Alright, helping people move into a new house is hell on earth!
I think everybody knows that
Last year I helped nine different people move
That's nine first-born children, that are gonna be named after me some day!
Because helping somebody move is a huge favor and is a big pain in the dick
All my friends asked me to help move and I don't know why
'Cause I suck at moving
One time, when I was 14, I was helping my dad move our refrigerator downstairs
And he's down there, his life is in my hands
He's looking up at me, he's like:
"Uhhh.. You sure you got this?"
I'm like: "Yeah, I'm sure!" I wasn't fucking sure!
Not even a little bit!
Twelve seconds later the fridge is cascading down the stairs
Like the tool chest in Home Alone 2
I'm at the top of the stairs, freakin' out
Thinking I just murdered my father with a kitchen appliance
"Oh, shit, I'm gonna have to bury my dad's body"
"And live in the shadows the rest of my life, like Lindsay Lohan"
"God damn it! What are you, tryin' to kill me?!"
"Look, you broke the stairs for Christ's sake! What's the matter with you?"
I didn't even know you can break stairs, but it turns out you can
If you throw a refrigerator at it!
So that's kind of a bummer, when people come up to me
They're all excited: "Guess what, guess what! We just bought a house!"
"Ah, that's great!"
[Inner thoughts] "Ah, shit, they're gonna ask me to help them move!"
"So do you got any plans this weekend?"
[Inner thoughts] "I should just lie!"
[Inner thoughts] "I should just lie to their dumb stupid fucking faces!"
"Uhhmm.. yeah.. I got to.. uhh.. Help my brother learn how to pee standing up.."
"You have a brother?!"
"Did I say brother? No.. I meant.. my mother!"
"I.. have to.. help her pee standing up"
"She gets jealous of my dad, it's weird"
"No, for Christ's sake, I'll help you move, okay?!"
The shit I'd rather do for somebody than help them move..
"Oh, you need a kidney? Here, you can have one of mine!"
"Your grandpa needs help getting a catheter put in?"
"Whip it out, old man!"
"Ah, you want me to help you move a washing machine up two flights of stairs?"
"Well, you can promptly kiss my rosy ass, how about that?"
"What are taking the washer up two flights of stairs for?!"
"What are you, fuckin' doing laundry in the attic?"
"No, I'm not doing it, that's stupid!"
But then the weekend rolls around
And there you are, helping somebody move
Because you're a piece of shit, but you're not that much of a piece of shit
So you show up
And they got, like, one shitty little truck
That looks like they just built it in the driveway 20 minutes ago
And you start moving their things
And as soon as you start lifting that first heavy thing, you're like:
"Ah, yeah! Moving sucks ASS! I almost forgot!"
Sweat's pouring off my face, I feel like I'm stroking out
You're in about two-thirds of the way, and you're like:
"Fuck it! I'm done! I'm giving up!"
"Get an extension cord! Do your laundry on the stairs, I could give a shit!"
Because your friends collect nothing, but the heaviest things in the world
"Ah, I just got a few things here"
"Just like a.. sectional couch..
"Just like a.. sectional couch.. pool table..
"Just like a.. sectional couch.. pool table.. A bag of bowling balls, you know.."
Speaking of pool tables, I'll tell you right now
If ever want a pool table in your house
Get the pool table first
And then build your fucking house around it!
Believe me, it's easier that way!
So you're moving all their heavy shit
And you're looking at your friends, and they're all taking the easy stuff
"Okay, I'll carry this bag of Monopoly tokens"
"Do you think you could grab that dead camel carcass over there?"
Half the time they're just screwing around, walking around, exploring their new house
*Clicks the switch*
"Where does this light switch go to?"
"Why does the toilet keep flushing?!"
"Honey, I think we got poltergeist!"
You start rummaging through your friends' stuff
See what kind of weird shit they're bringing over
"What do you want me to do with this box full of lotion and handcuffs?"
"Uh.. just.. put that down in the.. dungeon.
"Uh.. just.. put that down in the.. dungeon. Basement! Basement.. I mean basement!"
About halfway through the day you're totally exhausted
You start to have no respect for your friends' property anymore
"Make sure you're careful with that bookshelf, that was my great grandmother's"
"Yo, okay, I got it!"
*Kicks the shelf* "Fit..
*Kicks the shelf* "Fit.. your ass..
*Kicks the shelf* "Fit.. your ass.. through..
*Kicks the shelf* "Fit.. your ass.. through.. the doorway!"
Finally, it's the end of the day, mission's accomplished
They're feeding you beer and pizza
Your body feels like a used diaper
You're all sweaty and sticky, like a fat Dan Aykroyd
"Wow, let's never do that again, how about that?"
"I hope you guys are here for 40 years"
"And if you decide to move after that, that's fine, because I'll probably be dead"
"Move away!"
"Thanks for the beer, you guys are assholes, I'll see you later"
*Closes the door*
https://brewstew.com
Special thanks to: [These wonderful people] & All the other patrons! https://patreon.com/brewstew
https://teespring.com/stores/brewstew https://facebook.com/brewstewcom
https://twitter.com/brewstewfilms