about helping to heal you, not them.
If your covert narcissist is a co-parent, then establishing these boundaries as soon as the split happens and custody of the child is decided will be helpful in the long run.
These boundaries might include only speaking about the child, acting civil and kind to one another during family gatherings, or keeping quiet when one of you feels like arguing.
We understand that it can be hard to set these boundaries, especially if you were extremely close to the narcissist.
It can be hard to let go of someone you were so used to being around for so long, but like almost everything else, time will heal those wounds.
If you were broken down by your abuser, you may find yourself relapsing a few times before really committing to those boundaries.
Remember, no matter what decision you make, the narcissist won't be happy because they didn't get a choice.
Number 5: Don’t try to change them.
As we mentioned earlier about giving them a taste of their own medicine, trying to change a covert narcissist won't help you or them.
Narcissists are most of the time very set in their ways and that makes shifting their way of thinking very difficult.
You also can’t help someone who does not want to be helped.
Your position as their child, partner, coworker, or even parent does not mean it is your job to fix them.
Unmasking the narcissist has already opened some doors that they wanted to stay closed—attempting to change them may only enrage them further.
Narcissists are known to see themselves as perfect, so if they feel someone does not see them in the same light, it can upset them and cause them to go into a narcissistic rage.
You may think it is a good idea to help them become a better person, but narcissists are resistant to change.
You may find yourself growing angry and bitter because you see their faults, but they don't.
Change has to come from within.
If the narcissist is not explicitly expressing their unhappiness with who they are, there is a high chance they are never going to change.
The sooner you come to terms with this reality, the easier it may be for you to start moving on and healing.
Number 6: Do not blame yourself.
One of the first things victims do is blame themselves for their abusers' problems.
"Maybe if I didn't have so many feelings," or "It was my fault they had to be so stern with me.
I have too many problems."
These along with a thousand other thoughts may come to mind when you expose a narcissist.
Another situation that seems to happen frequently is when the narcissist starts to get upset and defensive, clearly getting outraged and emotional over the confrontation, they will attempt to tear down the victim.
The victim, instead of standing their ground, will blame themselves to avoid dealing with the guilt and discomfort.
If a victim repeatedly tells themselves that maybe it’s their fault even if they truly believed in the beginning it wasn't, they will start to believe their own lies.
However a narcissist chooses to act , it’s not your fault.
A narcissist, as we said many times in this video, is set in their ways.
You did not create or cause this narcissistic personality trait.
It is on them to take responsibility for their own actions.
Accepting the blame will only increase the covert narcissist's power in the relationship.
It will prove to them that no matter how badly they treat you or manipulate you, you will always bow down to them.
Standing up to them and telling them that it is not your fault and that they are to blame for their own wrongdoings will show them you are taking charge.
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