Tradition, honor, respect.
Those are the values here at the Turdament of Champions.
I'm Ben Lyons, alongside former professional pooper Eric
Christiansen.
All right, Eric, we're going live to the Craptathalon,
where three competitors will compete
in a series of three events to see who's best at number two.
Ben, they say it takes about 10,000 hours to become
an expert at something.
I would say I'm a expert three times over.
All right, here we go.
The first event in today's craptathalon, chocolate rain.
I hope that is chocolate they're pouring in there.
Otherwise it's e-coli city for our friends.
Stick, baby.
Oh, he throws like an actor who's
never thrown a baseball before in a baseball movie.
Don't fall over her head.
Yeah.
Oh, another.
Ben, what a beautiful day.
We had 18,000 people here.
They all walked in, kind of looked around, oh, sorry.
And then they all left.
So we have no audience members here.
Come on, little poop.
Now, Eric, are these competitors throwing their own poop?
No, Ben, now that was outlawed about five years ago
because of an outbreak.
They're actually throwing a synthetic pooplike substance,
called sticky the poo.
Technology.
What will they think of next?
Ah.
Now for the audience at home, he was aiming for the bullseye.
All right, you ready?
I think so.
Appears the competitors are having trouble
adjusting to the wind out there.
Poo.
Oh, he got it.
And there it is.
It's so cold.
John opened his mouth wide there.
Now these games have been marred by a doping laxative scandal.
But these competitors have stayed true to their craft
through it all.
First shot, Kara way over.
Come on.
Oh, the second one.
Nails it on the second try.
You know, Kara was not a professional poop contestant
by trade.
She was discovered at a Denny's by the highway.
I heard that story.
Yeah, It was everywhere.
That's two in a row for Kara.
A Very strong start to the craptathalon
by our lone female competitor.
Now it's on to our second event of the afternoon.
The rooftop poo drop.
Or back in my day, it was called dropping a deuce.
Now I'll remind our audience at home
that it's one point for sticking anywhere on the porcelain.
Two points for getting in the bowl.
And the fabled upper decker in the tank is worth three points.
A frat house favorite.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, and John just off the mark a little bit.
John, in the second throw of three.
The only the upper deck are the kiss, kind of gross.
Oh, it stuck and then is just slid right off the edge.
It's like somebody just lifted up,
wasn't sure they were done, and a little on the seat there.
Oh,
The triple decker.
We have a triple decker.
He got the upper decker?
That's a swish.
Uh-huh.
Somebody is going to gag and probably
throw up, trying to fish that out of there.
That's how I leave all my parties.
That's a strong showing for John after that questionable start
to his afternoon.
Oh, Kara tries to flush it.
Does that count for something?
Trying to clear the air there.
Second throw.
Oh.
It just barely hangs on.
Now I'm getting word that the judges are counting that,
as it did first stick to the porcelain
before hitting the ground.
Oh, I overshot that one.
Oh, and her third shot just splats
on the ground harmlessly.
I think I should get some points for hitting the handle though.
I flushed that toilet.
That should count for something.
Now, Ben, there used to be a mascot for these events.
But after a couple of issues with some kids,
they said, you know, best not have Alan the anus
out and about with the crowd.
I believe we have a small tribute video for Alan.
[BUZZING]
And I'm being told we are not legally able to show
that on broadcast television.
No, that makes sense.
Probably for the best.
Back to the action.
Here we go.
Jacob looks locked in, but--
I think gravity is a little strong today.
Yeah.
Jacob believes his poop on the ground, like a toddler
with something better to do.
All right, this is my guy.
Oh, right on the rim.
One point.
Salvages his day with one point there.
Yeah, it's like if you're at a truck stop,
you see that, you turn the other way and you head out.
We'll go to the next exit, honey.
It's not worth it.
Got one on the seat.
So I feel pretty good about that.
Now, we're entering a special tie breaker for this event,
as both Jacob and Kara scored one point.
Let's see who comes out on top.
Oh, just a little short there.
Jacob with a chance to put this away.
Flush it down, Jacob.
Oh.
Oh,
Tragedy and heart break.
Now, Eric, when you're preparing for an event like this,
how do you feel your body?
You want a lot of fiber in that yogurt
that Jamie Lee Curtis is always going on about.
Oh, there it is.
Kara got it.
Banks it in.
The bank is open, and it's accepting poop.
And on to our third and final event of this craptathalon,
pitching a loaf.
Now in this event, the participants
are trying to play a simple tic-tac-toe game, only
with their feces, like some monkeys at the zoo.
Good placement, good placement.
Kara was the first throw there at the bottom.
Oh--
Can't do that, Jacob.
It's already been taken.
On the board.
OK, OK, we'll count that.
With some speed on that one too.
And some steam even.
Oh, you can't-- oh, there again.
You can't just poop on top of your poop.
Oh, now that's a nice throw.
That's what I wanted.
He's building up there.
Oh--
Kara again, just trying to stack it on top of it.
This isn't a porta potty, Eric.
In addition to being a rectum game, it's also a mental game.
Uh-huh.
John's locked in here.
Oh, wow.
That will do it.
That is a quick three in a row for John.
This actually is one of the few sporting events
in which competitors are actually told,
do not shake hands.
Don't.
Please.
And now on to our medal ceremony.
Here we go, and John rising to the top,
just like a piece of poop with a little too much fat in it.
Boy, it's hard not to get welled up at a time like this,
isn't it?
Yeah, it's really just--
These athletes work all afternoon at this event.
Reminds me of when I was pooping every day,
trying to get better at the craft.
These three competitors really squeezed one out.
Well, Ben, I think I speak for us
both when I say this broadcast has been just a pile of
[BLEEP].
And we'll see you at the next Turdament of Champions
in Djibouti, Summer 2022.
Try your own craptastic games at home
or just play with your poo.
By Sticky the Poo and shop for hundreds
more gifts at Vat19.com.
Now, Ben, does your poop stick like that when you throw it?
It does.
The spectators are allowed to cheer,
but they are not allowed to gently jiggle the handle--
[LAUGHTER]
18,000 people here, and they all kind of walked in, were like,
uh, uh--
And they all turned--
[LAUGHTER]
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